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Daytime TV thrives on the typical dysfunctional relationships you refer to.
I did not refer to any dysfuntional relationships. I fear you are either misunderstanding or even misrepresenting what I just wrote therefore.
People have these relationships all the time - nothing about them is dysfunctional - they are just different. You rightly point out relationships of all types have boundries. I similarly rightly point out that what those boundries actually are - vary wildly.
That someone elses operations and boundries may differ from your own would certainly not make them dysfunctional. They function very well thank you - and everyone involved is every bit as emotionally healthy and mature as you would judge yourself to be.
I did not refer to any dysfuntional relationships. I fear you are either misunderstanding or even misrepresenting what I just wrote therefore.
People have these relationships all the time - nothing about them is dysfunctional - they are just different. You rightly point out relationships of all types have boundries. I similarly rightly point out that what those boundries actually are - vary wildly.
That someone elses operations and boundries may differ from your own would certainly not make them dysfunctional. They function very well thank you - and everyone involved is every bit as emotionally healthy and mature as you would judge yourself to be.
You don't have a healthy marriage on the one and a friend who doesn't like a spouse on the other. There is discontent there...according to you. Actively not liking a friend's spouse is discontent and there is something wrong with that. And sorry, I don't find that situation healthy in any way. To each their own of course. It's just not something I would invite into my marriage. I respect my husband more than that. I would never hang out with a man who thought poorly of him. I couldn't fathom it.
You don't have a healthy marriage on the one and a friend who doesn't like a spouse on the other.
Because you say so?
Again there are many people functioning perfectly well under the above criteria. That it would not work for YOU appears to be the ONLY basis you have for asserting it is not healthy or is dysfunctional. You are extrapolating your own requirements into a general rule - and it is false.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
There is discontent there...according to you.
I never suggested anything of the sort. Stop putting words in my mouth thanks. Thats twice in a row.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
I would never hang out with a man who thought poorly of him. I couldn't fathom it.
You appear to be equating "thinking poorly" and "not liking" as if they are the same thing now. They are not. Not even close.
Some people simply do not click. They do not derive pleasure from the company of each other. There is no requirement for you to have negative or detrimental thoughts about a person for this to be so. Sometimes it simply is so.
Further many friendships are formed on a basis of some shared attribute or interest. For example this thread is about fishing. The friendship and mutual affection is derived from that shared attribute - and such people might have no interest in engaging socially without that context. If X and Y like fishing but Z does not - then X and Y can maintain a friendship without X ever having to like Z.
And as I say - this happens all the time. If it does not work for YOU then so be it. But extrapolating that into a suggestion that relationships where it does work are not mature or are dysfunctional is as crass as it is false.
Not liking a person is synonymous with thinking poorly of them. Not liking a person is not a neutral position. What kind of word games are you playing? If you are hanging out with someone of the opposite sex who does not like your spouse I'd call that a big fat failure in the marriage department. It's amazing to me that people actually put up with that kind of thing, but again, to each their own. You might not take issue with your wife hanging out with guys who don't like you. Good for you. That would never fly with my husband nor would it dawn on me to disrespect him like that.
Ok, but that's not what I'm talking about. One of my best friends is a guy. He likely wouldn't know or hang with my husband at all if I weren't married to him. My friend and I have our own thing, but he also embraces my husband. We can all easily hang out together or not. If he didn't want to be bothered with my husband, say didn't like my husband, that would be a problem. While i think it's important that all friends respect a spouse, it's important to keep in mind that opposite sex friendships among heterosexuals, IMO, require specific boundaries.
At least that's how we approach it and I've always considered us pretty liberal in this arena.
The bolded is really what this whole thread is about, IMO. Marriages have boundaries, so do friendships, but the boundaries of friendship are not determined solely amongst the two friends without consideration for the other spouse.
I would not spend time with an opposite sex friend who did not want to befriend my spouse too. That's my boundary. SO has a good female friend of over 20 years, but he does not spend the same amount of time with her that he did prior to our relationship, and that is his boundary. Neither of us has befriended someone of the opposite sex, young enough to be our child, to partake in a mutual interest one or more evenings each week alone together. It helps that we are in agreement about boundaries, but when you're not, I don't think the right course of action is to simply do as you please and your spouse's feelings be damned.
