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I wanted to say that people do change. I know I have (since having kids), but most people just aren't going to believe it. Even if you bend yourself into a pretzel.
Here's the scoop -- and being very blunt -- women talk. It's very possible that your fiancee actually has said things to her sister in anger. The problem w/ doing that is that your fiancee and you "make up," but the sister doesn't forget. It would probably help hugely over the coming years if you ask your fiancee not to take your couple's problems to her sister.
Try to see things from the sister's point of view. She may have heard some things that she can't erase from her mind.
You know how your fiancee is acting like she doesn't have a clue about what's going on? That's a red flag. Sisters generally know what's going on with each other. And then she tells you to reach out to her sister? But her sister calls and says it's weird that you're talking to her?
I think talking to your fiancee is more important than talking to her sister. And the first thing I'd do is to say: we need to talk to each other or a therapist, please don't go to your family members and discuss our relationship.
But no matter what goes down: the sister is being rude. Even when I'm around someone who isn't my cup of tea, I'm polite and thoughtful. Not making eye contact? Not making small talk? Really rude behavior. (Having been married for 15 years with a difficult sister in law, I would assume that this situation won't change.)
Alley
Really, his wife to be should not be allowed to confide in HER sister if she wants to? The sister she grew up with, who she more than likely has confided in for years.
All because her boyfriend might get his feelings hurt?
If I had a sister and anyone, including boyfriends and husbands "Told" me I could not confide in whoever I wanted to, especially a sister I loved, they, their crap and their controlling bull hockey piles of puck would be in the street so fast and I would be done.
I cannot even fathom not going to one's family for comfort and support, no human on this planet worth giving up family for.
Really, his wife to be should not be allowed to confide in HER sister if she wants to? The sister she grew up with, who she more than likely has confided in for years.
All because her boyfriend might get his feelings hurt?
If I had a sister and anyone, including boyfriends and husbands "Told" me I could not confide in whoever I wanted to, especially a sister I loved, they, their crap and their controlling bull hockey piles of puck would be in the street so fast and I would be done.
I cannot even fathom not going to one's family for comfort and support, no human on this planet worth giving up family for.
I get what that poster is saying, a lot of people do need to be mindful about when they complain about someone, because they don't usually think about how it would affect them in the long run. It could very well be that the sister can't look beyond the complaints about him, but we don't know if that what's going on. It does seem strange that 2 sisters that apparently are in communication wouldn't ever talk about their S/O.
OP, when you say you're a very direct person, that's kind of code for "I can be a dick." The fact that the sister has complained that you are a complainer and argumentative kind of supports this.
Look, this is how I view my significant other's family when I am in a relationship: They don't signify. Now that doesn't mean I'm rude to them or ignore them or anything like that - they simply don't have any more significance to me than a stranger outside of the context of my relationship with my SO. What it means is I am polite, warm, positive, upbeat and attentive when I interact with them, like when I worked at a bookstore and dealt with the public. My relationship is with my SO, not their family. I do not criticize, complain or say anything negative UNLESS they make a verbal attack on my SO. In that case, I will respond politely and firmly in a way that lets them know they are crossing a line. When my one ex's mother was running him down in a particularly brutal way, I merely maintained eye contact with her and quite visibly placed my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. She got the message and came to a stuttering halt pretty quickly.
Now, if they are functional people, eventually I will engage with them more fully and let them closer over time, but I'm not going to create conflict in my relationship over people who are only relevant to me because of the importance I place on my partner. I do not burn any bridges, and dealing with them is the price of admission for dating my SO. But by the same extension, I will not tolerate undue rudeness from my SO's family and I wouldn't be with someone who would expect me to. If I'm polite and cheerful, what's the worst they can say? That I'm boring? My SO would know that isn't true.
When I'm visiting with my SO's family, it is not about me. My job is to be sunshine and light until the visit is over. And that's what my exes have done in return for me when they've met my family.
I have friends. I don't need my SO's family to be my friends. I just need to maintain civility, respect and open lines of communication. When they voice opinions I don't agree with I merely say things like "I hadn't thought of it that way." Or "wow, that's interesting." And basically refuse to engage in debate. I will not be a source of drama in my SO's life. I don't hide who I am, but I don't feel compelled to express myself to people who may or may not be in my life for a long time.
You didn't hold back when you met your fiancee's family. One of them doesn't like you now. That's really her problem, but you kinda did it to yourself, it sounds like. Confronting her is a bad idea because you'll basically confirm everything she thinks about you and makes you look really insecure. Look, you seem to take pride in being a "direct" person - well, with that territory comes the fact that everyone isn't gonna love that kind of personality. You gotta accept that.
I don't like my GF's family. I just don't speak to them and I do everything I can to avoid them. In fact her family has a nickname for me which I never knew until recently as they only said it amongst themselves. Fantasma
Moral of the story? Nobody has to like you. Go to a university and get an engineering degree. When you get it then build a bridge and get over it.
Last edited by Yellow Jacket; 03-25-2015 at 12:43 AM..
Reason: Spacing
You had no use for her before now, ignored her or were argumentative with her since you met her and now that you're going to be part of the family you believe she should unlearn everything about you that you've taught her from the beginning? Seriously? And you're trying to lay it on her?
One of the best things my mother has ever told me is that sometimes people won't like you, and just let it go. There doesn't have to be a reason, and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You can't fix it, and you shouldn't let it bother you. It is hard to feel that someone has misjudged you or not given you a chance, but it is on her not you. Just be pleasant and move on when she is around.
Here's how you fix it. You be the sweetheart that you are and ignore the signals she gives you. Pretend you don't even care. You are you and your hubby-to-be loves you.
And if I read all 6 pages of this thread I won't find a shred of justification for her negative feelings.
You can't force everyone in the world to like you. No matter how wonderful a person you are, there will always be people who won't like you...it's just the way it is....and maybe you brought this on yourself a little bit, because you like to complain and argue (or maybe you are just being direct, like you say - but this can also be code for I can be a totally rude A/H). It sounds as if she is at least trying to be civil.
You had no use for her before now, ignored her or were argumentative with her since you met her and now that you're going to be part of the family you believe she should unlearn everything about you that you've taught her from the beginning? Seriously? And you're trying to lay it on her?
Why do you care ?? You are seeing her Sister, not her. My ex In-Laws didn't really care for me much during the 28 years I was married to their Daughter, but it was no skin off of my teeth. I just acted friendly and let it go at that. Not everyone in your family circle has to love each other, just the ones that count.
You can only control yourself, not other people's actions and thoughts. Just do what she does, pretend she doesn't exist !
Don
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