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I'm in my mid 40's and my mother and I have gone head to head most of my adult life.
I love her, don't get me wrong. A lot! But she constantly puts me down, calls me out in front of others about things, and makes up her own assumptions about how I feel about things. I am an open person, I have a lot of close friends, but for some reason, my mother is the only person in my life I have trouble getting a long with.
When my mom and I don't talk, my sister ignores me, and I have issues with my son. He seems to feel it's fine to talk back to me and belittle me. My husband (his stepdad) can only say so much and tries to encourage me to show more authority when he gets out of line.
Let me back up a little.....
I had my son after his dad and I broke up. I discovered I was pregnant but didn't want to stay with him because of the baby. I raised my son while living with my parents till he was 9. They spoiled him! I would try to discipline him and my mother would intervene making me look like I was the bad guy. I lost all control over my child. I could never do anything right. I went to all his school trips, did yard monitoring, had sleep overs...I did what I was suppose to do as a mom. I thought I was being a good mother.
My son was my world!
After I moved out and on my own, my mom would still maintain that closeness with him. However, he would go to her about my mothering. On many occasions she would shake her head with the "tisk tisk". If I asked him to do his dishes, he would argue with me...then call her! If I got upset with him because of whatever reason, she would be notified. I have heard them talking about me, in a negative way. When I ask them why they do this, they deny it. I heard it with my own ears! IN my opinion, I feel that she encouraged his lack of. Is this normal? What do I do about this?!
My sister is another one. She wont talk to me if I'm on the outs with my mother. I'm her best friend when all is good, but as soon as my mother and I get into our spats, well...I have no sister. My mother can never say anything bad about my sister even when she is at fault. EXAMPLE: My best friend planned a surprise birthday party for me just this last August. She didn't tell my sister until one week prior because my sister never could hold a secret. At the party the section for my family was EMPTY! Not one person from my family showed up. Not even her. Her reason was that she fell asleep. She told everyone about the party the day of it....so no one showed. It hurt....A LOT! I've never missed a party of theirs...even when I was told about it 20 minutes prior. My mother supported my sister, which lead to another fight. I mean, everyone had an excuse and could not understand why I was hurt. NO apology came, nothing...I was a ***** for getting upset! This sort of behaviour and treatment is just a sample as to how my family treated me over the years. Another example: When I graduated from College, with honors, my mother never attended but when I showed her my diploma, she looked at me and said, "let's see where it gets you". No congrats, no I'm proud of you...just that. Let's see where it gets you....I never looked at my diploma again. HURT is all I'm engulfed in.
As through the years, I felt as though my mother neglected me. She and my dad always pop into my sisters house, my brothers house, but seem to forget where I live. My mother says mean things about my husband and he feels uncomfortable around her.
When my mom comes around after going months without speaking, I let her in. I forget all about the hurt and welcome her back. But after a few hours of talking...BANG, she'll start again! Saying things like, "I dont' know why we can't get along". "What did I do wrong". She's even said, "the reason we don't get along is because you think you're right". Just comments like this. THEN, when I try to explain my feelings again, She denies them. Then starts putting me down. Saying things like...(word for word) "you don't get along with nobody", "you son says your a despicable disgusting mother", you need to see a shrink"....exact words....how do I deal with this? I've been alienated from my family because of her. And it hurts! I miss my family so much but they all avoid me because of her! What am I to do!? I've tried swallowing my pride, been the bigger person but the constant put downs, back stabbing...I just want to deal with this once and for all!!
Any advise would be so appreciated!!
Without reading all of that I will say you can't get along because one, the other or both of you don't want to admit that you are wrong at times.
There are several ways to handle this but the most effective way is limited contact, discussion about neutral things and boundries set in place and reinforced at all times.
some people when they are older or in a position of "authority" can never admit that they are not perfect or have faults such as not listening or being bossy and such. you can try to have a conversation about how you see things. stating them in a non threatening way. see if the conversation helps. lot of times even after the conversation a person has either too much pride to admit they do what you tell them they do or they do not have it in them to change their ways to any degree. talk to both of them and if there is no real change, limit your contact. I would also explain your feelings with your son, why things are like they are and do your best to change that relationship as well. best of luck.
