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I'm sure there may be similar threads to this one because I know that my situation is not unique. But I'm writing this thread anyway because my circumstances may dictate different advice than most other similar posts.
Where to begin: I am a 30somthing young man, whose never been in a serious romantic relationship. I come from a family that over the past 300 years has had to suffer three rounds of cultural imperialism. This has left me with a large degree of social distance between what would be traditional cultural and ethnic circles. Basically I have had to adopt the culture of an ethnic group whose own bigotry prevents them from forming anything other than superficial acquaintances with me. And whose value systems have alienated me from my own ethnic group.[Essentially I am the proverbial goat that clucks like a chicken!]
I have, over the past 23 years, lived in 11 different cities in 4 different countries (as I write this I am preparing for city number 12) and going to high-school, college and then to graduate school in different countries has meant not being able to stay in the lives of people who were at one time my social peers. Then trying to build a successful career in a highly competitive field has meant both frequent relocations and to working environments where relationships are often manipulative than meaningful.
I try to be a good person (the usual "the only way to have a good friend") to others but all to often I am met by suspicions of selfish ulterior motives. Maybe our society has become so sex-obsessed that in the past three months both a guy and a girl who I've tried to connect with have assumed my attention flirtatious!
I have carried around this sense of loneliness for sometime already. The usual remedies don't seem to work. (1) Working on myself. I have adopted a meaningful spiritual path that has taught me quite a bit about being comfortable with myself, the meditation and self-realisation processes have helped me to grow as a person. But that very growth has alienated me from people who are "of the world". Add to this that meaningful spiritual progress has meant becoming a vegetarian, a teetotaller, and chaste, even further alienates me from traditional club/bar environments. Although I have no problem with socialising with people who don't share these values, the fact that I have them regularly makes them uncomfortable around me. I think this says more about their self-perception than mine.
(2) Finding hobbies to share. This is difficult given that in different parts of the world/countries different hobbies are in fashion. You take up white river rafting only to move to a place where rock climbing is "big" and then on to a place where motor car racing is what's popular. The only constant is that I spend at least an hour a day in the Virgin Active (thanks to Richard Branson there seems to be a gym with about the same facilities all over the world) but making friends there is difficult - most people are time constrained and there is undoubtedly a certain amount of self-centeredness associated with that environment.
(3) Psychotherapy: Often this seems like just "rent-a-friend" and while I'm glad to have this resource the only thing that has come out of it is the understanding of why I have "disorganised-attachment". Of course that anti-depressants are so readily available makes this avenue both valuable and dangerous at the same time.
(4) Loving myself: Undoubtedly good advice that has lead to me actually spoiling myself all-to-often. I generally buy at least one Italian suite and a piece of jewellery each month and I know that my fine fragrance collection is well stocked. However, the success that my career has brought me has brought with it too many fair-weather friends.
(5) Volunteer causes: Also a good idea at first, but to someone who has seen as much of the world as I have the fickleness of those involved in such movements has lead to much disillusionment. I find it difficult to become passionate about causes I know others don't really make deep enough commitments to.
(6) Online Dating: Again the hook-up culture frightens people away from making friends with people who relocate too often. In their attempt to "guard their hearts" most people are afraid to make themselves vulnerable to someone with as risky(?) a background as I have, particularly when they are afraid "meaningful friendship" is simply code for casual hook-ups/friends-with-benefits arrangements. Sites like MeetUp.Com cater to (if not completely composed of) people who don't have friends but who desperately want them. So doing the maths, the odds look good but too often the goods look odd. And I know that statement sounds elitist, so don't accuse me of subconsciously being one.
Perhaps in this post I am just lamenting life. "Life is suffering and suffering life" the Buddha reminds us!
This might be better suited from the Non-romantic Relationship forum. Mod comment: Thread has been moved.
Moving around so much is brutal on your social network. I've only relocated a couple times between two metropolitan areas and I can attest to how hampering this can be.
