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Everyone was looking forward to meeting my sister's new husband last Christmas. They had got married in Las Vegas in early December, in a private last minute ceremony. She told all of us in the family that it was love from the first minute they met and spoke so highly of him constantly.
The two of them arrived at the house on Christmas and it soon became apart to everyone, that the new husband did not want to be there or make any effort to talk to anyone. For all practical purposes, he was a dud.
All of us understand that the new husband was under a lot of pressure and maybe he could be intimidated by the event and could be shy. I don't think they put too much pressure on him to be talkative. The family tried to be friendly but all anyone got from the new husband was stares and one word answers.
So, if you brought a new husband or wife to a family event, whose participants had not met him/her before, what would you expect out of them? Would you get angry if they did not talk to your relatives? Or just expect he/she would get to know everyone at their own pace?
We have not seen him since! But they are still together.
I'd expect the spouse to be friendly at the very least. While I understand that not everyone is talkative, there is a very clear line between being socially awkward and rude. If in the latter category, the family member and his/her spouse would receive fewer invitations to events that I'm involved with as their presence (or the presence of the spouse) is liken to put a slight damper on things.
I have relatives that hardly speak at family functions. It is not because they are "dud"--heck no, one of them is a wonderful man, a preacher who has never said an unkind word about anyone in my presence. He married a woman who was a talker--constantly put me, my brother, my mom down about this or that. I don't know how he stayed married to her --the man was a Saint!
You know.....I always thought my uncle was a stick in the mud around us...always sitting in the chair, doing his "listening", barely speaking and adding anything to the conversation. I wondered about that man for years and years and had this silent resentment in my head about how rude and anti-social he was. Not so very long ago, his sister--my mom--shared with me that my uncle, the preacher above, got abducted by two men when he was a little boy. He was gone for days and the men did let him go. The boy never spoke of what happened to him. My mom said he was like a different person after that happened and always stayed to himself and was so much quieter. He did become a preacher and helped others though.
It did teach me to try and be tolerant around people who are withdrawn and quiet and not jump to conclusions that someone is a loser just because they are that way. We never know what another human being has been or is going through unless they decide to open up and share with us.
I don't mind if I meet new extended family and they're untalkative. Often, once you get to know them, they speak intelligently and have interesting things to add to a discussion. It just puzzles me when they keep changing their name and their stories. I wish those people would just be real, because I'm sure their truthful stories are just as interesting.
My husband is better one-on-one then in crowds, but if someone spoke to him at a party, he would still make an effort to talk and be polite. But it did take my mom a while to get to know him because in group settings, she is a social butterfly and didn't have time to talk to him one-on-one. It wasn't until she spent an afternoon alone with him that she got to know him a little better. Until then, she was being a little judgey of him but now she loves him.
Some people are simply introverted. I guess you should be happy he didn't turn out to be a serial killer and stop thinking something's wrong with him for not being effusive.
Everyone was looking forward to meeting my sister's new husband last Christmas. They had got married in Las Vegas in early December, in a private last minute ceremony. She told all of us in the family that it was love from the first minute they met and spoke so highly of him constantly.
The two of them arrived at the house on Christmas and it soon became apart to everyone, that the new husband did not want to be there or make any effort to talk to anyone. For all practical purposes, he was a dud.
All of us understand that the new husband was under a lot of pressure and maybe he could be intimidated by the event and could be shy. I don't think they put too much pressure on him to be talkative. The family tried to be friendly but all anyone got from the new husband was stares and one word answers.
So, if you brought a new husband or wife to a family event, whose participants had not met him/her before, what would you expect out of them? Would you get angry if they did not talk to your relatives? Or just expect he/she would get to know everyone at their own pace?
We have not seen him since! But they are still together.
I would expect everyone involved to be on their best behavior and to be polite and very, very friendly. Sometimes the hosts have to draw out their guests. However, if the coldness continued, it would be problematic for me, and for my family.
Isn't there a difference between being an introvert and nervous in social settings and just plain rudeness with silence, stares and angry looking replies to questions from relatives who are just trying to be nice? You would think my sister would be furious and put the new husband in the dog house!
I would just let him be. There is an uncle on my mom's side (uncle by marriage) and he would spend every family get together watching TV in the den. For the first decade or two, there were whispers and mumblings. But now, they've been married 40+ years, and everyone knows "that's just Uncle Phil". I think he is actually a very shy person, his wife comes from a family of 10 kids. That's a lot of people, and I think it was just really overwhelming for him.
As long as he's not being antagonistic, I would not stress.
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