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In most cases.... if a man and a woman are dating and are in a close relationship but one of them wants it to end there will be a face to face discussion. Tears may be shed but the message is sent clearly that the relationship is ending.
How about a close friendship where the two people no longer have much in common anymore but only one side wants to admit it? If it were you and you were really close friends, how would you end the friendship? The nature of the friendship historically is to communicate with each other nearly everyday so trying to slowly end the friendship is not going to work.
Well, as you get older, friends become more and more rare -- especially if you are cutting them out of your life because y'all hit a boring stretch.
If it's been a long-term friendship, why do you feel you have to "end it"? Why can't it just get reassigned to a different niche in your life for now -- "friend who is experiencing life differently from me, now"? Not every "friend" has to be feeling and experiencing life with immediate feedback and discussion at every moment of the day.
I have a friend from the 3rd grade -- that was almost 50 years ago. We were very, very close for years, then we went different ways due to post-high-school career plans. I moved, she moved -- I got married, then a few years later, she got married. We stayed in touch, but the friendship evolved into something else. She's still a wonderful person, and I still consider her a friend -- I know that I could call her day or night, and she'd be there, instantly. And same for me. We certainly don't talk every day -- we might chat about once every couple of months, but we keep up with each other's lives. Do we have a lot in common at this point? No, not really -- just a shared history, and a sincere admiration for each other's accomplishments through the years. She's an interesting person and does interesting things.
All this is to say that I don't understand how you can go from being friends who talk every day to "not friends." That seems to be a pretty abrupt transition. I could see it if it happened naturally, due to distance, work pressures, etc. But just to decide, "I don't want this person in my life anymore because they are boring" seems pretty . . . cold.
Well, as you get older, friends become more and more rare -- especially if you are cutting them out of your life because y'all hit a boring stretch.
If it's been a long-term friendship, why do you feel you have to "end it"? Why can't it just get reassigned to a different niche in your life for now -- "friend who is experiencing life differently from me, now"? Not every "friend" has to be feeling and experiencing life with immediate feedback and discussion at every moment of the day.
I have a friend from the 3rd grade -- that was almost 50 years ago. We were very, very close for years, then we went different ways due to post-high-school career plans. I moved, she moved -- I got married, then a few years later, she got married. We stayed in touch, but the friendship evolved into something else. She's still a wonderful person, and I still consider her a friend -- I know that I could call her day or night, and she'd be there, instantly. And same for me. We certainly don't talk every day -- we might chat about once every couple of months, but we keep up with each other's lives. Do we have a lot in common at this point? No, not really -- just a shared history, and a sincere admiration for each other's accomplishments through the years. She's an interesting person and does interesting things.
All this is to say that I don't understand how you can go from being friends who talk every day to "not friends." That seems to be a pretty abrupt transition. I could see it if it happened naturally, due to distance, work pressures, etc. But just to decide, "I don't want this person in my life anymore because they are boring" seems pretty . . . cold.
The problem lies in thinking that all people think like us. They don't.
One of my friends, I'm pretty sure she just moves on and doesn't give her old friends a second thought.
I find it interesting that in another thread, most people admitted they could use more friends and a lot of people said their social life is downright sad, but then in this thread, people are talking about so easily writing off 'boring' friends.
A slow drift is not possible because there has been historical contact nearly every day.
The advice so far is for ending a relationship with casual friends you see on and off. This is a best friend I have nothing in common with anymore. (We were much alike once but we have changed and he does to admit this.)
It's absolutely possible. A slow drift is the same whether there was day-to-day contact, week-to-week, month-to-month, etc. He calls you - ignore the call. If he calls again that same day, just text him something like, "Super busy, will get back to you later." When he calls the next day, answer the call, talk for a couple minutes, then tell him that you need to get goin', but you'll call him back another day. So on and so on. If he directly asks what's going on, you could just say that you don't have the same amount of time as you did before to commit to the friendship. If he keeps asking what's going on, then just be straight with him (don't call him boring - just say that you don't feel you have a lot in common).
