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Oh give me a break! I'm sorry, but not all families have sweetness and light for relatives! Just because someone is a mother doesn't elevate them to saint status. And I'm including myself in that (as a daughter, mother, and grandmother).
All this "She's your mother - spend time with her" doesn't take into consideration that some mothers simply are not sweet and precious. Nor are they all old, sweet blue haired ladies. Some mothers are toxic. Some mothers are dysfunctional. Some mothers are manipulative.
I don't believe that being a mother means you get a " Get out of jail free" card. Children should respect their mothers - but mothers should also respect their children.
I'd stick to my guns and invite her where you are. If she doesn't want to, you can skip the visit Scott free. I think. Relationships, even with mothers, are two way streets
My mother lives two states (700 miles) away. The last time I saw her in person was back in July, when I had some vacation time. On that visit we agreed that next time she'd come to me in DC for visiting around the holidays. This was the deal up to even last month. Last week we were talking and she pops up with me coming to visit her. I told her I had some time off for NYE weekend and we left off with me considering it. In honesty, I do not feel like traveling to her spot because it is a depressing and boring place to be, even she hates it. I feel she is going back on her word since she said she would come to me next time. I could just do a visit for Xmas Eve and the day after thanks to getting that day after Xmas off but I just don't feel like it. I love her but I do NOT want to go spend rare time off for me in a God Forsaken spot like where she lives.
At this point I'm leaning no for visiting, am I being a total a-hole for it?
How can you say that you love your mom if you not willing to visit her based solely on where she lives? Now I can understand if you are black and your mother's neighbors hold Klan rallies every night, or something like that-that would make sense-but it seems as if a deeper issue is at hand here besides her current location simply being dull. Maybe you want to blow lines of coke all night long and party like there is no tomorrow on NYE? Otherwise you have no valid excuse for not visiting the women you claim to love, and to say that you do not want to do so because you do not like her location is just that: an excuse not a reason.
I also write that something else must be going on (it does not need to be party related, that was just an example) because you are stating that she is going back on her word. Did she absolutely, clearly state, that she agreed to come see you? Or was it more of a tentative plan? Whether she hates where she lives or not is also irrelevant.
The real question is if you feel this strongly about it then why did you lead her on by considering you visiting her?
Also, since you are questioning if this makes you an a-hole or not suggests that you already know the answer.
With that, you are grown adult. Do what you want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
I knew someone was going to try to guilt trip me with the "you'll miss her when she is gone" line. I think that I should have a right to expect her to understand the fact that I don't want to spend very rare time off in somewhere even she hates. I already had one parent who often thought it took too much effort to travel a few hours to see me. He's dead and he missed out on a lot of my life by his choice.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to spend Christmas with my mother, but I want some effort out of her.
Once again, anticipating the guilt trip is a huge clue to what is going on in your head, which is further evidenced by the rest of this post. You have resentment that your father did not take the time to visit you and you are now placing that resentment onto your mother. The irony is that you are doing the exact same thing he did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Oh give me a break! I'm sorry, but not all families have sweetness and light for relatives! Just because someone is a mother doesn't elevate them to saint status. And I'm including myself in that (as a daughter, mother, and grandmother).
All this "She's your mother - spend time with her" doesn't take into consideration that some mothers simply are not sweet and precious. Nor are they all old, sweet blue haired ladies. Some mothers are toxic. Some mothers are dysfunctional. Some mothers are manipulative.
I don't believe that being a mother means you get a " Get out of jail free" card. Children should respect their mothers - but mothers should also respect their children.
While this may be true to some there is no indication that the OPs mother has a toxic personality.
Don't go if you don't want to and don't feel bad about it. If your mother is trying to guilt trip you into going, then it is even more important that you set good boundaries now. Your mother said she would come visit you. If you still want her to come, just reissue the invite. If you don't want to see her during this vacation period, don't.
There is no rule that says you have to devote all your vacation time to pleasing your parents. It's your time, your life. You aren't a kid, you get to choose what you do. I know you know this and I am just preaching to the choir
My boyfriends parents are like this. They expect all their kids to come to them. It's a power play on their part. The end result is that they only have a relationship with one of their kids and do not know their grandchildren.
Don't go if you don't want to and don't feel bad about it. If your mother is trying to guilt trip you into going, then it is even more important that you set good boundaries now. Your mother said she would come visit you. If you still want her to come, just reissue the invite. If you don't want to see her during this vacation period, don't.
There is no rule that says you have to devote all your vacation time to pleasing your parents. It's your time, your life. You aren't a kid, you get to choose what you do. I know you know this and I am just preaching to the choir
My boyfriends parents are like this. They expect all their kids to come to them. It's a power play on their part. The end result is that they only have a relationship with one of their kids and do not know their grandchildren.
I totally agree and I have adult children. We love to see them but never try to claim all their vacation time.
How can you say that you love your mom if you not willing to visit her based solely on where she lives? Now I can understand if you are black and your mother's neighbors hold Klan rallies every night, or something like that-that would make sense-but it seems as if a deeper issue is at hand here besides her current location simply being dull. Maybe you want to blow lines of coke all night long and party like there is no tomorrow on NYE? Otherwise you have no valid excuse for not visiting the women you claim to love, and to say that you do not want to do so because you do not like her location is just that: an excuse not a reason.
