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In the long run, putting other people before ourselves is the right thing. Even if, at the time, you're about to choke your sister. You need to strike a bargain. We sit where you want but you buy the popcorn!
I struggled with this in my thirties. It's a growing process that requires self-awareness and it sounds like you've got that. Learning to distinguish between a want and a need is important. Beyond the physical needs it takes some time to learn about your psychological/emotional needs. And those also change with time.
Usually I knew when I'd failed myself by the resulting resentment, depression or otherwise unpleasant feelings I had when I made a decision in favor of someone else at a time when I couldn't afford to be that generous. From there I began to delay my response time to requests until I had time to take my emotional temperature.
For instance, when the school called and wanted me to bring a pan of bars, my first response would automatically be "yes." As a busy working mom sometimes by the end of the week I'd committed to so many projects that my weekend was full of other people's work. So to give me a while to assess my week and see how much spare time I'd have, instead I would answer, "May I give you a call back in an hour and let you know?"
Obviously sometimes you have to wing it. But I have learned to also admit I've made a mistake and to take back a yes. When I have to do that, I've provided an alternative so they aren't left hanging. Its not good trait to make a habit of this but now and then it helps in a pinch.
For instance, "I've realized I'm way too busy this week to bake bars, but I will buy some at the store and have someone drop them off."
And in that way, paying attention to whether my needs for rest and relaxation were being met before I depleted myself, I gradually learned to pace myself. In order to do that I also had to learn about assertive communication -being straightforward and honest about my needs to others. Sounds simple but actually can take some practice.
Friendships? For me one-sided ones just don't work. If I'm doing all the giving, listening, comforting it's going to be too lopsided to maintain. It's just got to be give and take on both sides. Not like keeping track but just a gentle flow over time that will feel right to both people.
This is a very hard thing to master without feeling guilty! I used to give all sorts of justifications when I said "no" but have gotten to where I can just say "I'm sorry, I can't help you out" and NOT feel the need to justify. It is hard and I always feel weird and even icky for a few minutes after, but I'm always proud of myself once that passes. I feel most guilty when it involves work - the person who was scheduled on Saturday had something come up - can you come in for just a couple of hours?? I used to say yes then kick myself after, but getting better at saying no OR at the least saying "I have to look at my plan book, let me get back to you" so I have time to think about what I want to do before just agreeing.
ocnjgirl, yes! Something in this society or in us seems to teach us to discount our needs, I think. That guilt feels almost like you've lied, that you really could make the time if you wanted to. It does nag at you.
False beliefs -
I have to be available when someone says they need me.
If I say "no" people will be angry at me or not include me anymore.
Refusing to help means I am selfish.
(Insert your own here.)
Paying attention to what the false belief behind the guilt is seems important. Otherwise subconsciously we could be running a tape in our head telling us negative things that will make it more difficult and make us feel badly about ourselves.
It helps if we to build our self-esteem so that we know our time counts as much as anyone else's time. If I pay attention to my emotional needs and get them met it will be easier for me to say "no" without guilt. My false beliefs won't have so much power over me.
Perhaps we've all heard this before but here's one true belief I use - I take care of myself first otherwise I'm no good for helping anyone else. I don't know if that will work for anyone else or not. But as a mother the value of helping others is ingrained in me.
I want to do it. And I want to do it without feeling conflicted.
ocnjgirl, yes! Something in this society or in us seems to teach us to discount our needs, I think. That guilt feels almost like you've lied, that you really could make the time if you wanted to. It does nag at you.
False beliefs -
I have to be available when someone says they need me.
If I say "no" people will be angry at me or not include me anymore.
Refusing to help means I am selfish.
(Insert your own here.)
Paying attention to what the false belief behind the guilt is seems important. Otherwise subconsciously we could be running a tape in our head telling us negative things that will make it more difficult and make us feel badly about ourselves.
It helps if we to build our self-esteem so that we know our time counts as much as anyone else's time. If I pay attention to my emotional needs and get them met it will be easier for me to say "no" without guilt. My false beliefs won't have so much power over me.
Perhaps we've all heard this before but here's one true belief I use - I take care of myself first otherwise I'm no good for helping anyone else. I don't know if that will work for anyone else or not. But as a mother the value of helping others is ingrained in me.
I want to do it. And I want to do it without feeling conflicted.
Exactly!! My mother always takes full advantage of guilt as a way to get her needs met from me, but not my brother. I think a lot of this guilt is a problem more so for women because we are "supposed" to be helpful to people and take care of people even if it means putting our own needs on the back burner.
