Would sitting down with relative and asking them to be friendly work? (house, wife)
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He should not be allowed to be a bully and someone needs to put him in his place. I think I am going to make a scene next time. It could not get any worse. (I asked my wife if that would be Ok and she said yes, and thought it would be really interesting.
If I were going to make a scene what is the best approach?
Make fun of his grunts and silence in front of everyone
Ask in point blank in front of everyone why he won't talk
Demand in uncertain terms that he be more polite
Talk about him in front of the women like he is not there.
This is strange to me on your part. Maybe he's just a quiet guy, or shy with no social skills.
I have an uncle (he married into the family) who acts like this guy and never talks to anyone. I swear he has sat in front of the tv watching sports at every family get together in the last 30 years. Everyone just says hi, smiles and lets him do his own thing. It's just who he is.
Sure he's kinda weird, but I don't see how making a scene and attacking him is going to accomplish anything at all?
I would either talk to the other women at the parties, or don't go if you feel like you need "guy time" that he can't fulfill for you.
You guys don't get it. Dave, the unfriendly and cold family member, is not some clerk at Walmart who treats you rudely, that you will never see again. He is family and can't be ignored. I see him at least once every two weeks and family dynamics indicate that I will be seeing him hundreds of times between now and my death. He is the only other man in the room. He visits my home on a regular basis. I can't avoid him!
FYI: He is even worse when he visits my home. The nerve of the man! It's my home!
Last edited by Hard Luck; 07-10-2015 at 05:55 AM..
You guys don't get it. Dave, the unfriendly and cold family member, is not some clerk at Walmart who treats you rudely, that you will never see again. He is family and can't be ignored. I see him at least once every two weeks and family dynamics indicate that I will be seeing him hundreds of times between now and my death. He is the only other man in the room. He visits my home on a regular basis. I can't avoid him!
Ok, I'll bite.
OP, how does he act when he visits at your home? Is he rude and silent there, too?
Maybe your wife could ask his wife (her sister?) what some of his interests are, and you could try starting a conversation with him about one or more of them?
Here's your answer: Get a divorce. You married this woman never knowing that her family was like this? Did you never see/hear/interact with Dave before the wedding? Did he talk to you at the wedding? Why are you in such awe of Dave? Are you even old enough to be married?
Get a divorce. You'll never have to see the ex's family again. Before you marry the next wife, please take time to get to know her people so you don't get hit with the same situation.
All of the suggestions here have been reasonable and rational ways to deal with Dave. You have rejected them by coming up with a new wrinkle every time you post. First it was "going to her sister's", then it was, "the women don't want to talk to me" then it was "Dave is some big shot Rico Suave" then it was "I have to see him at my house".
Yes, in a perfect world, Dave and the rest of the family could be dead to me and I would never see them, but my wife insists that I come along because it is expected.
Familiar situation to what other posters have experienced. Good. I won't feel so alone.
You need to stand up to your wife. "It is expected" is ridiculous in this case. It only means "You are expected to put up with all their BS so they can look down on you."
First off just don't go. You will have to tell your wife that you are not going to a place where you are not welcomed except for a very few obligatory holiday gatherings. Second on those inevitable holidays, take enough work, reading, music, your computer to homes that are not yours and be distant yet polite when needed to be the host.
There is no way to fix this either by having a heart to heart conversation (perish the thought) or a childish confrontation. (OMG!!!) The confrontation will establish you as the horse's buttoot that they/he suspect that you are, the heart to heart only works with people willing to try which he clearly is not. You are stuck between the rock and the hard place. Be absent from and when occasion dictates, above the fray.
I am dragged to my new wife's sister's house on a regular basis to socialize. I am the only man in the group while at my wife's sister's house except for Dave, my wife's sister's husband. Logic would have it that Dave would realize it would be to his advantage to be friendly and nice to me because we are going to be thrown together in family events from now on. You can't force chemistry or common interests, but polite people can make nice. And try to exchange pleasant conversation the best we can.
I have tried to be friendly and nice to Dave but he hardly gives me more than a grunt. If you were in Dave's shoe's and had decided that you had nothing in common with me and did not enjoy my company but I came to you and asked for your friendship for family harmony, how would you reply?
I know some people like dave but they're just major prickz and only do well among other prickz. It's in dave's nature and there's no changing it.
I'm different though I can get along with anybody, if I absolutely have to. I have lots of interests and keep an open mind so it's easier for me to find common ground with others.
Stop being dragged to his house. Its obviously a huge issue to you, Dave wants nothing to do with you, or probably all the other people in the house. So stop going. Go to your friends and visit when your wife goes. Or go do something else. Or just stay home.
Dave is not your friend. He's barely a relative. So stop going.
Do you enjoy when they all converge on your house? If not, leave. Let you wife have her little family get together (every 2 weeks? really??). If you dont mind, then just enjoy them. Ignore Dave.
Why the approval seeking or expectation and entertainment by Dave?
Could have nothing to do with common interests,
Dave's might just be an unsociable guy, he might be a passive aggressive personality type. He may even disaprove of his wifes get togethers.
The guy sounds like an @ss.
Why the approval seeking or expectation and entertainment by Dave?
Could have nothing to do with common interests,
Dave's might just be an unsociable guy, he might be a passive aggressive personality type. He may even disaprove of his wifes get togethers.
The guy sounds like an @ss.
You are right, I should not attend, but marriage is a set of compromises and I have agreed to compromise and attend these family events, because it is very important to my wife, and Dave is always there and he is the only other man to talk to.
To me, he is being a bully for refusing to be polite.
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