I don't know what to do?

[Bluesmama]

Originally Posted by PolarOpposite

I do realize that it is very unhealthy. I am clinging onto him because when I went through my break up, I constantly thought about my ex, and since I don't have many friends or a social life, I thought I would cling onto Tony because he is a person with a huge social life, and knows everyone, parties a lot too. So, when I went out with him, I had so much fun! I also didn't think about my ex or worry about my life. It was an awesome "get away" from my problems, I don't mean it like I am an addict lol. I mean Tony himself, was an awesome "get away" from my real problems because I am a lonely person with not much of a social life, so he fulfilled my life in that way. However, I am realizing how toxic and bad this relationship is, and I am falling for him, which is also bad. I just can't let go for some reason. I am afraid if I let go and cut him out, that I will be back to my lonely life, thinking about my problems, thinking about my ex, etc. I feel like I would lose "freedom" in a way. If you know what I mean? I think if another person came along that I can go out with, I probably wouldn't mind dropping Tony because I have somebody else to fall back on. I know it's a weird, and pathetic attitude to have, but I lived my life of loneliness for so long that I don't want to go back to that. I am so confused. Thank you for your input.

So you are using each other. He is using you for alcohol and transportation while you are using him for exposure to a social life. In a twisted way it sounds like a fair trade, but not a good one. It won't go anywhere except trouble, and hurt (and possibly even debt, at some point). Worst of all, you are developing feelings for him and setting yourself up for a disaster.

I know you are lonely, but you'll end up even lonelier before long with this guy. Best way to un-confuse yourself is to cut that co-dependent cord. Please!

[PolarOpposite]

Originally Posted by CraigCreek

Your definition of "fun" seems to be drunken "partying" with Tony and his circle.

How about broadening your horizons? Check out other activities - college campuses are usually overrunning with groups of various kinds - that don't focus on heavy drinking, but which have a purpose of some kind. You'll meet brighter, more mature, more focused and more interesting people and perhaps find new productive interests of your own.

I assume you know that alcohol kills brain cells. Your call, your brain - but I assume you plan to be using your brain for a good many years, so do think about what you're doing to it with regular, heavy drinking.

I've been around people who began drinking heavily when they were young and who still drink heavily many years later. They usually are not very interesting people, are less bright than their peers who never overindulged or who cleaned up their acts, and have notably shorter attention spans and a narrower range of interests. They're sort of dull, actually, and don't seem to have much to offer. Is this what you want for yourself or your friends?

You don't have to be mean to Tony, but quit driving him - or anyone else, or yourself - around when you've been drinking. You are a danger not only to yourself and your passengers when you do this, but also to everyone else on the road. Buying booze for underage drinkers is illegal - quit doing this, too.

You also sound depressed and as if you have low self-esteem. Consider talking with someone in your college's counseling department. Your life can be a lot more productive, and a lot more interesting than it seems to be at present, if you break this destructive pattern of "partying" each weekend.

Best wishes to you in making the needed changes and finding a better way.

Yes, I am trying to broaden my horizons at college. It's hard though because it's a community college. I have to stick it out there for another year until I go into a University. I want to dorm at a University, but I fear I would be too old lol, I would be like 22 or 23. Depends, but I fear I might be too old. I do want to have a huge social life, and a social circle, I know I can't depend on Tony for that, for the rest of my life. I am just depending on him now in my life because it's convenient. Lol, I don't get that drunk. I have 3 to 4 beers MAX. I am not the type that drives around drunk and what not. I buy alcohol, but then I go to a party, and I stay there until I am sober. I don't drink and drive, nor do I drink a lot in any way. I just like more of the social aspect of it, and the social life of it, more than the drinking. It's just a small perk. I am depressed. I have severe bad depression, low self esteem issues, trust issues, yeah....i'm a wreck. I do have a Psychologist, but i haven't been able to see her in 3 weeks because of insurance issues But I will be back to talk to her. I understand that drinking and partying is not the way of life. I just never had a teenhood or a great childhood where I was doing normal things. I was constantly alone, and had no friends. I felt like I was always an adult my whole life. I felt like I never went through the cycle of being child, a teenager, and now a young adult, I just felt like an adult since I was born. I feel like it's an opportunity for me right now to actually do normal things what young adults do. However, it's like I am paying a price because it's not healthy. He uses me, and probably whoever is dumb like me that comes along, he'll drop me in a heartbeat, and go with that that other person. I know that this isn't going to last forever. I know he's not truly my friend because no friend would do this. It's so difficult for me, but I understand what you are saying, and you are right. Thank you for the wishes, and your input. Have a good day!

[PolarOpposite]

Originally Posted by Bluesmama

So you are using each other. He is using you for alcohol and transportation while you are using him for exposure to a social life. In a twisted way it sounds like a fair trade, but not a good one. It won't go anywhere except trouble, and hurt (and possibly even debt, at some point). Worst of all, you are developing feelings for him and setting yourself up for a disaster.

I know you are lonely, but you'll end up even lonelier before long with this guy. Best way to un-confuse yourself is to cut that co-dependent cord. Please!

