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Last year I wrote a thread concerning my family's disapproval of my partner on racial grounds. I'm White South African and he's Black British. We met at an English university. Here is the link for the original thread. I feel like I'm going to lose my family This is an update for those that asked to be kept in the loop, or those that may wish to learn of it. I haven't been active much on here due to a few things - most of all it being my final year of uni and the workload has just been absolutely ridiculous. I feel like tearing my head off. I never want to read another academic book after I graduate. Educational woes aside, a lot of things have changed. My parents got divorced late last year. They had been an unhappy couple for quite some time and although I suspected some tension and bad blood between them, I didn't think their relationship was the lost cause it turned out to be. When my dad found out about my boyfriend, he basically stopped talking to me unless it concerned necessary, trivial small-talk. My brother also wasn't happy and followed my dad's example. My mother was the one, despite her old prejudices remaining, who was the most tolerant in the family. She visited me in England last month and met my partner. She adores him. I'm not naive enough to think she has immediately discarded her old racial prejudices, but the fact that she's firmly on my side means a lot. My brother has also somewhat acquiesced in his own way. My father, however, remains adamant on his stance. He still sees my brother and constantly speaks to him, but refuses to have any contact with me whatsoever. I must admit it hurts - despite his objectionable views on race, he's still my dad and nothing will ever change that. But at the same time, I realise it's my life. And I've decided that I'm not going to sacrifice the love I have for my partner in order to appease my dad. I plan to move in with my boyfriend after we both finish school. I plan on staying in England. He's already got a job waiting for him and I've currently got a couple of interviews lined up. Things are looking more positive for me than they did a year ago.
Last edited by aperture priority; 03-24-2015 at 10:59 AM..
Glad things are straightening out. I hope it continues.
Methinks what you're seeing from your dad in terms of behavior is part of the reason your mother is no longer with him. But if he refuses to meet you even halfway, there's really nothing you can do about it.
Look, I had to cut some very beloved family members out of my life because they just proved to be people I could not trust or rely on in an emotional sense. They are very dysfunctional people, but the fact that I have distanced myself does not mean I don't love them. I do. They remain very dear to me, and when I hear that they are continuing to make bad choices, it freaking tears me up. But I know if I find a way to have them in my life, I inevitably will be sucked into their drama and dysfunction. I really try to fill my life with functional and grounded people these days, and even if cutting those relatives out of my life still sometimes feels like an amputation, I am happier for it.
You can let yourself make that choice too. If your dad reaches out to you, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But you don't need to look for his approval or acceptance if his rejection is painful to you. You CAN let yourself move on and leave the next step up to him.
Also wanted to add that I have a lot of respect for you and the direction you're taking in life. And I also had my parents divorce as I was nearing the end of my college years. It's a lot of stress and upheaval at a time that is already stressful and ... upheaved? In any case, you've got all my empathy and best wishes.
Glad things are straightening out. I hope it continues.
Methinks what you're seeing from your dad in terms of behavior is part of the reason your mother is no longer with him. But if he refuses to meet you even halfway, there's really nothing you can do about it.
Look, I had to cut some very beloved family members out of my life because they just proved to be people I could not trust or rely on in an emotional sense. They are very dysfunctional people, but the fact that I have distanced myself does not mean I don't love them. I do. They remain very dear to me, and when I hear that they are continuing to make bad choices, it freaking tears me up. But I know if I find a way to have them in my life, I inevitably will be sucked into their drama and dysfunction. I really try to fill my life with functional and grounded people these days, and even if cutting those relatives out of my life still sometimes feels like an amputation, I am happier for it.
You can let yourself make that choice too. If your dad reaches out to you, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But you don't need to look for his approval or acceptance if his rejection is painful to you. You CAN let yourself move on and leave the next step up to him.
Also wanted to add that I have a lot of respect for you and the direction you're taking in life. And I also had my parents divorce as I was nearing the end of my college years. It's a lot of stress and upheaval at a time that is already stressful and ... upheaved? In any case, you've got all my empathy and best wishes.
I can understand what you mean about cutting out dysfunctional family members. Like you say, it is not easy, but you are happier for it. Poisonous atmospheres have a way of bringing someone down. And thanks for the well wishes. Much appreciated.
Ya know, I am happy to hear your mom MET your significant other and learned to like him!!! We are two white people, with a house full of adopted Asian kids, and grandbabies the colors of the rainbow thanks to who our kiddos decided to marry (black, Mexican, white). I can honestly tell you we raised our kids telling them "I don't care if he is green and has 3 arms, if he makes you happy and RESPECTS you, we are thrilled to have him as a son in law"! Our little UN family has mostly made it, the only one that didn't (unfortunately, trust me we would give anything if they could come to terms and realize they were GOOD for each other), is the white son in law. They ended up divorcing vs working things out.... Sad, because they were a good blend with our daughter being so "laid back" and him being so OCD. Ying/Yang often work out well....at least we did!
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Sad, because they were a good blend with our daughter being so "laid back" and him being so OCD. Ying/Yang often work out well....at least we did!