This is a very hard thing to master without feeling guilty! I used to give all sorts of justifications when I said "no" but have gotten to where I can just say "I'm sorry, I can't help you out" and NOT feel the need to justify. It is hard and I always feel weird and even icky for a few minutes after, but I'm always proud of myself once that passes. I feel most guilty when it involves work - the person who was scheduled on Saturday had something come up - can you come in for just a couple of hours?? I used to say yes then kick myself after, but getting better at saying no OR at the least saying "I have to look at my plan book, let me get back to you" so I have time to think about what I want to do before just agreeing.
A person who cares about you will accept no. A person who is in it for themselves will wheedle and whine and do everything in their power to get you to do what they want, because they are ever so much more important that you and your needs.
I'm trying to get someone I care about to see this distinction -- so far -- no luck. She's getting all used up....
Miss Hepburn -- you should ask your sister why she likes the back seats -- she might have a good reason. My husband and I have a deal when we watch DVD's. He brings out three or four things he wants to see... and I have the final say. Everyone is happy.
Miss Hepburn described a situation where one person refused to dress nicely, so an entire family was forced to have Thanksgiving in a diner the rest of them would not have chosen. I think that's ridiculous. It's bowing to a dictator. What was he contributing to the group that was so vital that his wishes should over-ride the desires of many others?
When it's a one-on-one disagreement, I quietly acquiesce to another's wishes if they have a logical REASON for their choice. For example, they're short or deaf and can't see/hear beyond the first row. Or an elder's walker can't be comfortably accommodated in a restaurant booth. But if granny's only gripe is she wants to be seen in the tonier part of the restaurant when everybody else wants to be on the casual side, that's rude on her part. And while age deserves some deference, it doesn't deserve unquestioned obedience.
I've stopped socializing with people because, for example, they're always late and think that should be accommodated without complaint, we only go places they like with no feeling for what I might enjoy, or they always come to my house for dinner and never invite me. If there's no give and take, why would I want to socialize with them?
There's a difference between being cooperative and being a doormat.
Miss Hepburn described a situation where one person refused to dress nicely, so an entire family was forced to have Thanksgiving in a diner the rest of them would not have chosen. I think that's ridiculous. It's bowing to a dictator. What was he contributing to the group that was so vital that his wishes should over-ride the desires of many others?
When it's a one-on-one disagreement, I quietly acquiesce to another's wishes if they have a logical REASON for their choice. For example, they're short or deaf and can't see/hear beyond the first row. Or an elder's walker can't be comfortably accommodated in a restaurant booth. But if granny's only gripe is she wants to be seen in the tonier part of the restaurant when everybody else wants to be on the casual side, that's rude on her part. And while age deserves some deference, it doesn't deserve unquestioned obedience.
I've stopped socializing with people because, for example, they're always late and think that should be accommodated without complaint, we only go places they like with no feeling for what I might enjoy, or they always come to my house for dinner and never invite me. If there's no give and take, why would I want to socialize with them?
There's a difference between being cooperative and being a doormat.
It was I who talked about that. I nor any of us looked at it as bowing to a dictator, but simply accepting and loving my brother for exactly who he is, in spite of his flaws, just as my family accepts and loves me despite my own flaws. That to me is what family is all about. If we had confronted him about this, he wouldn't have come to dinner at all, and I wouldn't have a lifetime of wonderful memories of us all together. My brother and I have a close, loving relationship full of laughter even now (he's now 59, me 52) and that to me is much more important than going to the restaurant of my choice one day in 1985. There is nothing "logical" about our neuroses and quirks, so my reason for them is not going to seem reasonable to you, and yours won't to me.
Again, it's about knowing what you want, and what's going to get you that, and what's going to derail you from it. I don't want to look back on our holidays and remember fights over petty, trivial things that won't matter in the slightest when I'm on my deathbed, I want to look back and remember love and celebration.
The saying "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" comes to mind.
I am known for being true to myself about wanting to do a particular thing or not.
The one thing I do always do, tho, is sit wherever a friend wants to in a theater.
My sister, for some reason always needs to sit in the LAST back row!!!
Whassup with that?
I have not sat where I wanted in 30 years...unless I go alone...which I do almost
every Fri early afternoon...ahh, I love the place I pick.
There is a real problem, imo, with co-dependency...being out of touch with ourselves and
what we need or want...to then do whatever the other wants...then having a bad time.
Are we too influenced by people? Were we brought up to please others?
Are we self centered if we do what we want to do?
Is being self centered bad?
Any opinions or success stories of finally
breaking the people pleasing addiction?
Added: Pls note: This is not in the Romantic section.
It's about balance, give and take. You have to sacrifice sometimes, just as others sacrifice for you sometimes. And to make things bearable, you have to also take time to please yourself sometimes too. Otherwise, you just end up alone, pleasing yourself only. Or bitter within a friendship.
Or about "choosing your battles". Maybe it REALLY bothers her to sit in any other row, for example. So in this case, you try to accommodate her. If it's something like a whim, but not really that important, then you could overrule her desires. But you would have to find out how important the something is.
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