If the nature of the OP's friendship changes,she will have no choice but to accept it, because the boundaries in his marriage are not for her to approve of or decide.
Accusing people of making stuff up without actually reading the OPs post yourself - Not funny or useful. Why you have decided to enter this thread and accuse all and sundry of lying - is also beyond me. The use of making up intentions on behalf of the OPs friend is also unclear. <
Very clear thinking in an increasingly muddled and bewildering thread. I've read it for laughs and propose a subject title change:
The Indictment, Arraignment, Trial and Judgement of a Fisherman.
Not liking a person is synonymous with thinking poorly of them.
Not really no. I see it as two different things. There are people you actively dislike - people you actively like - and people who are simply neutral to you. You do not like them - but have zero negative thoughts about them either. It very much is a neutral position. There are many people I can think of I have no negative feelings towards - but nor do I wish to invest any time in their presence when that time is better invested elsewhere.
And as I said - this is common. Many people maintain friends or even circles of friends that simply do not over lap with the life of their spouse or partner(s). This might not work _for you_ which is fine - but extrapolating from that fact to a comment that such relationships must have some aspect of immaturity or failure or disfunction or disrespect is overly judgemental from you and false.
Not really no. I see it as two different things. There are people you actively dislike - people you actively like - and people who are simply neutral to you. You do not like them - but have zero negative thoughts about them either. It very much is a neutral position. There are many people I can think of I have no negative feelings towards - but nor do I wish to invest any time in their presence when that time is better invested elsewhere.
And as I said - this is common. Many people maintain friends or even circles of friends that simply do not over lap with the life of their spouse or partner(s). This might not work _for you_ which is fine - but extrapolating from that fact to a comment that such relationships must have some aspect of immaturity or failure or disfunction or disrespect is overly judgemental from you and false.
If someone is neutral to you it's neither like or dislike. That wasn't my point. I already stated an example of my friend who would not know my husband or be friends with him if we weren't married. The two don't have enough in common. My friend only cares about him because of me. OTOH, if he did not want to be bothered with my husband because he didn't like him....as in not liking him as a human being, as in not caring for his personality, as in having a bad taste in his mouth due to the dislike, that would be a problem.
Moderator cut: snip
Last edited by 7G9C4J2; 05-23-2014 at 04:37 AM..
Reason: unnecessary remark
If someone is neutral to you it's neither like or dislike. That wasn't my point.
But that is what we have been saying. Your spouse can have friends who do not LIKE you - and you can maintain different friends and different circles of friends. I never said anything about actively disliking you. But even if I was - the extrapolation you reach is an over reaction. If people paths never cross - what matter if they like each other - or not.
Get it?
Nothing justifies - that I can see - the sweeping generalisations you have thrown at it. "immaturity", "failure", "disfunction" or "disrespect". These all seem to be judgements based on nothing at all.
Get it?
People simply maintain friendships that do not over lap. Nothing unhealthy there. Nothing dysfunctional. No failures. And nothing immature.
Get it?
Got it?
Good. So feel free to shadow box with yourself in some empty corner over this issue you are creating on behalf of such people out of nothing and your need to assign them negative characteristics for doing something that happens all the time, and is perfectly ok. If you're tired then move along.
Here is the original post I replied to:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
I agree with many points of view here. Nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships except if those friends don't wan to be friendly with the spouse. That spells trouble.
And the fact is nothing there "spells trouble". Many people want to be friends with one person - and that friendship or circle of friends does not overlap with the spouse. It happens all the time and those people are fine with it. That you are not - is also fine - but that you are not fine with it being used to call such people immature - dysfunctional - disrespectful - the only person "making an issue out of nothing" is you therefore. Because there IS no issue there except the one in your own head.
But that is what we have been saying. Your spouse . .
If your friends are incapable of being friendly and respectful of your spouse both in and out of your presence then that is immature and dysfunctional. You can try and paint it 101 different ways, but it makes no difference. You and your friends have no choice but to be respectful of your spouse if you want a happy marriage. Period.
Now, the OP has made it clear that this man's wife is becoming up happy with the situation. They will have to deal with the situation appropriately as well.
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