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Please read the whole thing… I don’t even know if I see the point in living anymore…
So basically, I don't even know if I deserve to be called stupid or not… but it still hurts like hell and idk what to do anymore. So this is about to get really deep, but in life, I feel like it is okay to make mistakes, and it is okay to mess up, because I mean COME ON, being a human is a hard piece of ****, and if we were expected to be perfect 24/7 most of us would die of stress overload. We are supposed to be allowed to make mistakes, yet know that’s all it was, a mistake, and that doesn’t make the person any less or more intelligent then before. Well for some reason, my friends always pick on me for making mistakes. And I guess I am one of those people who says the wrong thing every so often, isn't paying attention and blurts out the wrong thing, makes physical and mental mistakes, can be clumsy at times, and can be pretty awkward a lot too (if I had to be stupid about anything, I probably would be socially stupid). And maybe I mess up more then most people,
and Yes, I have imperfections, but for some reason, all of my friends FOCUS IN ON THEM, to the point where it hurts my feelings. I have never thought of myself as stupid, but now I really believe that I am. I have had the label of an "airhead, ditz, idiot, retard, really dumb, helpless" and honestly i can't take it anymore. They have made me cry (I've never showed it), but its just so hard because I feel like I am never allowed to make mistakes around anyone, and if I do, I get called stupid! The thing that bothers me THE MOST is, that I feel like my friends are only friends with me because of their amusement to make fun of me and tease me. The reason for this is because my friends always do really obnoxious or random things and say the most random **** and they all laugh at each other and think its hilarious, but they never label each other because of it. Now, I would consider myself quieter and more calm then most of my friends, and it makes me really insecure a lot of the times, and I don’t always state my opinion out loud, so people have said to me “you are such an airhead” or “is anything going on up there?” Like I swear to god people just don’t have emotions these days. So I want to try to fit in, so I do this by trying to be really random or funny and loud (I don’t want to come off as boring), so but when I do this, all of the sudden I am the biggest idiot in the world, and if I say something stupid, my friends are all like “of course you would say something like that, or just shut up you are such an idiot, or Im pretty much convinced you are a natural blonde”.
I have tried to tell them it hurts, and to stop, but they tell me they are just joking and that I am too sensitive, but its so obvious they are not joking, and they literally think I am stupid and I am known as the dumb one in our group of friends. They also tell me that they love me for my dumb blondeness, which angers and hurts me even more, just clarifying that they do see me as dumb. If they had to think if one trait to describe me, it would probably be stupid. So then I try to just be really quiet and not say anything, but then my friends just ignore me because I guess im not being entertaining enough for them at the moment. It really annoys me when someone can be funny and loud and get respect, because whenever I try to be more outgoing, I am suddenly the clown and get looked down upon. Also, whenever I trip or fall, they say things like “of course you would do that.” Like wtf…. And the truth is I don’t even fall that much, but somehow its my thing. Also, another thing is, I think I may have depression, because I don’t care about anything anymore. My relationships, school, getting up in the morning,…. I hate going about through the day, and my favorite thing to do is sleep, because it’s the one thing that allows me to get away from life. And I think its because I get no respect from my friends. But how could I tell them that? I think I have depression because everyone calls me stupid? They would probably all laugh in my face and say, “well you cant change that you are naturally stupid and that’s nothing to be depressed about”, yet here I am, depressed and all. So basically, I don’t want people to know this, so I put on a huge fake smile and a happy attitude just to please everyone around me. I am known as the girl that is always happy, never hurt by what others say, and maybe that contributes to me being picked on… because I never act mad? Idk… But it hurts to know that I try so hard to be cool and it all always just blows up in my face. (I am teary eyed as I write this) Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?
And now I am so afraid to be stupid, that I try so hard not to act stupid, and so when my friends do make fun of me for it, it hurts even more. I am pretty sure I have a form of social anxiety because I get so much anxiety of being called stupid so now I usually avoid social situations…
But I also feel like when I give up and try to be myself, that’s not enough too… because I am still human and I still make mistakes, I mean… maybe more then most people, since I am known as such a “blonde” and “airheaded” person, but what do I have to do to actually be known as smart?! I mean, I get higher grades then most of my friends! Probably all of them…!!