I also write that something else must be going on (it does not need to be party related, that was just an example) because you are stating that she is going back on her word. Did she absolutely, clearly state, that she agreed to come see you? Or was it more of a tentative plan? Whether she hates where she lives or not is also irrelevant.
The real question is if you feel this strongly about it then why did you lead her on by considering you visiting her?
Also, since you are questioning if this makes you an a-hole or not suggests that you already know the answer.
With that, you are grown adult. Do what you want.
Once again, anticipating the guilt trip is a huge clue to what is going on in your head, which is further evidenced by the rest of this post. You have resentment that your father did not take the time to visit you and you are now placing that resentment onto your mother. The irony is that you are doing the exact same thing he did.
While this may be true to some there is no indication that the OPs mother has a toxic personality.
Man, I don't agree with the OP on quite a few things, but I think you're way off-base with your criticism.
A 700-mile trip for a two-three day visit is a big deal, especially for someone at the beginning of his career and in grad school. It's time consuming and a lot of money. He has the right to decide if it's worth his time, and being black has bupkis to do with it.
Dissenter, do what you want without feeling guilt. Send her a nice present and give her a nice long phone call.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,794,567 times
Reputation: 41397
Well, I talked to her today. I said, look I can't make it to KY but I'll be happy to help pay your way out here to DC (knowing full she'd never accept money from me.) She says she may not be able to leave since she may not get her leave approved since she is the last to request it and literally no one else will be in her office to handle the workload. So my decision could be made for me since she will likely be stuck at work and likely in no visiting mood.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,794,567 times
Reputation: 41397
Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Luv
How can you say that you love your mom if you not willing to visit her based solely on where she lives? Now I can understand if you are black and your mother's neighbors hold Klan rallies every night, or something like that-that would make sense-but it seems as if a deeper issue is at hand here besides her current location simply being dull. Maybe you want to blow lines of coke all night long and party like there is no tomorrow on NYE? Otherwise you have no valid excuse for not visiting the women you claim to love, and to say that you do not want to do so because you do not like her location is just that: an excuse not a reason.
I also write that something else must be going on (it does not need to be party related, that was just an example) because you are stating that she is going back on her word. Did she absolutely, clearly state, that she agreed to come see you? Or was it more of a tentative plan? Whether she hates where she lives or not is also irrelevant.
The real question is if you feel this strongly about it then why did you lead her on by considering you visiting her?
Also, since you are questioning if this makes you an a-hole or not suggests that you already know the answer.
With that, you are grown adult. Do what you want.
Once again, anticipating the guilt trip is a huge clue to what is going on in your head, which is further evidenced by the rest of this post. You have resentment that your father did not take the time to visit you and you are now placing that resentment onto your mother. The irony is that you are doing the exact same thing he did.
While this may be true to some there is no indication that the OPs mother has a toxic personality.
I've been waiting all day to type this rebuttal. I love her but I don't think it would be too much to ask her to live up to her end of a deal we made. The place I would be going was where I spent the worst year of my life. Just too many bad memories. It was tough being back there a few months ago.
I was very undecided about doing it until a couple days ago even when I started this thread. I did not lead her on.
In regards to my father, one of mom's biggest criticisms about him was about him expecting me to come see him all the time. This situation is extremely similar, except now I have the power as an adult to decide.
Well, I talked to her today. I said, look I can't make it to KY but I'll be happy to help pay your way out here to DC (knowing full she'd never accept money from me.) She says she may not be able to leave since[b][/B] she may not get her leave approved since she is the last to request it and literally no one else will be in her office to handle the workload. So my decision could be made for me since she will likely be stuck at work and likely in no visiting mood.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
My mother lives two states (700 miles) away. The last time I saw her in person was back in July, when I had some vacation time. On that visit we agreed that next time she'd cometo me in DC for visiting around the holidays. This was the deal up to even last month. Last week we were talking and she pops up with me coming to visit her. I told her I had some time off for NYE weekend and we left off with me considering it. In honesty, I do not feel like traveling to her spot because it is a depressing and boring place to be, even she hates it. I feel she is going back on her word since she said she would come to me next time. I could just do a visit for Xmas Eve and the day after thanks to getting that day after Xmas off but I just don't feel like it. I love her but I do NOT want to go spend rare time off for me in a God Forsaken spot like where she lives.
At this point I'm leaning no for visiting, am I being a total a-hole for it?
So, your Mom agreed to visit you for Christmas last July and she was the last to request her vacation time for Christmas? Hmmmm.
Wouldn't she have known that it was a problem when she asked off five months ago in July?
Hmmmm, or did she "forget" to ask for vacation time for her trip to DC?
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Early 60s, on the treadmill 5 days a week, no financial hardship, Works FT, Load of use or lose leave.
Mom, is young, healthy, has the money AND has lots of leave available.
Obviously, Mom had absolutely no intention of keeping the promise that she made to you, otherwise she would have requested time off for Christmas way back in July (or the first available time to request the leave).
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-17-2014 at 08:18 PM..
I've never said that we should never cut people out of our lives. I also didn't tell the OP to cut his mother out of his life.
The thread you referenced as well as my advice on this thread, and my consistent advice on any thread, is to get our own head straight, establish healthy boundaries, communicate those boundaries to the people in our lives and then hold them to those boundaries, in as respectful a manner as possible.
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Load of use or lose leave.