Frankly, when your conversations have drifted enough that you only talk once every couple of weeks, or only see each other once a month or so, you may actually find him less boring. If not, no biggie, keep going with the slow drift or cut it off totally, but a big part of how you find the friendship boring could be the constant talking to one another. I definitely don't talk every day with my best friends - that's too much, and we'd end up with nothing to say to one another.
I have never dropped a friend because they were boring. In fact, I do not really find anyone boring. Everyone has something about them that is interesting. I have, however, dropped friends for impasses in the relationship. Perhaps I am a sucky friend for not trying harder....but here are two different friendships I dropped and the reasons.
The first was a person I met at a social event. We hit it off, laughed a lot, drank a glass of wine together. We agreed to meet up a week later to share more stories and to get to know each other better. We both had teenage sons around the same age, so comparing parenting stories was really fun. Well.... as time went on, all she ever wanted to do was go out to various places to drink wine. At first, this seemed fine and it was kind of fun to check out a lot of new places around town. But eventually, this gig just did not work for me as I am not a big drinker. I drink maybe 2 or 3 alcholic beverages a year. She seemed irked if I did not order a drink when we went out. I would order a coffee or a soft drink. But this new friend of mine was a wino, I swear. She drank to get drunk every time. And she always had man problems. I grew tired of hearing her relationship issues and did not enjoy the alcohol indulgence. I just withdrew from the meet ups slowly. Eventually, the meet ups just fizzled away. I think of her often and hope she has her drinking under control.
The second was a very close, long time friend. We were neighbors, our kids grew up together, we spent a lot of time together. Many years into the friendship, her husband got an out of state job and they moved away. We kept in touch. In fact, their 18 year old daughter even lived with us after they moved away so she could finish high school in her school with her childhood friends. (Our family offered this to this young lady because we felt bad about her having to move in her senior year.) Then something happened. We went away on vacation (out of state) and I came to learn that while I was away, my friend drove up to my state and took a mini vacation in my house. She did not ask if it was OK, she just did it. And since her 18 year old daughter lived there, I guess she figured she could just stay there, too. It hurt and angered me that she did not ask permission to stay in my house. And to top it off, my friend did not even tell me herself. Her daughter told me in passing about it a week after we were back from our vacation. From that point forward, I just drifted her out of my life. The trust was gone.
In most cases.... if a man and a woman are dating and are in a close relationship but one of them wants it to end there will be a face to face discussion. Tears may be shed but the message is sent clearly that the relationship is ending.
How about a close friendship where the two people no longer have much in common anymore but only one side wants to admit it? If it were you and you were really close friends, how would you end the friendship? The nature of the friendship historically is to communicate with each other nearly everyday so trying to slowly end the friendship is not going to work.
If you don't want to continue contact then don't, there is no rule that says you have to.
You've been friends for a while, the friendship appears to have run it's course as some friendships do.
Answer if you feel like it and want to, don't answer if you don't feel like it or want to but don't continue to answer out of guilt or obligation.
The slow drift and just stop returning their calls and texts advice just seems incredibly CRUEL in my mind. These are close friends that you went through a lot with. You did them favors, they did favors for you. Both of you provided emotional support to each other. And you want me to be incredibly passive aggressive with them. How cruel.
Is this something you are going through right now? How have you decided to proceed? I'm curious of the outcome. If the friend did something to you and there was an issue that needed to be addressed, thats one thing…but what you are talking about is different.
Anybody who is contacting you on a daily basis (when you aren't instigating at least 1/3 of the calls) may very well be an energy vampire; there is NO ONE I want to talk to on a daily basis, I just don't have anything to say that often. Extroverts think everyone needs to yakkety-*** every day, all day, but it's because they can't stand to be alone in their own minds and skins.
What are you, some teddy bear this guy can't leave home without, or deal with life without?
Look at your own history of feeling the need to call HIM, and how often HE calls YOU, and then yeah; just let return calls and answering of any social media requests fade out.
No need to say, 'you're boring me to pieces, ferchrissakes', just be BUSY. You might find that once a week or once a month is plenty exposure to this person, or you might find that indeed, he never grew up and you did; doesn't matter. It's not a friendship if it's not mutual.
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