I currently live in a very transient metro area. I was just talking to my friend about this earlier. I left this place about two years ago to return "home". After having been away for about six years, I had almost no network and it was brutal being back there. I was so bored and miserable and it was difficult to make friends in that area. I ended up coming back here last January for a job opportunity. When I came back, most of my network had dissolved and moved on. Essentially, I was right back where I started when I went "home". Fortunately, this city is much easier to meet new people, because new people are always coming here it seems. At the same time, they seem to only last a few years or so before they move on to the next thing.
I think it's more of a sign of the times. With the job market being so dynamic anymore, the Millennial generation may find it difficult to really plant roots in one particular spot. They always seem to have go be on the move in order to find that next big opportunity.
If someone I had just met was talking about leaving in the very near future (< 1yr), I would be extremely hesitant to build any sort of relationship with them, romantic or non-romantic. It's too emotionally draining and frustrating.
Try joining a spiritual community in your tradition, if only for the fellowship. You're not missing much by excluding yourself from the bar/club scene. It's a false belief that this is needed in order to make friends or meet people of the opposite sex. You might be surprised at how many people there are who share your values. The trick is in finding them.
The West is full of superficial people. But it's also full of deeper people. Maybe due to your constant moving while growing up, you missed out on some bonding skills? You sound like a great person. Though it also sounds like you're compensating for your loneliness by building a suit and jewelry collection.
You sound very dramatic. Lighten up a little, go out and find people to talk to.
Take some classes where you can mingle.
Join meetup.com
Get a hobby where you meet people.
I did it, it worked. Takes maybe up to a year to find good people, but it's worth it.
Traveling between 3 cities is no biggie nowadays. I still have all my friends in Germany (moved to the US in 2006), still have all my friends in VA and now have new ones in CA. It's all doable with social media, emails, texts, phones.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Moving around can actually help. You learn to make new friends fast. I've lived seven states and more than that number of cities among them. I have friends now in 5 of those states (and more, because people radiate).
If you're into music, getting involved with the scene helps a ton. Many of the best friendships I've ever made are due to my involvement with music, and when I move someplace new I just look for the local shows, go, and take it from there. That works well in your 20s, obviously, but also really well in your 30s.
You sound very dramatic. Lighten up a little, go out and find people to talk to.
Take some classes where you can mingle.
Join meetup.com
Get a hobby where you meet people.
I did it, it worked. Takes maybe up to a year to find good people, but it's worth it.
Traveling between 3 cities is no biggie nowadays. I still have all my friends in Germany (moved to the US in 2006), still have all my friends in VA and now have new ones in CA. It's all doable with social media, emails, texts, phones.
Came here to say this but I'm at work and couldn't post fast enough. I've moved around a bit since my 20s and have made close friendships with people in every city. Cell phones and social media make it so easy to keep in contact these days. The best part is, when your friends move and you always have a place to stay if needed (or friends to visit, I don't impose like that) in Hawaii, on the west coast, etc.
Moving around can actually help. You learn to make new friends fast. I've lived seven states and more than that number of cities among them. I have friends now in 5 of those states (and more, because people radiate).
If you're into music, getting involved with the scene helps a ton. Many of the best friendships I've ever made are due to my involvement with music, and when I move someplace new I just look for the local shows, go, and take it from there. That works well in your 20s, obviously, but also really well in your 30s.
I am on a Spiritual Path under the guidance of a Spiritual Master. However Master strongly discourages us from socialising with each other. We try our very best to resist any actions that could change us from a spiritual path to a religion, that unfortunately means very little socialising. I think I agree with the sentiment, after all it has been community which has turned all spirituality including that which the Master Jesus taught to religion.
Yup I know that finding those with the same values is tricky, I was hoping that someone on this forum could suggest something I haven't yet tried.
Of course as a person on a spiritual path I know that material things (clothing/jewellery) can't compensate but I work very hard and sometimes just want to feel all the sacrifices are worth it. That feeling doesn't last too long...
A few years ago I made the conscious decision to stop using Facebook, many times people may say things that are hurtful without intending to/that which they wouldn't say to someone directly.
But there's no substitute for face-to-face communication, we just can't keep up with each other's lives by other means.
Are they friends or Kind of Friends?/Situational Friends?
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