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I don't know how many mentally ill people you have experienced in your life but sadly, I find it highly unlikely that there OP's parents are regretful. People like the OP's parents tend not to change in my experience.
^ ^ ^ My thoughts, as well.
It is possible they have convinced themselves that they were terrific parents . . . and they like living this imaginary scenario of their being forgiving parents who love their children despite the kids being a pain in the arse, disappointing them and causing so many problems while growing up.
I have seen the above happen. Time has a way of allowing screwed up people the luxury of revisionist history (and conveniently forgetting their own role in making life miserable). They further pat themselves on the backs and say "Look, our kids are close to us!!! They come see us! See, we did a great job!"
It's sick and it is a 180 degree turn from reality. But it isn't rare, sadly.
It's a shame some of you had to put up with such abuse, I hate abuse of any kind, you people are truly brave to have endured such treatment by your parents, it just goes to show you that no matter what we go through in life, good and bad, we can make it better for ourselves and our families. Yep, your all pretty courageous and pretty brave. I can't comment any further because I've never had to deal with such treatment, that being said, I respect each and everyone of you for driving on with your lives in the good lane.
Weirdly enough, you can find a silver lining if you look. I learned self-reliance at a very early age, as did my brother. You learn to really appreciate the good people you meet in life - and there are lots of them. You learn what NOT to do as a parent yourself.
I have a story, but perhaps will share it in a dm with PegE. I still feel weird talking about it, and often think I should write about it , but fictionalize it lol, even though it's not fiction!
The habit I developed from putting up with certain things from, mainly my mother, carried over into the rest of my life. Peole that other people would have run from in horror were "normal" to me. Very bad.
It is possible they have convinced themselves that they were terrific parents . . . and they like living this imaginary scenario of their being forgiving parents who love their children despite the kids being a pain in the arse, disappointing them and causing so many problems while growing up.
I have seen the above happen. Time has a way of allowing screwed up people the luxury of revisionist history (and conveniently forgetting their own role in making life miserable). They further pat themselves on the backs and say "Look, our kids are close to us!!! They come see us! See, we did a great job!"
I have also witnessed the above. Everyone's a hero in their own story.
As others have mentioned, to be able to forgive is healing. Once you free yourself from the baggage of how you were raised, you are free to have more satisfying current relationships
I understand that you are looking for support here, but you should at least give your parents a chance. You don't know how your parents may have changed since your childhood. It is not good to hold all that anger in. I have told my mother how much she hurt me as a child, and she has apologized profusely. I have not forgotten what I went through as a child, but I have forgiven her.
Again, people never stop learning about themselves...even sociopaths who refuse to change. They may not want to change, but at least they have learned how sick their actions are.
I wish you the best in your family relationships.
MissSoBelle, it is great to hear a different point of view on this topic. I had to read your post a few times to understand your perspective. I was confused at this statement:
"My brother has so much anger toward my parents that he hasn't been home since 1982. He lives right here in the good ole USA. When I talk to him on the phone, it is clear that he knows absolutely nothing of the way my mother (my dad has passed) is now."
Which was followed by:
"My mother has not done a total 180 (close though), but she is very different from the way she was when we were children."
Your brother may not think "close though" is enough to warrant a relationship. It's his right as an adult to choose who to let in his life.
This post made me wonder, if the abuser was a neighbor (using it as an example) would you have the same outlook? Victims of abuse are not forced to live their lives as servants to their attackers! Would you take the chance of letting that same person into your home, or around your children?
Just think about what you are asking the OP to consider. Her relationship with her parents has not changed and the idea of having to deal with them stressed her out so much that she posted on this forum. It's not about being angry but about feeling safe and loved. I also don't think that your brother's motivation is based in anger.
I think it's great that your brother didn't completely disappear and that you two speak. It sounds like he just isn't concerned about your parents. You are the family member that he cares about. Abusive parents may often play destructive games that cause sibling rivalry. Pitting one against another or keeping them isolated and not communicating with each other. One may get the brunt of the violence while another's role is that of "the good child". You seemed to have healed by taking care of your mother while his way of coping is to stay away.
I am about to share something so deeply private now.
I had to have emergency surgery quite awhile back. After leaving work early one morning, I collapsed in the street. I was unconscious and apparently critical from what I was told after. I barely remember that day. Anyway, luckily, I had identification on me and the medical center was able to track down my relatives. When I regained consciousness a couple of days later, my favorite Auntie was at my bedside. She flew in from across the country to be at my bedside. Neither of my parents showed up, and my Aunt was afraid to tell me. She slowly repeated a conversation she had with my mother about me needing transfusions and how my mother said it wasn't serious. A whole mess of stuff about how she was too busy and a flight would be too expensive.....
As I listened to the story, I immediately felt this wave of peace. I finally understood that it didn't matter and that mother's response or lack of one....hearing all of it didn't hurt me. It was such an amazing feeling, I can't put it into words. I thought about how lucky I was that a complete stranger saw me fall and was kind enough to call 911. How it was even more of a good thing that I was only blocks away from the hospital! I was also so thankful that my Aunt loved me enough to be there for me. Many of the medical staff came to see me in the ICU and I was treated with the best of care. I remember one of the aides from the ER came up and was crying saying that everyone thought I was going to die. I am blessed to be alive and healthy.
