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I'll agree with all of you who said I was thinking of myself and not the woman with the cane when I left. At that point, I had nothing left to give. Because I drain easily from social interactions, I shouldn't have let the lunch go for 90 minutes. Ironically, I did it so as not to insult them and make it look like I was enjoying myself enough to stay. Probably I should have stopped it at 60 when no one else was going to make a move to end it and walk them out.
But---I still will never understand her (over)reaction. It wasn't like I asked them to go for a walk and then left them behind. We accomplished what we set out to do. We had lunch together. I thought we were getting together with fellow vegetarians---when I found out we weren't because they either are dishonest or more likely, just have a skewed, self-serving understanding of what vegetarians are, I did not walk out in a huff and would not have sent her a nasty e-mail about it.
I don't understand why two extra minutes were so important when we had shared 90 together. To focus on what she didn't get (the walk to the door/parking lot) versus that I was open to meeting them and giving 90 undivided minutes to lunch to me is kind of crazy. I'd have no friends if I sent them e-mails every time they didn't live up to my expectations and were rude. You have to look at the overall picture.
Last week we got together with friends who we hadn't seen for a while. She kept playing on her phone. Talk about rude! But I didn't send her an e-mail about it. I just won't be in a hurry to see them any time soon (it works best when they initiate getting together anyway, due to their schedules).
If you drain easily from social interactions why on earth do you pursue Meetup?
I tried it and I found many people to be lacking in basic social skills, and these were people over 40(if you don't have social skills by than you're not going to). I later found out that many who suffer from social anxiety or are socially inept are encouraged by their doctors to try Meetup. I can see that.
I'm sure there are some great groups, but I really think it is more miss than hit. I consider myself a somewhat social person and being Irish don't have the problem of not making conversation. But my experience was these groups attract those who don't have that ability. At this stage in the game I realized stick with the friends you have and whose company you enjoy.
It sounds like you have friends, are of a certain age, if you are somewhat of an introvert and get easily drained(and that's fine), I don't get why you would bother with Meetup?
I guess I don't understand if you find this to be a drain why not just stick with a few people that you know well and whose company you enjoy?
Bingo, Seain! I have come to that conclusion! I thought it was good to push myself outside my comfort zone. Not working or going to church, it was a good way to meet people (I haven't found a volunteer gig that appeals). All the articles on mental health talk about how important social connections are, so I thought I would use any tool available to develop these, but when it results in so much frustration, can't see how it is increasing mental health. And it can be something like Facebook in that you look and see people doing all this stuff that you aren't-----and start questioning yourself as to why you are such a homebody---why bars, dances, loud restaurants aren't fun for me, etc.
As you said, I will treasure the friends who really don't drain me and continue to value my own company. Maybe it was a big ego trip to think that I could like or at least get along with lots of different people of all types. I'm definitely over that now! It's enough to have the x amount of quality friends I have---although if you read studies about most friendships having life spans of about 7 years or so, it IS good to add new friends to the mix so you have enough of base when other friendships that you thought would last forever don't...
I would have an issue with her sending an email. She reached out to you in a friendly manner not a meet up situation. This in mind she should have called you and spoke to you if it really bothered her. However, this is the beginning of a what could have been a friendship and usually people don't show their crazies this early in a friendship. Bullet dodged!
We always walk out with those we walked in with or met at the restaurant no matter how slow they may walk.
My Mother is handicapped and has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and uses a cane even though one cannot physically see her handicap and no one has ever left her behind in a restaurant, church or anywhere else they have been with her.
The issue is yours and your wife's because you were very rude and inconsiderate and those you left behind have no psychiatric issues.
What do you mean "left her behind?" they weren't on a vacation together in a foreign country. If someone has the ability to walk out themselves, slower or faster, and they do not need someone to stay and help them, they need to do so. These are strangers meeting up. You make no sense
Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 07-18-2015 at 06:09 PM..
Bingo, Seain! I have come to that conclusion! I thought it was good to push myself outside my comfort zone. Not working or going to church, it was a good way to meet people (I haven't found a volunteer gig that appeals). All the articles on mental health talk about how important social connections are, so I thought I would use any tool available to develop these, but when it results in so much frustration, can't see how it is increasing mental health. And it can be something like Facebook in that you look and see people doing all this stuff that you aren't-----and start questioning yourself as to why you are such a homebody---why bars, dances, loud restaurants aren't fun for me, etc.
As you said, I will treasure the friends who really don't drain me and continue to value my own company. Maybe it was a big ego trip to think that I could like or at least get along with lots of different people of all types. I'm definitely over that now! It's enough to have the x amount of quality friends I have---although if you read studies about most friendships having life spans of about 7 years or so, it IS good to add new friends to the mix so you have enough of base when other friendships that you thought would last forever don't...
Well the good thing is you learned from this. I bolded part of your post because you really can't go by what someone posts on FB, there are people who post their every move(I don't get that as I don't want people knowing my every move) to give the illusion of being busy. Because they equate being busy with being popular.
