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I think this is very juvenile myself, but then I have come to realize that all of us have some sort of thing we are adamant about and will dig our heels in about, especially when it comes to expectations for holidays or special occasions. Most people anyway. For instance, with me, the house must be decorated. I don't care if no one sees it but me - it's got to be decorated. If I had married someone who didn't like holiday decorations, it would have been a big issue between us. I mean, a big one. I can't imagine Christmas without a Christmas tree and and Advent wreath and a mantel full of evergreen.
So apparently this CHRISTMAS DAY thing is THE BIG DEAL to your husband. My husband isn't like this but some people on his side of the family are. I mean, it's Christmas Day or nothing. They have zero flexibility. I have always thought it was weird and selfish, because families need to be flexible for holidays.
My gosh, if we only opened presents or celebrated Christmas on Christmas Day, with our military and oilfield family we'd miss about 2/3s of the Christmases in a life time, not to mention birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It's so extreme in our family that we have just about given up on celebrating things on THE DAY and instead we allow family members to spend it with those few who are so adamant about THE DAY - because THE DAY isn't what's important to us at all. It's the season, the thought, the meaning, not the date on a dang calendar.
I hate to say it but I doubt that your husband is going to change much on this. He may be forced to be somewhat flexible but he's probably never going to like it. Pity, really. It adds undue pressure to a time that can already be stressful.
Waiting on the usual "you should break up with him" post .......
Hah. I don't think she should break up with him, but maybe she should consider if this is part of a pattern. I mean, she actually does say that she wonders if it's a passive-aggressive way of ruining Christmas for everyone. That's kind of indicating she doesn't have much confidence in his maturity.
And honestly, a while back I dated a guy who was inexplicably rigid over trivial matters like this. It was weird and control-freakish, and I eventually realized it was part of an overall theme of immaturity and a self-involved nature. He was a highly insecure individual, and if one thing didn't go his way during something he considered to be a "special moment," it was all ruined.
One night he rolled over in bed at like 2 am and started making moves on me. He had work the next day, so I teased him "shouldn't you be sleeping?" He immediately rolled away from me and said I had ruined the mood.
When I broke up with him, I realized it was nice not to be around someone who constantly had me walking on eggshells, worried if I was keeping up with his vision of how things should be. I'm not saying the OP's husband is like that, but ... he is being unreasonable. Is it a one-time thing or is it part of a pattern? That's really the question.
Hah. I don't think she should break up with him, but maybe she should consider if this is part of a pattern. I mean, she actually does say that she wonders if it's a passive-aggressive way of ruining Christmas for everyone. That's kind of indicating she doesn't have much confidence in his maturity.
And honestly, a while back I dated a guy who was inexplicably rigid over trivial matters like this. It was weird and control-freakish, and I eventually realized it was part of an overall theme of immaturity and a self-involved nature. He was a highly insecure individual, and if one thing didn't go his way during something he considered to be a "special moment," it was all ruined.
One night he rolled over in bed at like 2 am and started making moves on me. He had work the next day, so I teased him "shouldn't you be sleeping?" He immediately rolled away from me and said I had ruined the mood.
When I broke up with him, I realized it was nice not to be around someone who constantly had me walking on eggshells, worried if I was keeping up with his vision of how things should be. I'm not saying the OP's husband is like that, but ... he is being unreasonable. Is it a one-time thing or is it part of a pattern? That's really the question.
M Scott Peck calls it "crazy making" and I can recognize it now but I wasn't always able to. Crazy makers control people by being unpredictable - you never know when you're going to set them off and they are always saying stuff like "You ruined the mood." GRRRRRR. No, buddy - YOU ruined the mood by being so crazy and moody! Sheeze, it's such a relief not to be married to someone like that anymore!
Like you, I'm not saying the OP's husband is like this though. I mean, if he's always adamant about the day then it's some sort of inflexible idea he's got in his head and she may just have to put up with it.
When we were living in the same state as our families, my husband and I used to do 3-4 required visits in a 70-mile radius on Christmas day. I joked it was never a holiday to me because I had to get up earlier to get to Christmas breakfast than I did for a work day. After we moved 600+ miles away, we argued about going back 2 weeks prior to Christmas because I liked the cheaper airfares and not worrying about the fervor of the holiday. He argued that he wanted to be with family and friends on Christmas day. Welp, one year we went back the week of Christmas and guess what? Some of the family had prior commitments; friends were booked with family. We didn't get to spend nearly as much time visiting. He looked at me and said, "I guess we should come earlier next year before things get too busy." *slaps forehead*
Let him stay home by himself on the 25th if he wants. There's no reason conflict with him has to figure into your plans to meet with everyone you want to meet with throughout the week. Give him a big baby rattle as one of his stocking stuffers.
Let him stay home by himself on the 25th if he wants. There's no reason conflict with him has to figure into your plans to meet with everyone you want to meet with throughout the week. Give him a big baby rattle as one of his stocking stuffers.
It really does sound like he is acting out a baby habit he's had his whole life. You can tell he's never had to go to the trouble of hosting TWO sets of families, like the SIL, but just shows up and opens presents like a 7-year-old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl
Maybe there is something more going on he hasn't told you yet. Or maybe it's just 'his thing' and moving away from that annoys him. It sounds as if you have had this conversation in the past.
While a very small little thing to you, it osmt to him. You find it trivial, which probably is throwing gas on the fire. Talk to him about why its so important to him.
I think this ^^^ is an important point.
I am an only child, and my parents still dig their heels in about seeing us and our kids ON holidays. My in-laws, however, have 3 kids and have always been flexible.
Just because you were flexible when you grew up may make it harder for you to understand his viewpoint. While I truly don't get his attitude, you will need to get him to talk about this in order to resolve it.
I don't know! It is obviously something that is NOT trivial to him. When I bring up that the Christmas season would be so much easier for everyone if he just let it go of the idea of only opening presents on Christmas day, he says he doesn't care about Christmas anymore, he is out.
He didn't blow up about it, he just digs his heels in and refuses to compromise.
His mom has very strong "bah humbug" feelings about Christmas. He is almost always in unity with her so I wonder if this is his passive aggressive way to to ruin Christmas for everyone.
I love Christmas, I want to install a joyous time and traditions in my kids but I also want them to know that the important thing is that we spend time together, not the actual date.
I think you hit the nail on the head. You might as well get used to it because he's not going to change and yes, he probably does want to ruin Christmas for everyone. These kind of people don't think like most of us. Sorry for your troubles, and your children's. I know it's not fair.
Do the event on Saturday without him and then just open presents the day of Christmas with him. It will be nice to have a small family day for your kids.
If you need to skip the holidays with the others because you don't want to go without him, then do so.
It is obviously something that is NOT trivial to him. When I bring up that the Christmas season would be so much easier for everyone if he just let it go of the idea of only opening presents on Christmas day, he says he doesn't care about Christmas anymore, he is out.
Obviously, if he has real "issues" then those need to be addressed, but in the immediate term I'd respond to him like the child he's acting like:
"Well, with that bad attitude you don't deserve to celebrate Christmas! I'm sorry you feel like your holiday is ruined, but I can't let you ruin it for the rest of us. So fake it 'til you make it, or pout in your room. Your choice. I hope you choose well because I'd really love for you to be there with us. But you've got to get your act together first."
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