What horrible family dynamics! It sounds like you, and especially your son, would benefit from some therapy to "unlearn" the unhealthy patterns and to get some hints to avoid getting sucked back into it.
I'm in my mid 40's and my mother and I have gone head to head most of my adult life.
I love her, don't get me wrong. A lot! But she constantly puts me down, calls me out in front of others about things, and makes up her own assumptions about how I feel about things. I am an open person, I have a lot of close friends, but for some reason, my mother is the only person in my life I have trouble getting a long with.
When my mom and I don't talk, my sister ignores me, and I have issues with my son. He seems to feel it's fine to talk back to me and belittle me. My husband (his stepdad) can only say so much and tries to encourage me to show more authority when he gets out of line.
Let me back up a little.....
I had my son after his dad and I broke up. I discovered I was pregnant but didn't want to stay with him because of the baby. I raised my son while living with my parents till he was 9. They spoiled him! I would try to discipline him and my mother would intervene making me look like I was the bad guy. I lost all control over my child. I could never do anything right. I went to all his school trips, did yard monitoring, had sleep overs...I did what I was suppose to do as a mom. I thought I was being a good mother.
My son was my world!
After I moved out and on my own, my mom would still maintain that closeness with him. However, he would go to her about my mothering. On many occasions she would shake her head with the "tisk tisk". If I asked him to do his dishes, he would argue with me...then call her! If I got upset with him because of whatever reason, she would be notified. I have heard them talking about me, in a negative way. When I ask them why they do this, they deny it. I heard it with my own ears! IN my opinion, I feel that she encouraged his lack of. Is this normal? What do I do about this?!
My sister is another one. She wont talk to me if I'm on the outs with my mother. I'm her best friend when all is good, but as soon as my mother and I get into our spats, well...I have no sister. My mother can never say anything bad about my sister even when she is at fault. EXAMPLE: My best friend planned a surprise birthday party for me just this last August. She didn't tell my sister until one week prior because my sister never could hold a secret. At the party the section for my family was EMPTY! Not one person from my family showed up. Not even her. Her reason was that she fell asleep. She told everyone about the party the day of it....so no one showed. It hurt....A LOT! I've never missed a party of theirs...even when I was told about it 20 minutes prior. My mother supported my sister, which lead to another fight. I mean, everyone had an excuse and could not understand why I was hurt. NO apology came, nothing...I was a ***** for getting upset! This sort of behaviour and treatment is just a sample as to how my family treated me over the years. Another example: When I graduated from College, with honors, my mother never attended but when I showed her my diploma, she looked at me and said, "let's see where it gets you". No congrats, no I'm proud of you...just that. Let's see where it gets you....I never looked at my diploma again. HURT is all I'm engulfed in.
As through the years, I felt as though my mother neglected me. She and my dad always pop into my sisters house, my brothers house, but seem to forget where I live. My mother says mean things about my husband and he feels uncomfortable around her.
When my mom comes around after going months without speaking, I let her in. I forget all about the hurt and welcome her back. But after a few hours of talking...BANG, she'll start again! Saying things like, "I dont' know why we can't get along". "What did I do wrong". She's even said, "the reason we don't get along is because you think you're right". Just comments like this. THEN, when I try to explain my feelings again, She denies them. Then starts putting me down. Saying things like...(word for word) "you don't get along with nobody", "you son says your a despicable disgusting mother", you need to see a shrink"....exact words....how do I deal with this? I've been alienated from my family because of her. And it hurts! I miss my family so much but they all avoid me because of her! What am I to do!? I've tried swallowing my pride, been the bigger person but the constant put downs, back stabbing...I just want to deal with this once and for all!!
Any advise would be so appreciated!!
Yes, I think you need a therapist or counselor to help you sort through your feelings and the problems you are having with your son. I see the relationship with your son more troubling than that with your mother. Your mom is the way she is, but your son is still learning and growing. You need to have more respect from him. Your situation is is difficult, and I think another, neutral person could help you sort things out.
See a counselor with whom you can talk freely. See if you can find a path for yourself with your son, and ways to think about how your family treats you.