Yes, I do realize it's not heading in the right direction, nor is it going to last forever. I see that it is very unhealthy. You're right! We are both using each other because if someone else came along, and told me to hang out with them, I would drop Tony in a heartbeat, and hang out with the other person, and probably not think twice about it. I know that sounds cruel, but I think if he were a decent friend, I wouldn't think that at all about him. If he were a normal, decent friend, I wouldn't drop him at all. I just want something to fall back on though, and I think that is why I am not letting go at the moment. It's screwed up on both ends. I can see that. I can already tell that it started off good, but it's getting to the point now where it's like "Ugh, I don't know if I want to hang out with him." Or "This is boring." I feel like that at times when I am with him. I feel like it's all getting kinda boring in a way. Like I am just a chaueffeuer for him and his girlfriend now, and I think that is changing my attitude a lot. I don't know it's bizarre because I can't let go when I should. Thank you for the advice, and your input. You're right. I do have cut the co-dependency.

[PolarOpposite]

Originally Posted by IfICould

Also I would say that you seem too cool to need anything to "fall back on". I understand having a ready-made social life is fun when you didn't already have one, but you seem to have a lot going for you and would really benefit from and end up really proud of yourself for dumping this friendship and making your own friends and social life. This is about your worth. You can do it without him or your ex or any boyfriend. You can.

Thank you! I honestly am trying to make my own social life. It's hard for me though. I think that is why I grasped onto Tony because like you said it was a "ready-made" social life, and I thought "Hey! I don't have to put in any effort! This is easy!" So i really clung onto that because I am trying to make a social life of my own. I do know a lot of people, I just don't have friends, or when I try to hang out with these people, they blow me off or we hang out one time, and they end up doing something else, and not talk to me again. Or the ones that do want to hang out with me, are ones that I don't want to hang with because I don't get along with them. I don't want to put on a facade, and with some of these people that want to hang out with me are people that are very judge-mental, rude, and opinionated. I am a free-spirit. I just like laughing, having fun, and enjoying the finer things in life, I am not into politics, religion, insulting people, making fun of people, judging people, having an opinion, and a debate over every little thing etc. I am not into that kind of stuff, so I would rather not hang out with those people, yet for some odd reason those people want to do stuff with me, and I am thinking "Yeah hang out with you, so I can be ridiculed on every little thing I do? Or how I dress? Or what music I listen too? Or my free-spirited attitude? Uh yeah, I'd rather not." I've hung out with those people, so I am not judging them based off of no experience with them, I think they just like to hang out with me to ridicule me or something. So, as you can see I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel like Tony is the one that I can be myself around and I don't have to put on a fake facade, or act a certain way just so I won't be judged. But like I said, it is a very toxic relationship because he doesn't actually view me or like me as a friend. He just (I think) views me as a dumb girl, who is desperate, who is too nice and will pay for everything. It breaks me that I don't have enough balls to just say to him "I am not going to be your friend anymore." I can't let go because I have nobody else to fall back on and I don't want to go back to that depressed, lonely life that I have endured my whole life. It's difficult, but thank you for taking the time to read, write, and comment. I appreciate it.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by PolarOpposite

This guy I have been hanging out with is named Tony. I went through a break-up recently and Tony has helped me to get through it. I don't have much of a social life, and he provided that for me, by partying, and hanging out with different people. Which is what I wanted. I noticed Tony was acting very flirty with me, and complimenting me a lot, referred to me as his "girlfriend" to people. (this is a different guy, not the previous one that referred me as his girlfriend in my other post.) I went through a break up, so I wasn't ready, and plus I thought he was immature, so I rejected him. Now he acts very platonic with me, and says all the time that he "loves me like a sister" and that I am his "sister". I am feeling used by him though and this is where I want people's input.

He always asks me to hang out with him. When we party though, he makes me buy the alcohol. He is 19 years old, and I am 21 years old. But, I am starting to like him more than a friend, but I feel like he is using me because always says how he doesn't have food, and I will buy him food because I feel guilty. He is living with a friend because his parents won't allow him back into the house, and he doesn't have a job, when I keep encouraging that he gets one. Well, I just feel like a chauffeur to him. Now that he has a girlfriend he always wants to hang out on the weekends because he wants me to pick her up, and I told him "Look, I can pick her up, but I got to do something, I can't hang out." He was like "I just want it to be me, you, and Samantha." I said "I'll be third wheeling it anyways. So why don't you just hang with her?" He didn't want that.

He is always telling me how much he loves me and I am his best friend, his sister, etc. But he makes me feel like I am just a chauffeur for him and his girlfriend. Because I can buy alcohol, and I have a car. I don't know if it's my insecurities, or if I am correct that he is just a straight up user. He pisses me off because he said he wanted to get food, and I said "Sorry I don't got any money." He then moments later said "Samantha makes me so happy! Like I haven't been this happy since my last break up with Kelly." I got offended because since his break-up with Kelly, I have been hanging out with him, and helping him out, and I'm thinking "What? Don't I make you happy?" I don't know if he said it though because he didn't get what he wanted, or what. I kept telling him that I am willing to drop him off with his girlfriend, but that's not good enough for him, like he wants me to hang out with them. I don't understand why? I mean wouldn't they want to be alone? I don't know if it's because he truly enjoys my company or if it's something else? It bothers me though because I don't what to do? Should I confront him? Or cut him out cold turkey? Give me your opinion, input, and/or advice, please! If you need more details I can provide more. Thank you.

He is using you. What's even more pathetic is that you are partying with underage kids. Find some folks your own age that are legal.

[IfICould]

What I will repeat is: You can. <3