I saw that myself with a meetup group, I went on one event and two of the people(including the group leader) left in the middle to go attend another meetup that was about 20 miles away, I said to one of them "I think you overbook yourself". I realized these people aren't really interested in getting to know people better or even that interested in the event itself, just running around being busy/popular. So they can later post selfies on FB showing how exciting their lives are.....LOL.
The two that left couldn't even enjoy the first event, before they're running off to something else, which they were going to be late for anyway. But again, people like this equate busy and overextending yourself as being popular and social.
I would rather spend time with a good friend or God forbid sitting at home reading a book, than running around with people who have no intentions of getting to know anyone, and who for the most part lack the social graces/skills to meet people in other ways.
Meetup sounds good on paper, but in reality it doesn't work in most cases unless someone thinks running around with people you just met, don't really get to know, and many times find yourselves among people you have nothing in common with is your idea of a social life.
At least you learned early on about this woman. And that fact that she cut you off so quickly shows she is the type I am talking about, she figures there are other couples out there and she has intention of forming any friendships, just someone to go out to eat with so her and her husband don't have to dine alone. You have to wonder given her age how come she doesn't already have people for that?
Unless they just recently moved to your area from out of state, they should have at least one or two couples at this stage in the game to socialize with.
My mother considers herself a vegetarian, but eats fish. So I don't think it's all that unusual. With regards to walking someone out of the restaurant, best etiquette would probably have required you to walk them out of the restaurant, but it's nothing big enough to warrant that type of reaction.
You were probably lucky that she did take offence to your leaving them in the restaurant, because otherwise the onus would have been on you to eventually decline to meet up with them again in the future (which would have probably been more hurtful for her). Perhaps she knew on some level that you weren't enjoying the lunch so much, so she wanted to get on the defensive and drop you from the group before you could decline any future invitations.
I can't believe I just read through this entire thread and I'm still up at this late hour, almost 4 am where I live. This situation is very intriguing to me. On the one hand I don't think the OP did anything wrong. But if you asked my mother, she would probably say the polite thing would have been to wait and walk out together. I can't ask her though as she is no longer here. However, I do think that certain manners and customs vary with the area of the country you are brought up in. I am from the South where good manners are expected as part of one's social standing. My mother was quick to point out my lack of "good breeding" whenever I did not meet her expectations.
So I feel for the OP because the subsequent email from the meetup host would have left me blindsided. I would have had to question myself if I had done anything wrong. And to be honest, I really don't know. However, whether the OP and her husband have the manners expected by their dining party or not, the email accusation was uncalled for. It was not such an egregious act that they should be reprimanded. It's like speaking of rudeness, look who's talking.
The other thing I want to comment on is meetup groups. When I moved here a couple of years ago, I joined several of them. I have had so much fun doing things with these groups and now have a core group of other lady friends. I knew no one when I came here. There have been a couple of groups that I wasn't so crazy about and not everyone I've met has been my cup of tea. But I think these groups are great for getting to know people, getting out and having fun and if you're lucky, you'll actually make a few good friends. That has been my experience and I'm in my 60s. We don't just go to bars and restaurants. We go to all kinds of places and public attractions. There are groups for people who love hiking, biking, photography, art, cultural events, comedy, music, all kinds of dancing and classes such as Zumba or yoga. There are groups for pizza lovers, cooks, desserts and happy hours. And I do not believe that they are just for social misfits. That is crazy! Sure there may be one or two that don't possess the greatest social skills but they are the minority. I've found most people are very nice. One of my groups has potlucks and games nights. It's good clean fun! Don't knock it!
This is a long thread and I didn't read every message, but enough to get a sense of how people feel. While the organizer shouldn't have sent the email she sent, I do find myself coming down on the side of it was rude on your part to fly out of there. Here's why. My FIL is one who does the exact same thing. Whether leaving a restaurant or getting out of the car to go into the grocery or whatever, he just takes off and leaves everyone behind. Like he's in a race to beat everyone. Pulling into a parking place, he will unbuckle his seat belt while the car is still moving, throw it into park with one hand an open the door with the other, jumping out before anyone else can unbuckle. Same thing when eating, whether at home or out, he shoves his food down as fast as possible and then starts in with the "is everyone finished, ready to go?" routine.
Whether he means it or not, he really comes across as wanting to show his superiority. And yes, when we've eaten with groups, we've had others in the group discretely ask us why he seemed so offended by everyone.
You probably sent the same tells during the dinner -- "I hate this conversation and want to get out of here" and confirmed it by leaving as fast as possible.
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But my experience was these groups attract those who don't have that ability. At this stage in the game I realized stick with the friends you have and whose company you enjoy.
But again, people like this equate busy and overextending yourself as being popular and social.
, than running around with people who have no intentions of getting to know anyone, and who for the most part lack the social graces/skills to meet people in other ways.
