Should I respond to my estranged father? (jealous, girlfriend, person)

[Flavia84]

My father divorced my mother when I was 6.

While they were married, he was cheating on her and also beat her up.

Since he left, he was always too busy for me. He would visit me about once in 2 weeks and I felt like it was just to get it over with.

I missed him like crazy and was crying when he said he'd come visit and never showed up. I'd call and he wouldn't pick up the phone or just say "do you need money again? How much?" He would give my mom a small amount of money every month, which allowed her to survive and I am thankful for that.

When I grew up, he bought me my first car and paid 10K for college. He said he's doing it so that I can make money and he can retire early. He would invite me over to his house because "he needed help with his work" (I would translate documents for him). He wouldn't invite me just because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't do well in college because of a lot of things going on at home, suffering from a depression. He then told me that he was disappointed in me (when I needed him the most during the most difficult time in my life)

Once he was telling me how he is stressed out about his job because he has "two kids to feed". Well, the two kids were from his second marriage, so I guess he didn't even count me as his kid...

I stopped calling him two years ago when I realized that he wasn't really a father to me. My mom and grandparents raised me.

Now that I am doing much better in all aspects of life he is trying to get in touch now and I don't know what I should do. He was never there for me emotionally but at the same token he did buy a car and paid for school. What should I do? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt? Ingore him? Tell him all about himself? Repay the money?

[Gfab1]

What do you want to do? I don't think that the feeling that you "owe" him for the money he spent on you should make you reconcile with him if you wouldn't otherwise. If you want to pay him back so you feel like you can cut ties without feeling indebted to him, then pay him back. Then again, if the car and college money were given as a gift, you don't owe him anything. I don't think I'd want anything to do with a father like him, but you should do what you think is best in this situation.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by Flavia84

My father divorced my mother when I was 6.

While they were married, he was cheating on her and also beat her up.

Since he left, he was always too busy for me. He would visit me about once in 2 weeks and I felt like it was just to get it over with.

I missed him like crazy and was crying when he said he'd come visit and never showed up. I'd call and he wouldn't pick up the phone or just say "do you need money again? How much?" He would give my mom a small amount of money every month, which allowed her to survive and I am thankful for that.

When I grew up, he bought me my first car and paid 10K for college. He said he's doing it so that I can make money and he can retire early. He would invite me over to his house because "he needed help with his work" (I would translate documents for him). He wouldn't invite me just because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't do well in college because of a lot of things going on at home, suffering from a depression. He then told me that he was disappointed in me (when I needed him the most during the most difficult time in my life)

Once he was telling me how he is stressed out about his job because he has "two kids to feed". Well, the two kids were from his second marriage, so I guess he didn't even count me as his kid...

I stopped calling him two years ago when I realized that he wasn't really a father to me. My mom and grandparents raised me.

Now that I am doing much better in all aspects of life he is trying to get in touch now and I don't know what I should do. He was never there for me emotionally but at the same token he did buy a car and paid for school. What should I do? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt? Ingore him? Tell him all about himself? Repay the money?

No one but you can make this decision because you are the only one who knows your true feelings about this man and what his actions have done to you.
Take all the time you need to make the decision but do not allow anyone else to influence you, it is all your own choice.

[historyfan]

You should do what is best for you. I can not see how you owe him a dime. I would limit exposure to him. It does not sound like being around him is a positive experience for you.

[Tia 914]

Originally Posted by Flavia84

My father divorced my mother when I was 6.

While they were married, he was cheating on her and also beat her up.

Since he left, he was always too busy for me. He would visit me about once in 2 weeks and I felt like it was just to get it over with.

I missed him like crazy and was crying when he said he'd come visit and never showed up. I'd call and he wouldn't pick up the phone or just say "do you need money again? How much?" He would give my mom a small amount of money every month, which allowed her to survive and I am thankful for that.

When I grew up, he bought me my first car and paid 10K for college. He said he's doing it so that I can make money and he can retire early. He would invite me over to his house because "he needed help with his work" (I would translate documents for him). He wouldn't invite me just because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't do well in college because of a lot of things going on at home, suffering from a depression. He then told me that he was disappointed in me (when I needed him the most during the most difficult time in my life)

Once he was telling me how he is stressed out about his job because he has "two kids to feed". Well, the two kids were from his second marriage, so I guess he didn't even count me as his kid...

