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My partner's mother, I've posted about her before. Filed for bankruptcy once, fine. Ran up a ton of debt again without a care in the world, filed for bankruptcy again. Owed money on someone else's credit card (yes I know), instead of paying it, is trying to get this person to negotiate the balance lower! OK. Every Saturday, she is at the garage sale etc, buying useless stuff she does not need. Last week two brand new couches arrive. Every week she complains about her car and says that one more repair and she's going to take it to the dealer and get something she "really wants." Something she really wants is a Denali or bigger!
Now, she "retired," took SS early, but now still has to work (under the table) to finish paying off her bills which didn't get cleared up in the Bankruptcy - IRS and such. Instead of saving she is blowing it all and making references that she doesn't even have $1K in the bank. She takes home between everything, close to $3K per month and her bills including rent are half that. She lived with us for about 18 months to get back on her feet, my partner did her bills with her until about a year ago. Currently her other daughter is living with her and sees all these things happening. I don't want to live with her again, unless she is physically not able to live alone.
My worry is that if she is unable to work, they'll repo the car (fine), but she won't have any money saved and will complain like before about not being able to go to NY to see family or on vacation and be on the PB&J diet. As much as my partner (her daughter) says that she won't care, I know she will and we will again be paying for plane tickets, dinners and vacations.
It irks me that she will never be responsible for her actions and I question why I even pay my bills.
Would it be appropriate for my partner to come to her and ask to see her financial picture? My partner doesn't want to do it since she gave up control last year, but if I make her see that we might be able to stop this train wreck, maybe she might...I am just going to be really ticked off when she's got $10 in the bank and starts guilt tripping us like before.
My mom, at 54 is quitting her job on Jan 5th. I really hope my posts won't be about her in the near future!
So keep your finances separate from your spouse, girlfriend, live in, whatever you call her.
Pay 1/2 of all debts related to your living arrangement, keep the rest of your money for yourself.
Let the other 1/2 of all debts be paid by the other and she keeps the rest of her money for herself.
When she tells you she is a bit short because she had to pay for her Mom to do whatever,
tell her that you paid your 1/2 of the monthly debts related to the home and you don't have any extra to give her.
The only reason one is "guilted" into doing something they do not want to do is because they "Allow" another human to make them feel guilty.
So you both need to grow up, tell the parents you cannot support them because you have your own household to tend to and let them fend for themselves.
So keep your finances separate from your spouse, girlfriend, live in, whatever you call her.
Pay 1/2 of all debts related to your living arrangement, keep the rest of your money for yourself.
Let the other 1/2 of all debts be paid by the other and she keeps the rest of her money for herself.
When she tells you she is a bit short because she had to pay for her Mom to do whatever,
tell her that you paid your 1/2 of the monthly debts related to the home and you don't have any extra to give her.
The only reason one is "guilted" into doing something they do not want to do is because they "Allow" another human to make them feel guilty.
So you both need to grow up, tell the parents you cannot support them because you have your own household to tend to and let them fend for themselves.
Whoa! Angry much? I don't live my life like you. We keep our finances together because that's what works for us. And when you say "another human" it's not another human, it's your mother. If you wouldn't feel bad for your mother in a bad situation no matter how she got there, then I feel bad for you.
Your partner is going to have to draw the line somewhere, or she will let her mother ruin her financially. Unfortunately, it will ultimately be up to her how she handles her mother. All you can do is take care of yourself and your financial responsibilities. It may mean opening your own savings and retirement accounts, if you havent already, separate from your partner.
Sure doesnt sound like theres any good resolution here. Good luck.
My partner's mother, I've posted about her before. Filed for bankruptcy once, fine. Ran up a ton of debt again without a care in the world, filed for bankruptcy again. Owed money on someone else's credit card (yes I know), instead of paying it, is trying to get this person to negotiate the balance lower! OK. Every Saturday, she is at the garage sale etc, buying useless stuff she does not need. Last week two brand new couches arrive. Every week she complains about her car and says that one more repair and she's going to take it to the dealer and get something she "really wants." Something she really wants is a Denali or bigger!
Now, she "retired," took SS early, but now still has to work (under the table) to finish paying off her bills which didn't get cleared up in the Bankruptcy - IRS and such. Instead of saving she is blowing it all and making references that she doesn't even have $1K in the bank. She takes home between everything, close to $3K per month and her bills including rent are half that. She lived with us for about 18 months to get back on her feet, my partner did her bills with her until about a year ago. Currently her other daughter is living with her and sees all these things happening. I don't want to live with her again, unless she is physically not able to live alone.
My worry is that if she is unable to work, they'll repo the car (fine), but she won't have any money saved and will complain like before about not being able to go to NY to see family or on vacation and be on the PB&J diet. As much as my partner (her daughter) says that she won't care, I know she will and we will again be paying for plane tickets, dinners and vacations.
It irks me that she will never be responsible for her actions and I question why I even pay my bills.
Would it be appropriate for my partner to come to her and ask to see her financial picture? My partner doesn't want to do it since she gave up control last year, but if I make her see that we might be able to stop this train wreck, maybe she might...I am just going to be really ticked off when she's got $10 in the bank and starts guilt tripping us like before.
My mom, at 54 is quitting her job on Jan 5th. I really hope my posts won't be about her in the near future!
A person like this never learns when people are there enabling her. If you are already preparing yourself for having to pay for her plane tickets, then you're an enabler.
Whoa! Angry much? I don't live my life like you. We keep our finances together because that's what works for us. And when you say "another human" it's not another human, it's your mother. If you wouldn't feel bad for your mother in a bad situation no matter how she got there, then I feel bad for you.
