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Inviting you and your wife to a party where everyone knows each other well except for you two is hardly "extending the olive branch"; it's pretty insensitive. A good host always takes into account the guests' feelings. Sounds like her problem is that she wanted a higher head count for the party.
Disclaimer to OP: i'm not responding to get you mad or anything. It's just what I observe from your post.
What stood out for me in this post is the bolded. Honestly, it sounds like all this "resentment" is coming from the OP's side of the fence. It sounds like the OP couple is intimidated/jealous of the "big shot" lifestyle of the sister-in-law's family. There are a LOT of assumptions (due to the OP's true feelings about the relationship) peppering the OP's post as well.
The sis in law family probably has no idea of this "unspoken" no-fight-having bad chemistry. How do you know she doesn't like you? Has she stated that to you? Apparently not, since it looks as if you all are assuming she doesn't like you (we think, we can tell, it is all unspoken)
I suggest a sit down talk with the sis in law's family to get to the causation of all the harsh feelings toward the "big shot family", in order to move past it and, if nothing else, to assuage your own feelings of resentment.
I really find it annoying when people assume that everyone who doesn't like or get along with a "big shot" or wealthier person, doesn't because the other person is jealous. As if rich people are all wonderful, glorious, accepting and open people . Honestly, from my experience, wealthier people tend to be more smug, exclusive and frankly biggerModerator cut: deletes than us regular folk. If the OP and his wife tried to get along with them and it's not working and they don't mesh, it does not mean they are jealous.
OP, I probably wouldn't have gone either. I don't get along well with my husband's family and he has attended things without us. Thankfully they live a thousand mikes away, so we have the excuse of the burden of traveling with small children. For now at least. Like your situation, most of the dislike is unspoken, but I can feel it and I know you do too. I would reply to her email and politely explain that you RSVP-ed no for personal reasons, hope they had a nice evening and wish her a happy birthday.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 08-23-2015 at 01:09 PM..
Reason: filtered words are not allowed no matter how they are disguised
By attending my wife is saying it is OK for the sister and her snotty husband to be unfriendly to me and I will still be forced to attend the event because it is family. My wife does not like both of them either, but may have attended if they had historically been nicer to me.
When I did get together with them in the past my wife always thanked me for trying hard to be nice and carry on a conversation and thought both of them had bad manners for not trying at their end.
According to the vote so far, my wife and I were wrong for not attending the dinner party regardless of how we have been treated historically. Interesting. Translation: Family can treat us rudely because, well, they are family!
Last edited by Chip Morton; 08-21-2015 at 12:58 PM..
Etiquette is really not what you should be concerned about.
When you can't even try to make nice with a family member who is making solid attempts to connect with you, then you need to consider how much of the problem is YOU.
This is really none of your concern, you know. That is your WIFE's sister/family. SHE needs to make the decisions about whether to go to family events, or cut off all communications with her family.
Whether YOU would attend the dinner or not is up to YOU. But whether your WIFE would attend is up to her. The sister is family to your wife. Seems to me that if she wants to cut off communications, then your wife should tell the sister, and that's it. Otherwise, your wife should attend gracious invitations to go to family events, if she can afford to financially.
Sounds like you may be a bit jealous of the sister's husband. But I understand it.
You don't want to interfere or be the cause of any trouble between your wife and her family. That will come back to bite you. I find it pretty arrogant that you assumed a decision making role in this thing, in the first place. A bit presumptious of you, and you clearly have a sway with your wife's decisions. But it was her decision all along. She should be the one doing the post here. If your wife wants to go to such things with her family, you can either go, if your wife asks (and put up a good front & be pleasant and respectful and kind), or you can opt to stay home.
I really find it annoying when people assume that everyone who doesn't like or get along with a "big shot" or wealthier person, doesn't because the other person is jealous. As if rich people are all wonderful, glorious, accepting and open people . Honestly, from my experience, wealthier people tend to be more smug, exclusive and frankly bigger *******s than us regular folk. If the OP and his wife tried to get along with them and it's not working and they don't mesh, it does not mean they are jealous.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chip Morton
Her husband is a real big shot, who I, or my wife, have absolutely no chemistry with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chip Morton
By attending my wife is saying it is OK for the sister and her snotty husband ...
Regarding the comments below: My wife does not drive and the event is over 25 miles away so she can't go unless I drive her. So if we were to have gone, both of would have to. She really did not want to go either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpollen
This is really none of your concern, you know. That is your WIFE's sister/family. SHE needs to make the decisions about whether to go to family events, or cut off all communications with her family.
Whether YOU would attend the dinner or not is up to YOU. But whether your WIFE would attend is up to her. The sister is family to your wife. Seems to me that if she wants to cut off communications, then your wife should tell the sister, and that's it. Otherwise, your wife should attend gracious invitations to go to family events, if she can afford to financially.
Sounds like you may be a bit jealous of the sister's husband. But I understand it.
You don't want to interfere or be the cause of any trouble between your wife and her family. That will come back to bite you. I find it pretty arrogant that you assumed a decision making role in this thing, in the first place. A bit presumptious of you, and you clearly have a sway with your wife's decisions. But it was her decision all along. She should be the one doing the post here. If your wife wants to go to such things with her family, you can either go, if your wife asks (and put up a good front & be pleasant and respectful and kind), or you can opt to stay home.
Butt out of your wife's family affairs.
Last edited by Chip Morton; 08-21-2015 at 01:18 PM..
This is really none of your concern, you know. That is your WIFE's sister/family. SHE needs to make the decisions about whether to go to family events, or cut off all communications with her family.
Whether YOU would attend the dinner or not is up to YOU. But whether your WIFE would attend is up to her. The sister is family to your wife. Seems to me that if she wants to cut off communications, then your wife should tell the sister, and that's it. Otherwise, your wife should attend gracious invitations to go to family events, if she can afford to financially.
This is how it rolls in my house. We are each accountable for determining what events from our respective families we go to. If my wife says I need to go to her family event, I go. And I make small talk with people who I have absolutely nothing in common with. Because it's the appropriate thing to do. Not all families are close/best friends. Sometimes you have to take your punches, and I know my wife will do the same for me.
Basically you can choose your friends but not your family. I see no reason why you would be obligated to attend an event with family members you are not particularly close to nor would I understand why they would be offended. This is especially true if they are aware there is no close connection and it sounds like it would be obvious to anyone. You responded to the RSVP and I think that's all you have to do. It's not like it was her wedding or anything.
One doesn't choose family. No one says that you have to like them. If, in two years, no one has really had contact with the other then you were under no obligation to attend. You rsvped no. That was all that was required.
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. Honestly, from my experience, wealthier people tend to be more smug, exclusive and frankly biggerModerator cut: deletes than us regular folk. If the OP and his wife tried to get along with them and it's not working and they don't mesh, it does not mean they are jealous.
