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You can set boundaries. You just haven't learned how.
Get this book:
[url=http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436]Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books[/url]
I have set boundaries and I have tried to be nice and let things go. But I keep getting burned. I really think the only way out is to cut ties.
I have set boundaries and I have tried to be nice and let things go. But I keep getting burned. I really think the only way out is to cut ties.
Maybe so. That is a choice that is yours to make.
Setting and keeping boundaries requires conflict, which is usually miserable when working with a narcissist. Cutting ties may work better for you at this point.
Setting and keeping boundaries requires conflict, which is usually miserable when working with a narcissist. Cutting ties may work better for you at this point.
She always manages to make me feel guilty when I create distance. There are times when she is very nice and she was great the week I got married with helping out and making dinner for my inlaws etc. But that kind of niceness is short lived.
She always manages to make me feel guilty when I create distance. There are times when she is very nice and she was great the week I got married with helping out and making dinner for my inlaws etc. But that kind of niceness is short lived.
Boundaries =/= distance. You have to speak up when they are violated, i.e. when she uses guilt. If you cannot tolerate standing up to her, then you should cut ties.
So I'm friends with my brother's girlfriend on Facebook. I'm not close with my brother, but his girlfriend is a nice person and we talk on fb sometimes. Well I got an invite to a Halloween party she is co-hosting at her best friend's house. When I saw the invite I got a little excited about going. Turns out it was an accident. She invited everyone on her friends list on accident. I saw the list and she did intentionally invite some of my cousins and I think my sister and her husband may go.
I'm pretty hurt but honestly not very surprised that I wasn't REALLY invited. I believe it is because I have been at odds with my parents and siblings for many years. My mother has always picked favorites and dumped on me. I never really felt like part of the family. My mother got pregnant with me and my biological father wanted her to have an abortion. He didn't stick around and he signed away his rights to me. My mother married my step father who adopted and raised me from the time I was 2.
My mother always reminded me that I was different and it definitely took it's toll on me. Since I have married I don't tolerate her crap anymore. We live about an hour away from my parents, so it works out that I don't have to see them very often. I always wanted things to be different and tried for many years but I always ended up getting judged and put down by my mother and siblings. My father is very passive and doesn't say much about it. Family get togethers make me feel tense and uncomfortable. They also feel very "fake". My family loves my husband but it doesn't ease the tension and resentment I feel.
We went to my mothers house for my dads and sisters birthday a few weeks ago. I really only went for my dad. I got my dad some clothing and of course it wasn't good enough according to my mother. And she also made a comment that I didn't get my sister anything. My sister and I don't exchange gifts. So I didn't get her anything.
Now this party and not being included just adds to it. I think I may unfriend my brothers girlfriend..
Is it stupid to feel bad about it?
No, it's not stupid to feel bad about it. But just keep in mind it's not your fault. THEY are the clowns in this, not you.
If your dad won't even stand up for you, I'm afraid I would have to send a gift in the future, and not even put myself through going over there at all.
Last edited by Jaded; 10-30-2014 at 05:41 PM..
Reason: language
I have set boundaries and I have tried to be nice and let things go. But I keep getting burned. I really think the only way out is to cut ties.
Then do it.
I cut ties with my family when my father died. They always saw me as the black sheep and never knew of the good things I have accomplished since I moved away, so screw 'em. It's their loss, not mine.
Because "they are my family" blah blah blah. I will never hear the end of that.
I do plan to buy the book today though. Thank you for the link.
So what, they are family, that doesn't mean you are obligated to spend time with them it just means you have the same DNA.
You don't move on because you don't want to move on because it is easier to fuss and carry on about all the misery they have caused you in the past.
If you to allow them to continue to treat you how they treat you and you choose to continue to interact with them and pretend you are happy to spend time with them then you choose to continue to allow their actions to control your life.
Until you make the decision to actually not tolerate their behavior you have no reason to complain.
So what, they are family, that doesn't mean you are obligated to spend time with them it just means you have the same DNA.
You don't move on because you don't want to move on because it is easier to fuss and carry on about all the misery they have caused you in the past.
If you to allow them to continue to treat you how they treat you and you choose to continue to interact with them and pretend you are happy to spend time with them then you choose to continue to allow their actions to control your life.
Until you make the decision to actually not tolerate their behavior you have no reason to complain.
I do not want to carry on at all. That isn't true. I guess I'm was hoping they would change when they wont. And I always worry that something may happen to my parents and how could I live with the guilt if I cut ties.
i don't blame you at all for being hurt, esp with the past issues and background.
so what is your relationship with your brother like? after all, it's his g/f who's not inviting you to party, not your parents or your sister.
sounds like they (esp your mom) is toxic. i'd have no problem cutting them off if that made me happier and more sane. just b/c they are family doesn't mean they get to treat you like crap. or have a heart to heart w/ your mom or write her a letter to tell her how you feel. give her one more chance and if that doesn't help, cut her off.
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