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Unless you want to have your parents control you for the rest of your life I would seek counseling on how to deal with them and be confident in yourself and in your own decisions and separate your finances. You could contribute of course to the household expenses but have a separate account for the majority of your income. I'm sure they do love you but IMO their actions are also about control.
You got some very good suggestions in the post above.
I agree. I also told them they if they really wanted to just cage me from the world, they should have sent me back home. That way at least I wouldn't have a notion of what it meant to have freedom either, and would be normalized to these cultural ways. Sigh.
Ask your parents why they came to America. I will bet that they will say something like "freedom" or "opportunity." Well, that's great, but the reasons why America has such freedom and opportunity is because the people who came here from all over the world unbound themselves from their former cultural constraints and embraced what became a shared national culture, which includes the trait of "rugged individualism" -- which is to say, people setting out on their own and making their own way in the world.
It sounds like your parents are happy to take advantage of America's opportunities but refuse to contribute to the cultural freedoms that have made these opportunities possible. They refuse to assimilate, and they refuse to allow you to assimilate as well.
I'll stop here, as I don't want to get too off-topic or start to say things that would place me out of compliance with the TOS. I'll leave you with this: decide for yourself what you are -- American or [whatever culture you came from] -- and act accordingly.
Stop with excuses. You already know what you have to do. You just need courage to take that step. Leave your home & survive on your own. You are an adult with a job so no one can stop you. Your family can try emotional blackmail but its upto you to give in or not. I know people in your situation & despite being qualified with a good job, they lack basic skills to survive outside their home. Sooner or later you will find yourself alone to deal with the evils of the real world. If you have always been under your parents' protection, all it takes is one person to destroy you when you are left alone in the world. Step out in the real world & develop survival skills. You can achieve success by hardwork & education but maintaining that success needs skills like confidence, self-defense & ability to standup for yourself. You don't even have to look far for manipulation & deception. Your own spouse & kids will walk all over you if you don't know how to speak up & fight back. You are already handing over your paycheck to your parents. Not saying they are taking advantage of you but when they are gone, you will look for their replacement & let others take complete control of your life because you have no idea how to manage your own life. Don't think others will have good intentions like your parents do, when you hand them controls of your life. Your education, job should be enough to give you the courage to move out & have your own life. Don't be scared of making mistakes. Its a total loss only if you don't learn from your mistakes. Living constantly under your parents' supervision will keep you weak, innocent, gullible & easy target for manipulation.
Please explain to your parents that you understand why they are being so over protective. The country they came from probably didn't have much safety, human rights or strict laws. I am also an immigrant & I understand how they feel. Families back home have to keep a close eye on kids as the authorities, govt are of no help. Laws are for the elite, not the common man. But its different here. You can call the cops anytime & trust the system so you don't have to constantly supervise your kids. You teach them to be independent & how to ask for help when in need. You still have to watch out for them even when they are grown up but its also important that you give them enough space to grow up on their own. Doesn't matter if your parents can understand this or not, move out asap. Think about it as a favor to your parents as it will make them very proud that you can live on your own & make your decisions. Parents worry more about weak kids so become strong & give them peace of mind. For a while they might show anger but over time they will be very proud of you.
I know this seems like a cruel thing to say, but it is unfortunately true. Your parents will die someday. Even if you get married, your husband may die as well. You need to be able to: pay the bills, make decisions, take care of your home, take care of yourself, make friends, communicate in a healthy manner.... I've seen what happens when a person does not develop these skills at a young age and leans on others instead. It's not pretty. Take a stand for yourself. Start by opening a bank account and switching your direct deposit to the new bank account. Find out what your parents want to charge for rent, and create a budget. Do it now, before it's too late.
This ^^^ is the basis for everything, your whole life.
As you know, they set you up for this and in fact made you this way because of their own fears and insecurity. Now you cannot even trust yourself to make one important decision.
I strongly disagree that you should just up and move out on your own. You are not emotionally ready for that. You are similar to a POW who has been brainwashed to believe what your captors have told you.
I DO think you need to find a professional psychotherapist to help you get ready, though. You have serious self-worth issues that need help.
Your priority right now should be to find ways to assert yourself with your parents at home. Start with the knowledge that you are allowed and entitled to live your life the way YOU choose.
I'm 24 years old, and I can barely ever make any decisions for myself.