Where do you get the anger from?
So what if it's her mother, your mother, etc. You aren't teaching her how to live within her means if you're paying for plane tickets for her to go to on trips and such. Just say no. It's not like you are refusing to pay for her medical care. You are refusing to pay for bull**** stuff she doesn't need.
A person like this never learns when people are there enabling her. If you are already preparing yourself for having to pay plane tickets, then you're an enabler.
STOP IT.
Just say no.
Would you be able to do this to your own mother, who has done nothing bad to you except be irresponsible with her finances? I just find it hard and I would find it hard to tell my partner to do so. I mean she doesn't have too many years left, to imagine her living destitute even if it is to her own doing, seems wrong. Family and all, right?
So keep your finances separate from your spouse, girlfriend, live in, whatever you call her.
Pay 1/2 of all debts related to your living arrangement, keep the rest of your money for yourself.
Let the other 1/2 of all debts be paid by the other and she keeps the rest of her money for herself.
When she tells you she is a bit short because she had to pay for her Mom to do whatever,
tell her that you paid your 1/2 of the monthly debts related to the home and you don't have any extra to give her.
The only reason one is "guilted" into doing something they do not want to do is because they "Allow" another human to make them feel guilty.
So you both need to grow up, tell the parents you cannot support them because you have your own household to tend to and let them fend for themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar
Whoa! Angry much? I don't live my life like you. We keep our finances together because that's what works for us. And when you say "another human" it's not another human, it's your mother. If you wouldn't feel bad for your mother in a bad situation no matter how she got there, then I feel bad for you.
I agree with CSD 100% and was really surprised at your reaction to the post.
The other option would require you to try and control your partner and her mother. Which isn't possible.
Doing what CSD suggested takes the "fight" out of the situation. You can say, I really don't want to support her anymore and I can see it's taking it's toll on our relationship. So, tell you what, I'm going to keep my mouth shut and you can do what you want, but I won't be helping to support her anymore.
Then, your partner is in the position to decide if she wants to continue to support her mother, without fighting with you about it. It makes her look at the situation without getting sidetracked by your resistance. Makes the situation clearer, in my opinion.
Because, it's not fair of your partner to expect you to support her mother. And that's what's happening.
If you're not willing to do this, then I don't see anything changing for you. Your partner will feel torn between you and her mother, and she may fight you on principle - how can you be so uncaring? Yatta yatta.
So, take the fight out of it. Tell her you figured out what your half of the normal expenses and utilities are, that you will gladly welcome her mother back into the house, but you will only be paying your normal part of the expenses, because you don't want to have to support her mother anymore, but you also don't want to get between your partner and her mother, either.
I don't see how she would find that unfair. Asking you to support her mom AND allow her to live with you is really unfair. In my opinion.
Good luck. I'm sure there won't be any comfortable solution for you.
Would it be appropriate for my partner to come to her and ask to see her financial picture? My partner doesn't want to do it since she gave up control last year, but if I make her see that we might be able to stop this train wreck, maybe she might...I am just going to be really ticked off when she's got $10 in the bank and starts guilt tripping us like before.
You couldn't stop the train wreck before, there's no reason to assume that you're going to be able to stop it again.
Your partner has the right idea. Taking over her finances again might postpone the train wreck somewhat; but at this point she's not going to change her habits, and she's only going to resent you for not letting her spend her money as she sees fit.
Best advice I can give, let Mom spend herself into the poor farm. Establish a "Mom expense" line in your household budget. Agree that this is the only money that she's going to get from you, and only help her out when there's a legitimate need (food, utilities, etc.). When she comes to you for money, offer to pay her bills or buy her what she needs rather than paying cash. And when I say that you need to agree that this is the only money she's going to get from you, that applies to birthday/Christmas gifts, as well. If she drains the money you've set aside to make ends meet, she gets a card. If there's anything left, buy her a gift or just give her the cash.
I don't know if this will work in your situation or not, but I don't really think continuing to step in and handle her finances for short periods of time is going to solve anything.
So keep your finances separate from your spouse, girlfriend, live in, whatever you call her.
Pay 1/2 of all debts related to your living arrangement, keep the rest of your money for yourself.
Let the other 1/2 of all debts be paid by the other and she keeps the rest of her money for herself.
When she tells you she is a bit short because she had to pay for her Mom to do whatever,
tell her that you paid your 1/2 of the monthly debts related to the home and you don't have any extra to give her.
The only reason one is "guilted" into doing something they do not want to do is because they "Allow" another human to make them feel guilty.
So you both need to grow up, tell the parents you cannot support them because you have your own household to tend to and let them fend for themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar
Whoa! Angry much? I don't live my life like you. We keep our finances together because that's what works for us. And when you say "another human" it's not another human, it's your mother. If you wouldn't feel bad for your mother in a bad situation no matter how she got there, then I feel bad for you.
Whoa, right back to you katestar. I don't think that CSD meant that you should let your partner's mom starve, but you (as a couple or her daughter) may have to be firmer about giving her extra money. Mom may need to just face reality on some things.
There may come a time when you and you partner may have to choose between buying your child the new pair of shoes that they need for school or paying for a restaurant meal that your partner's mom "insists" that she has to have. Or choose between your family paying your own bills or paying for the plane ticket that her mom insists that she have to go back to NY for a visit.
Those can be tough choices, but you & your partner should be prepared to make choices like that in the future.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-03-2014 at 01:17 PM..
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