And its not even always that people are trying to make fun of me.. there are also some people that PITY me… yes, pity me! For example, one time my friend called me stupid and I was really extra emotional that day, so I told my other friend what my other friend said to me and she said “yeah that is really rude, I don’t like calling you clueless and I try not to.” She also said “don’t take it too seriously.. I have my stupid moments too.” I mean, that was “nice” of her, but was she saying that she really does think I am clueless but doesn’t want to say it to my face?! I feel like my friends even talk about my “stupidness” behind my back.. ☹
And you know what, yes, I will admit that I do have extremely blonde or stupid or embarrassing moments (but don’t we all?) and it would be weird if someone didn’t call me out on them when I have them… but the problem is, I get LABELED by these moments. I am known as the dumb friend, the friend that is a little out there or absent minded, ditz, etc. And I don’t know what I did to deserve this?! What makes people smarter then me for me not understanding something at first, or being a little slow to understand a joke or two? All of them have just as many dumb moments as me, TO BE HONEST. And so what if I am not knowledgable about what something is that I have never even seen before(like, sorry im not a mind reader)? Honestly, my pet peeve is people who are all like, "omg I hate idiots who always say stupid things"…. like, wtf made you so perfect?? Are you saying you never make mistakes? Yeah, exactly.
Why am I labeled as dumb and they aren’t?! I literally do believe now that I may be stupid and helpless and can’t do anything for myself… because I have heard it so many times. I don’t even want to live anymore, because, I feel like even if I make new friends, I will still be known as the dumb one, so whats the point? If im gonna be called stupid no matter where I go? I don’t even know what to do anymore, and I have to wonder if there actually is something wrong with me, and if I should just end my life now. Where do I have to turn? I don’t know what to do anymore….
You don't sound "stupid" but you might be socially awkward and clumsy. For years I have been trying extra hard to not trip or knock things over or blurt out the wrong thing. I think you should do 2 things. #1, find new friends. Yours sound kind of mean. #2 work on yourself. If you are clumsy, pay extra attention to what you are doing. If you feel like you say the wrong things, think before you speak. Just pause and think for a moment and either don't say it, or reword it. Everyone makes mistakes, but we should learn from them, and try not to repeat them.
Speak less, listen and observe more, limit your time around people who make you feel negative. If these so called 'friends' do this consistently you don't have to put up with it.
You mention 'school' - How old are you btw?
The type of piling on behavior is common in teens / youth. Not that it is OK to do so, but just for some context, this usually diminishes significantly (in most cases) as people mature. If it turns into a bullying type situation you need to bring it to attention of someone in authority whom you respect in your school or family.
If your mistakes (verbal, social etc...) are being amplified by peers I would limit the interaction and seek out an outlet of something you enjoy that is constructive while you sort out the situation (read some books on understanding body language, emotional intelligence) and your feelings while seeing a professional counselor. I'm assuming by the way you are able to express yourself in writing well, that you just need to speak to a reputable counselor at your school.
And if you are feeling depressed watch movies you find humorous, try some Marx Brothers classics
Okay but 1. What if when I get rid of these friends, I am alone and I can't find any new ones? Or, what if I get new friends, yet they still treat me this way…. and 2. What if I try to change myself, but I can't? I just feel like I want to be able to accept who I am, but I never can and always end up hating myself because no one accepts my personality. I know people can improve their personality… but I feel like I must just have a terrible one and everyone's personality is better then mine.
You don't sound "stupid" but you might be socially awkward and clumsy. For years I have been trying extra hard to not trip or knock things over or blurt out the wrong thing. I think you should do 2 things. #1, find new friends. Yours sound kind of mean. #2 work on yourself. If you are clumsy, pay extra attention to what you are doing. If you feel like you say the wrong things, think before you speak. Just pause and think for a moment and either don't say it, or reword it. Everyone makes mistakes, but we should learn from them, and try not to repeat them.
Right on. OP, you do not sound stupid to me. Your friends are jerks. You need to find a niche in which your personality and talents are appreciated. What do you have a passion for? What do you love to do more than anything? Find people who share that passion and start engaging more in that activity and around people who have similar interests. Disengage from these toxic people who are demeaning you on a regular basis. Read up on the topics of codependency and personal boundaries (I recommend Dr M Scott Peck's writings but there are lots of good books on these topics) and set stronger, more logical personal boundaries for yourself.
I think when you start doing this, you WILL better yourself. You will learn to look more objectively at yourself and see where you may be socially awkward (hint - we've all got some awkward areas of our personalities). You can, with self discipline, be less accident prone or less clumsy socially. Kibbiekat hit the nail on the head - it sounds like you need to think a bit more before you act or speak but this is well within your ability to change.
That being said, it sounds to me like the thing that needs the most changing is your circle of so called "friends."
I'm 15. And what exactly is emotional intelligence? Is it something you think I am low in? Also, yes this behavior is common for people my age I guess, but I am the only one that is called stupid/an idiot/an airhead so it makes me think that i actually am one… which angers me. Why am I called this more then anyone else? Also, what do you mean that because I am able to express myself well in writing, that I just need to speak to a councilor? And if this helps.. yeah I basically can only express myself in writing, and I would never be able to explain myself and my feelings like that in person to anyone… thats another reason why i guess i come off as the "happy girl who is always smiling" … because I have no idea how to express deep feelings with other people in person.. its way too much pressure.