My parents were never there for me when it mattered in my childhood and it took years of suffering and feeling neglected to get the strength to move on. I realize that some people just aren't able to love, and that's okay.
For me, it just feels right to let go of those past relationships.
I am about to share something so deeply private now.
I had to have emergency surgery quite awhile back. After leaving work early one morning, I collapsed in the street. I was unconscious and apparently critical from what I was told after. I barely remember that day. Anyway, luckily, I had identification on me and the medical center was able to track down my relatives. When I regained consciousness a couple of days later, my favorite Auntie was at my bedside. She flew in from across the country to be at my bedside. Neither of my parents showed up, and my Aunt was afraid to tell me. She slowly repeated a conversation she had with my mother about me needing transfusions and how my mother said it wasn't serious. A whole mess of stuff about how she was too busy and a flight would be too expensive.....
As I listened to the story, I immediately felt this wave of peace. I finally understood that it didn't matter and that mother's response or lack of one....hearing all of it didn't hurt me. It was such an amazing feeling, I can't put it into words. I thought about how lucky I was that a complete stranger saw me fall and was kind enough to call 911. How it was even more of a good thing that I was only blocks away from the hospital! I was also so thankful that my Aunt loved me enough to be there for me. Many of the medical staff came to see me in the ICU and I was treated with the best of care. I remember one of the aides from the ER came up and was crying saying that everyone thought I was going to die. I am blessed to be alive and healthy.
My parents were never there for me when it mattered in my childhood and it took years of suffering and feeling neglected to get the strength to move on. I realize that some people just aren't able to love, and that's okay.
For me, it just feels right to let go of those past relationships.
Sounds like you have a great aunt and that you are wise enough to be very thankful for her.
Thank you for this thoughtful and validating post. In our family it is my mother, too, who is the instigator and my father goes along with whatever crazy stuff she pulls. But sadly, my mother meets the criteria of a sociopath. My mother's not just trying to get attention, but actively seeks to harm others behind the scenes. She doesn't want attention. She wants to harm others for her pleasure. It's amazing to witness even after all these years. I am so glad I am sane! Lol.
She, too, when I was younger, would beg me to live with her. Then once she seemed to think she had me under her thumb would starting moaning and bit ching about me being there. Telling me I should move out, after she'd begged me to move in! Complaining to my brother, who knows better, about how I needed to move out because I was driving HER crazy.
But, she would also pull similar crap with my dad who acts like a perfect dupe, and talk about a selective memory! I have told him each time he comes to me with some crazy, stupid story - all totally false - that she claims the same of him. He acts each time like it's a revelation that she bad mouths him, too!
It sounds like your mother/folks are/have been highly dysfunctional. As you grow older, it will be more important for you to replace your anger with a sense of empathy and forgiveness. As an adult, you can still keep them 'at arms length', but, hanging onto your anger will harm you more than them. You might also consider some counseling yourself, since your attitudes toward relationships is likely skewed.
MissSoBelle, it is great to hear a different point of view on this topic. I had to read your post a few times to understand your perspective. I was confused at this statement:
"My brother has so much anger toward my parents that he hasn't been home since 1982. He lives right here in the good ole USA. When I talk to him on the phone, it is clear that he knows absolutely nothing of the way my mother (my dad has passed) is now."
Which was followed by:
"My mother has not done a total 180 (close though), but she is very different from the way she was when we were children."
Your brother may not think "close though" is enough to warrant a relationship. It's his right as an adult to choose who to let in his life.
You seemed to have healed by taking care of your mother while his way of coping is to stay away.
I am about to share something so deeply private now.
I had to have emergency surgery quite awhile back. After leaving work early one morning, I collapsed in the street. I was unconscious and apparently critical from what I was told after. I barely remember that day. Anyway, luckily, I had identification on me and the medical center was able to track down my relatives. When I regained consciousness a couple of days later, my favorite Auntie was at my bedside.
Kharing, I'm so happy to hear that you survived your medical emergency due to the kindness of strangers and your favorite aunt. I'm sorry to hear that your parents would not come, but maybe it was for the best. You didn't need someone upsetting you while you were healing. It's nice to hear happy anecdotes like this.
Regarding my situation, actually I did not heal by taking care of my mother. I healed through literally decades of psychotherapy...and my mother also got better through a lot of psychotherapy and medication. If she was still the way she used to be, I would not be here taking care of her. Even then, it isn't easy, as she has not made a total 180. She still tries to be controlling, but I refuse to enable her.
As far as my brother goes, I have told him that she is a completely different person than she used to be. I never told him that she was "close to doing a 180." He just refuses to believe that she could change that much. My brother actually needs psychotherapy himself because he is such an angry person because of the way we were raised. He refuses psychotherapy though due to the macho thing. He says he can handle it, but his way of handling it is to self-medicate with alcohol. So, he now has children who have anger at him over the way they were raised. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Fortunately, my sister-in-law was a wonderful mother, and the children have turned out great.
I know this will never happen, but I really think that people should be required to take mental exams before they have children. I've heard stories of my mother's behavior before she had children. They were horrible. She should never have been a parent. She actually turned out just like her mother did. My father was wonderful...albeit, an enabler because he gave into her to avoid arguements. I never really had anger at him though. He was just the kindest person.
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Abusive Parents