They cannot legally compel you to obey them. If you disobey them, the only penalties you face are a sense of departure from culture (in which you may not feel the same level of membership as your folks) and parental disapproval. It's a very individual thing how important those penalties are to you.
When I left the religion in which I was raised, some of my relatives felt it was their duty to counsel me about my soul. This was more important to them than respecting my choice. For those who had this ethical disability, I advised them that if they wanted never to see me again, just keep that talk up.
If it makes you feel any better, a lot of children of non-immigrants also deal with a lot of manipulative parental guilt. They just don't have the same cultural context for excuses. Every time I hear someone blurt "Family is what you can always count on," I want to throw up. No, in fact, in very many situations, family is presented as a valid excuse for unkindness and abuse, taking from anyone who is ethical and giving to anyone who is not. It can be an enabling mechanism for people to treat others worse, rather than better, due to kinship. How utterly messed up is that? I'm married. That makes my wife my closest living relative. If I treat her worse than I treat average people I do not know, good lord, what the hell is wrong with me? As my nearest relative she should be treated the best! In your case, these are your closest living relatives, and they are using guilt to prevent you from being happy. That is not good treatment.
In the end, it comes down to what is most important to you: living your own life with your own money and your own choices, or yielding to parental guilt. No one can tell you what you're comfortable with. If you keep going as you are, though, sounds like you will be miserable. It then comes down to the question, given how much you've already yielded to them, as to what kind of loving family members would want a child to be miserable. Family is supposed to be loving and supportive, which implies wanting other family members to be happy. Your parents don't seem to want you to be happy; they want you to validate them, and if that makes you unhappy, well, that's tough.
I'm 24 years old, and I can barely ever make any decisions for myself.
My parents are immigrants and they've always had a very bad perception of what happens in 'the west'. Although I was born in the West, I've always struggled with feeling like I have two personalities. One personality is full of self-doubt, constantly seeking validation/approval from my parents/others, feeling indecisive, confused, unable to understand myself. The other part of me knows what I want, what I feel - but because I'm so shaped by cultural notions and what my parents think, I usually do what I am expected to more than what I want.
I remember in middle-school, I wasn't allowed to go to school trips after grade 5 because my dad thought this would lead to me going on multiple day trips with boys. When I entered high school, I had to come home for lunch everyday because I was told 'kids do bad things during lunch, and go to the mall.' When I was got into university, I couldn't choose the major of my choice because my family/relatives didn't think being a dietitian was something to be proud of. So I went on to do a major I hated but made my family 'proud.'
The first relationship I ever got into was with a great guy, but my parents didn't approve of him. Despite trying to persuade my parents, they didn't listen. I broke up with him and made the mistake of getting into a rebound relationship - which although my parents approved of - it failed miserably.
So most aspects of my life suck, and no matter what decision I have to make (even small as purchasing an item/clothes etc. I'm calling my parents to ask what they think) Before making an choice, I always find myself putting myself in their shoes, and making decisions based on what THEY think.
Any insight would be helpful?
I agree with other posters who said you don't have a lot of experience making your own decisions, but I disagree with the approach that you should immediately go to counseling, because it's possible you can deal with it yourself and would feel better about yourself if you did.
Here's an idea: start by making small decisions... when you find yourself thinking 'what would my parents say/do/think about that?,' gently nudge yourself with 'but this is my decision, it's entirely up to me.'
It could take time, and you could experience some hits-and-misses, but you can slowly-but-surely move from 'they want' to 'I want.'
Its tough OP, you're caught between the Old World and the New.
But if you look around you, so is everyone else.
Our kids have computers we never had - a MASSIVE parenting challenge no one was ready for - they have an entirely different culture than the one I grew up with, pre-electronica.
We all just have to learn together, no matter our age.
FWIW your feelings of overobligation will taper off. Dya know at 24 you are right on schedule to be rejecting childhood ways and fashioning new ones for yourself?
Successive generations have been doing it for eons. You'll likely be just fine, also you are unlikely to bring your future children up with this sense of Duty that you find so suffocating.
You have to accept that your parents will be disappointed in you and let that go. Pleasing them can no longer be the most important part of decision-making. They will be sad, hurt, angry, disappointed, etc, etc, etc. You will have to say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is best for me." And move on.
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