Okay but 1. What if when I get rid of these friends, I am alone and I can't find any new ones? Or, what if I get new friends, yet they still treat me this way…. and 2. What if I try to change myself, but I can't? I just feel like I want to be able to accept who I am, but I never can and always end up hating myself because no one accepts my personality. I know people can improve their personality… but I feel like I must just have a terrible one and everyone's personality is better then mine.
Just distance yourself from them a little, and spend more time doing things you enjoy. I don't know how old you are, but maybe join some clubs or take an extracurricular class or something. You will meet new people and hopefully make some new friends.
I don't mean change who you are. I just mean work on some areas that you may have trouble with. These are just social skills, not things that make up who you are. Maybe you are missing some cues so some things you say don't make sense. I don't know, I'm just trying to figure out why you would be seen as a ditz. Maybe stop and think, not just about what you were going to say, but about what was just said. Maybe it is something that should be easily understood but you didn't get it. ???
It doesn't sound like it is your personality that they don't like. It sounds like maybe you sometimes don't "get it." If you don't understand something, maybe just don't say anything. As people keep talking, maybe it will become clear.
Time for new friends. I would limit contact with the ones you have now--take longer and longer to return texts or messages, turn down invitations, join a new club or after-school activity, and get to know an entirely different group of people. You are currently hanging out with insecure bullies. They don't deserve the opportunity to use you to make them feel better about themselves.
I'm 15. And what exactly is emotional intelligence? Is it something you think I am low in? Also, yes this behavior is common for people my age I guess, but I am the only one that is called stupid/an idiot/an airhead so it makes me think that i actually am one… which angers me. Why am I called this more then anyone else? Also, what do you mean that because I am able to express myself well in writing, that I just need to speak to a councilor? And if this helps.. yeah I basically can only express myself in writing, and I would never be able to explain myself and my feelings like that in person to anyone… thats another reason why i guess i come off as the "happy girl who is always smiling" … because I have no idea how to express deep feelings with other people in person.. its way too much pressure.
Your feelings are very normal for your age and maturity level. And I PROMISE you that you are not the only one in your circle of "friends" who is ridiculed constantly. Most fifteen year old girls are of the devil and should be sent to the island from the Lord of the Flies till they turn seventeen. But so far I can't get any laws passed that would do this, so I guess we're all stuck with all this teenage angst and hatefulness till it passes. Your trick is going to be rising above it.
I hope this makes you feel a bit better, though when I was fifteen NOTHING made me feel any better, especially if an adult was saying it (PLEASE!). When I was fifteen, people made fun of my hair. I mean, they were RELENTLESS about it, mean about it, awful about it. I was fifteen during a time when long, straight hair parted in the middle was THE LOOK. I have very thick, coarse, wavy hair and it has always been a challenge to style, and it was the MOST UNCOOL HAIR EVER when I was fifteen. I hated it. It made me MISERABLE. My "friends" would call me "Kinky" and bring me containers of Afro Sheen (I am a white girl) to school, and ask me who my mom had slept with to get me this hair, etc etc etc. Even in my yearbooks from that age, people signed my name "Kinky" instead of my real name. Some days, and this was the truth, I thought I was going to explode with rage, and I also felt very unattractive and freakish.
I figured something out though - by the time I was sixteen, I figured out that if I beat them to the punch - if I made fun of MYSELF before they could, then it completely defused the situation. Yes, I still hated my hair, but at least I didn't feel powerless if I said it first, you know? Like I would say, "Shut up before I tie you up with my hair," or "You know I can dance - I mean, look at my hair. No white girl has hair like mine." That sort of thing.
Guess what else I found out - I found out that I have great hair. Now I LOVE my hair. It just took me a few years to figure out how to style it - and it took a few years for that stupid, ugly completely flat straight dull look to go out of style. Within just a few years, in fact, before I graduated from high school, eighties BIG HAIR was IN, BABY! And I had me some BIG HAIR!!!!! The best big hair around!
Couple of suggestions:
1) Tell your friends that you don't appreciate them calling you stupid. It's worth a try.
2) Make fun of yourself before they can make fun of you - this defuses things pretty quickly. It makes making fun of you a lot less fun. IN other words, learn to laugh at yourself rather than agonizing about yourself.
3) Grow up - and I don't mean that sarcastically. What I mean is that as you get older, this stuff will naturally fade away.
4) Realize that people poke fun at others because THEY themselves are very insecure. It wouldn't hurt for you to remind them of that and let them know that you've got their number. They will be shocked at your maturity level when you tell them this.
Good luck!
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