First of all, Campbell's soup is already condensed! LOL
Why do ppl do that, say something negative...I mean this is a forum! It takes more energy to do something negative, than a positive gesture...just saying...
TO all you other nice folks that took the time to read and post. I appreciate your time, and thought. Proves that the world does out weight the bad.
I'm in my mid 40's and my mother and I have gone head to head most of my adult life.
I love her, don't get me wrong. A lot! But she constantly puts me down, calls me out in front of others about things, and makes up her own assumptions about how I feel about things. I am an open person, I have a lot of close friends, but for some reason, my mother is the only person in my life I have trouble getting a long with.
When my mom and I don't talk, my sister ignores me, and I have issues with my son. He seems to feel it's fine to talk back to me and belittle me. My husband (his stepdad) can only say so much and tries to encourage me to show more authority when he gets out of line.
Let me back up a little.....
I had my son after his dad and I broke up. I discovered I was pregnant but didn't want to stay with him because of the baby. I raised my son while living with my parents till he was 9. They spoiled him! I would try to discipline him and my mother would intervene making me look like I was the bad guy. I lost all control over my child. I could never do anything right. I went to all his school trips, did yard monitoring, had sleep overs...I did what I was suppose to do as a mom. I thought I was being a good mother.
My son was my world!
After I moved out and on my own, my mom would still maintain that closeness with him. However, he would go to her about my mothering. On many occasions she would shake her head with the "tisk tisk". If I asked him to do his dishes, he would argue with me...then call her! If I got upset with him because of whatever reason, she would be notified. I have heard them talking about me, in a negative way. When I ask them why they do this, they deny it. I heard it with my own ears! IN my opinion, I feel that she encouraged his lack of. Is this normal? What do I do about this?!
My sister is another one. She wont talk to me if I'm on the outs with my mother. I'm her best friend when all is good, but as soon as my mother and I get into our spats, well...I have no sister. My mother can never say anything bad about my sister even when she is at fault. EXAMPLE: My best friend planned a surprise birthday party for me just this last August. She didn't tell my sister until one week prior because my sister never could hold a secret. At the party the section for my family was EMPTY! Not one person from my family showed up. Not even her. Her reason was that she fell asleep. She told everyone about the party the day of it....so no one showed. It hurt....A LOT! I've never missed a party of theirs...even when I was told about it 20 minutes prior. My mother supported my sister, which lead to another fight. I mean, everyone had an excuse and could not understand why I was hurt. NO apology came, nothing...I was a ***** for getting upset! This sort of behaviour and treatment is just a sample as to how my family treated me over the years. Another example: When I graduated from College, with honors, my mother never attended but when I showed her my diploma, she looked at me and said, "let's see where it gets you". No congrats, no I'm proud of you...just that. Let's see where it gets you....I never looked at my diploma again. HURT is all I'm engulfed in.
As through the years, I felt as though my mother neglected me. She and my dad always pop into my sisters house, my brothers house, but seem to forget where I live. My mother says mean things about my husband and he feels uncomfortable around her.
When my mom comes around after going months without speaking, I let her in. I forget all about the hurt and welcome her back. But after a few hours of talking...BANG, she'll start again! Saying things like, "I dont' know why we can't get along". "What did I do wrong". She's even said, "the reason we don't get along is because you think you're right". Just comments like this. THEN, when I try to explain my feelings again, She denies them. Then starts putting me down. Saying things like...(word for word) "you don't get along with nobody", "you son says your a despicable disgusting mother", you need to see a shrink"....exact words....how do I deal with this? I've been alienated from my family because of her. And it hurts! I miss my family so much but they all avoid me because of her! What am I to do!? I've tried swallowing my pride, been the bigger person but the constant put downs, back stabbing...I just want to deal with this once and for all!!
Any advise would be so appreciated!!
Sad to say, but it sounds like your mom is jealous of you, far as your son, he needs a reality check. Some kids don't realize how Blessed they are, it's plenty of kids wish they were in his shoes or wish they had a mother like you.
If your mother brings more harm than good to the relationship, end it. You wouldn't stay in any other relationship that toxic. Don't stay in this one.
Take yourself and your son to therapy. You both need it. You have a long, hard road ahead of you to build a healthy relationship with your son at this point, but you owe it to him to try.
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