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I am in my early fifties, and in good health, so I can imagine that your mother is active and in her right mind - not at all the frail, elderly mother type!
Since she's clearly competent, financially able, and physically able to come visit you, my suggestion is that you remind her that it's HER turn to come visit YOU and that you're looking forward to her visit. Stick to your guns. If she refuses to come, tell her clearly that it's her choice and you're sorry she's made that choice, but once again, it's her turn and you're both adults so you expect her to play fair.
Give her a reasonable deadline to get back with you with clearly defined visit dates, and then if she doesn't do that, make your own plans. Then stick to them - and enjoy yourself!
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother a few years ago. I told her "We're both adults - we are going to need to revisit how we interact. I'm not going to interact with you as a child anymore, and I expect you to treat me with the same amount of respect you would give any adult."
I thought that was reasonable but she was HORRIFIED. I mean, her reaction was very enlightening. She actually told me - had the audacity to tell me - "I am your MOTHER. You are my CHILD. That is how things are going to always be."
No.
I said, "Yes, you are my mother. But I am not a child. You are an adult and I am an adult, and we are going to have an adult relationship or a very limited one because I'm not a child and will not act or be treated like one."
She was furious. Like...for three years. But she eventually got over it.
Sounds like your mom may be pulling the Mom Guilt card. Or maybe you're just feeling it because you're operating as a child rather than an adult in the relationship.
You're both competent adults. Act like an adult with her and insist she treats you as one. She wouldn't act like an old, frail, fragile old lady who was pining away for her child with her circle of friends - and don't let her pull that on you either! She needs to pack her bags and come visit you the next time - whether it's this holiday or some other holiday. Maybe both of you will decide for this holiday to make other plans and that's OK too - but it's her decision as much as it is yours. She's not allowed to pull the "My way or the highway" thing just because she's your mother.
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Originally Posted by Lilac110
No, you're not a total ahole for it. DC is fun during the holidays, and I wish my family had made an attempt to come see it instead of expecting me to travel to their various suburban hells through the years.
I would just say, "Mom, you were going to come here, remember? There is a lot to do here and I'd love to show you around, take you to the national Christmas tree, show you DC done up for the holidays. You'd love it."
There will come a day when u would give anything to go and have a visit with your Mom.
Do it. Just visit her even if it's for a short period of time. Make some plans to be out and about while there. Maybe do something different.
U dont have to go up there and just sit around. Go do something, just spend quality time wit yo mama.
My thoughts exactly. I lost my Mom 37 years ago. Now six feet of earth separate us at the Holidays. I would give anything to celebrate Christmas with her face-to-face.
I would not necessarily just give in based on one conversation. Open the lines of communication "Mom, I was looking forward to your visit to DC. What changed your mind?" Then, really listen to her answer.
you know friend,, just visit her don't keep grudges with your mother. Even she lives in a hell she is your mother think like that. When we get old we will forget hard to keep promises, so take it easy. Just visit your mother for the new years eve and enjoy time with her. Life is short my dear don't waste a bit... Bless you and your family!
Absolutely this. People have such lame complaints about their family. My beloved grandmother died suddenly just this week. My mother passed away 12 years ago, and my father lives 8000 miles away, so I see him about once every four years. I would give my right arm to see any of them one more time, even if they lived in the fiery pits of hell. Suck it up and go visit your mother, OP. She and you will enjoy it. Life is short, and neither she nor you will be around forever. It really doesn't matter where she lives or who owes whom a visit. It's about spending time together.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I knew someone was going to try to guilt trip me with the "you'll miss her when she is gone" line. I think that I should have a right to expect her to understand the fact that I don't want to spend very rare time off in somewhere even she hates. I already had one parent who often thought it took too much effort to travel a few hours to see me. He's dead and he missed out on a lot of my life by his choice.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to spend Christmas with my mother, but I want some effort out of her.
No, you're not a total ahole for it. DC is fun during the holidays, and I wish my family had made an attempt to come see it instead of expecting me to travel to their various suburban hells through the years.
I would just say, "Mom, you were going to come here, remember? There is a lot to do here and I'd love to show you around, take you to the national Christmas tree, show you DC done up for the holidays. You'd love it."
I agree. You just visited her in July at her house and she promised to visit you next.
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Originally Posted by Stagemomma
I would not necessarily just give in based on one conversation. Open the lines of communication "Mom, I was looking forward to your visit to DC. What changed your mind?" Then, really listen to her answer.
Good point.
Maybe she is trying to guilt you into making the trip or maybe there is a legit reason (such as unexpected health problems).
I knew someone was going to try to guilt trip me with the "you'll miss her when she is gone" line. I think that I should have a right to expect her to understand the fact that I don't want to spend very rare time off in somewhere even she hates.
Since when is visiting your mother about a city? I think it's about visiting your mother. A city is an inanimate entity. It doesn't walk, talk, breathe, or think. It only controls your experience as much as you allow it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to spend Christmas with my mother, but I want some effort out of her.
Apparently you don't want to spend Christmas enough with her to go and visit her, do you? But then again, your status says,"I hate the holidays." So maybe it isn't about your mother or the city. Maybe it's about the holidays in general. I'm not trying to guilt trip you. It's totally your choice what you do and what you feel comfortable with. I'm just telling you my experiences. I miss my family. I would love to see them again, and if I had a chance, I would. But I don't. And I wouldn't care if they lived in the ugliest city in the universe.
I am a father, a grandfather, and a great grandfather. I can tell you that family on holidays is wonderful.
The thing that hurts, is since Memorial Day 2 of our 5 children left this earth. Knowing we will never see them for the holidays again, is a very hurtful thing.
Think about it, that this may be the last chance to spend the holidays with your mother, and the two you talk about it. Tell her what you can offer, if she comes to DC to visit you as she originally planned. Tell her you have been making those plans since you saw her this past summer, and how disappointed you will be if you can't go through with what you have planned. Make it as exciting as you can. See if this can get her to DC to be with you.
Oh give me a break! I'm sorry, but not all families have sweetness and light for relatives! Just because someone is a mother doesn't elevate them to saint status. And I'm including myself in that (as a daughter, mother, and grandmother).
All this "She's your mother - spend time with her" doesn't take into consideration that some mothers simply are not sweet and precious. Nor are they all old, sweet blue haired ladies. Some mothers are toxic. Some mothers are dysfunctional. Some mothers are manipulative.
I don't believe that being a mother means you get a " Get out of jail free" card. Children should respect their mothers - but mothers should also respect their children.
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