I stopped calling him two years ago when I realized that he wasn't really a father to me. My mom and grandparents raised me.

Now that I am doing much better in all aspects of life he is trying to get in touch now and I don't know what I should do. He was never there for me emotionally but at the same token he did buy a car and paid for school. What should I do? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt? Ingore him? Tell him all about himself? Repay the money?

I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, it's your own decision, but if I were in your position I'd have the same opinion as I've had with numerous other people who had similar situations:
I think if a parent 'chooses' to be 'absent,' they should do everybody a favor and stay absent. And the lousy way he treated your mother makes it more so.
I've seen too many young adults and even teenagers hurt, and confused like you are, by absent parents who pop in out of nowhere and claim "but I want to be part of your life now." And it included individuals who even tried bribing their kids to try to get back into their lives.

If I were you, I'd offer to repay him- when it's convenient for you- but I believe parents who choose to leave their kids don't deserve another chance years later.

[photobuff42]

He hit your mom. You don't owe him anything.

[Lyndarn]

Originally Posted by Flavia84

My father divorced my mother when I was 6.

While they were married, he was cheating on her and also beat her up.

Since he left, he was always too busy for me. He would visit me about once in 2 weeks and I felt like it was just to get it over with.

I missed him like crazy and was crying when he said he'd come visit and never showed up. I'd call and he wouldn't pick up the phone or just say "do you need money again? How much?" He would give my mom a small amount of money every month, which allowed her to survive and I am thankful for that.

When I grew up, he bought me my first car and paid 10K for college. He said he's doing it so that I can make money and he can retire early. He would invite me over to his house because "he needed help with his work" (I would translate documents for him). He wouldn't invite me just because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't do well in college because of a lot of things going on at home, suffering from a depression. He then told me that he was disappointed in me (when I needed him the most during the most difficult time in my life)

Once he was telling me how he is stressed out about his job because he has "two kids to feed". Well, the two kids were from his second marriage, so I guess he didn't even count me as his kid...

I stopped calling him two years ago when I realized that he wasn't really a father to me. My mom and grandparents raised me.

Now that I am doing much better in all aspects of life he is trying to get in touch now and I don't know what I should do. He was never there for me emotionally but at the same token he did buy a car and paid for school. What should I do? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt? Ingore him? Tell him all about himself? Repay the money?

It always will come down to your comfort zone..however it appears you fear he only wants something like money from you..Just a possibility..He could be facing his own person problems..like health issue and wants to bury the hatchet as the saying goes....

IF you fear he wants money..best be reassured..he cant't get it from you legally speaking....So maybe put that aside until you understand his reasoning for reaching out to you....No one lives forever..and often when facing time of reckoning ..people want to deal with things they had in the past buried...

Are you able to allow this IF that be the case?? These are all the questions you need to ask yourself ..Best of luck..no one wants to live with regrets much less die with regrets...Soul Searching should be on the agenda in order to make the decision here..Good Luck and Best Wishes!!

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

Originally Posted by Flavia84

I stopped calling him two years ago when I realized that he wasn't really a father to me. My mom and grandparents raised me.

Now that I am doing much better in all aspects of life he is trying to get in touch now and I don't know what I should do. He was never there for me emotionally but at the same token he did buy a car and paid for school. What should I do? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt? Ingore him? Tell him all about himself? Repay the money?

You would benefit from talking this over with a good counselor.

Money aside, what communication would you like to have with your father? Share a meal every so often? Phone call once or twice a year? No contact at all?

Figure out what, if anything, you want from him. The train has left the station on the loving nurturing father business. So what else is left.

I find it so odd that men who all but abandoned their kids when they were young, suddenly want to develop a relationship with their adult kids. Why bother?

[Eazine]

If you get in contact with him realize that he will never be te father you want him to be and most likely he's reaching out to settle is own conscience. He has other kids who he might care for more and if not them then someday he'll have a girlfriend. So be prepared to face and accept your own feelings of resentment and jealousy.

If it wasn't a loan don't pay him back. I'd consider a consolation gift for getting stuck with a chitty deadbeat dad. If he asks about the money back, then you'll know why he really reached out.

[woxyroxme]

If he is truly remorseful over what he put you through in life that would be one thing, but if he needs a favor then maybe you should write him off as a deadbeat, it all depends on his motives.