I can't make any decisions. Constantly need parents' approval? (girlfriend, person, member)
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I'm 24 years old, and I can barely ever make any decisions for myself.
My parents are immigrants and they've always had a very bad perception of what happens in 'the west'. Although I was born in the West, I've always struggled with feeling like I have two personalities. One personality is full of self-doubt, constantly seeking validation/approval from my parents/others, feeling indecisive, confused, unable to understand myself. The other part of me knows what I want, what I feel - but because I'm so shaped by cultural notions and what my parents think, I usually do what I am expected to more than what I want.
I remember in middle-school, I wasn't allowed to go to school trips after grade 5 because my dad thought this would lead to me going on multiple day trips with boys. When I entered high school, I had to come home for lunch everyday because I was told 'kids do bad things during lunch, and go to the mall.' When I was got into university, I couldn't choose the major of my choice because my family/relatives didn't think being a dietitian was something to be proud of. So I went on to do a major I hated but made my family 'proud.'
The first relationship I ever got into was with a great guy, but my parents didn't approve of him. Despite trying to persuade my parents, they didn't listen. I broke up with him and made the mistake of getting into a rebound relationship - which although my parents approved of - it failed miserably.
So most aspects of my life suck, and no matter what decision I have to make (even small as purchasing an item/clothes etc. I'm calling my parents to ask what they think) Before making an choice, I always find myself putting myself in their shoes, and making decisions based on what THEY think.
I sincerely recommend that you speak to a professional mental healthcare provider. I know a young man like this and his inability to make a decision is crippling for him. He has now spent a couple of years trying to convince himself to leave town to go to college and has made his entire family miserable. He wants to go, but he's afraid it's not the right decision. He, too, constantly calls his parents for affirmation of every choice. His mother still buys his clothes for him. He's never had a girlfriend or even been on a date and I suspect it's because he constantly questions whether his parents will like whoever it is.
Anyway, I think a good therapist could help you develop some decision-making strategies. You already seem to understand the issue. Now you just need some tools.
Do you still live with your parents? If so, then the first decision you need to make is to move out and get your own place.
Are you financially dependent on your parents? If so, then the second decision you need to make is to find a way to support yourself.
Culturally speaking, do you consider yourself to be American, or of the culture of your parents? If you consider yourself to be American, then the third decision you need to make is to live like one, which includes making your own way in life as an adult, not bound or dependent upon your parents.
And if I had the opportunity to talk with your parents, I would ask them why they wanted to come to America in the first place, and why they continue to stay here, if they have no interest in adapting to American ways.
Your parents are over protective either because they love you or are themselves compliant, probably both. There certainly are dangers out there especially for a young girl, no doubt about it and some can ruin your life.
The problem is they are squishing your ability to make any decisions at all and that is bad. You need to start making decisions on your own. First lots of very small ones (like what to eat and what to buy) till you gain confidence. I suspect you already know what their advise would be in each case. You don't want to become so crippled that you end up taking others' advise which may not be in your best interest when your parents become unable to give it.
You need to show them that your decisions are sound, know when you need to take advise and when you don't. Make them give you reasons for their decisions and you give them the reasoning behind yours. I would have fought them on the dietitian career choice as their pride was getting in the way of your life. A couple of things are possible - either you will learn to stand up for yourself or you won't. I don't think they want to leave you with that vulnerability for the rest of your life?
Do you still live with your parents? If so, then the first decision you need to make is to move out and get your own place.
Are you financially dependent on your parents? If so, then the second decision you need to make is to find a way to support yourself.
Culturally speaking, do you consider yourself to be American, or of the culture of your parents? If you consider yourself to be American, then the third decision you need to make is to live like one, which includes making your own way in life as an adult, not bound or dependent upon your parents.
And if I had the opportunity to talk with your parents, I would ask them why they wanted to come to America in the first place, and why they continue to stay here, if they have no interest in adapting to American ways.
Yes I still live with my parents. They don't believe in the idea of children moving out until they are married, so this will not be happening anytime soon.
I have a full-time job, but I don't control my own finances. My parents and I have a joint bank account, and whatever we all earn goes there. They use my money, I use theirs. It's all one thing.
Culturally speaking, I have no idea what my identity is, honestly. I know that might sound weird, but I don't have a sense of self.
I agree. I also told them they if they really wanted to just cage me from the world, they should have sent me back home. That way at least I wouldn't have a notion of what it meant to have freedom either, and would be normalized to these cultural ways. Sigh.
Your parents are over protective either because they love you or are themselves compliant, probably both. There certainly are dangers out there especially for a young girl, no doubt about it and some can ruin your life.
The problem is they are squishing your ability to make any decisions at all and that is bad. You need to start making decisions on your own. First lots of very small ones (like what to eat and what to buy) till you gain confidence. I suspect you already know what their advise would be in each case. You don't want to become so crippled that you end up taking others' advise which may not be in your best interest when your parents become unable to give it.
You need to show them that your decisions are sound, know when you need to take advise and when you don't. Make them give you reasons for their decisions and you give them the reasoning behind yours. I would have fought them on the dietitian career choice as their pride was getting in the way of your life. A couple of things are possible - either you will learn to stand up for yourself or you won't. I don't think they want to leave you with that vulnerability for the rest of your life?
I get they are doing it out of love, and they were raised the same way, so they think this is the way to do it. But it doesn't work because I didn't ever live back home, I've lived here all my life.
I am trying to make little decisions, but it's hard because my brain is so wired into thinking how the consequences of all my decisions will make them feel. I just don't get them. They complain about me not being confident enough, and tell me how I won't survive alone in the world when they're gone - but they never give me the opportunity to grow!
They just praise me every time I make a decision based on what they think, so in my head me making decisions on my own = bad daughter.
You should tell your parents to go p i s s up a rope and then live your own life. That is, of course, your entirely capable and able to totally support yourself financially....
I have a full-time job, but I don't control my own finances. My parents and I have a joint bank account, and whatever we all earn goes there. They use my money, I use theirs. It's all one thing.
Culturally speaking, I have no idea what my identity is, honestly. I know that might sound weird, but I don't have a sense of self.
OP, I know this is going to be a challenge because it goes against the nature of your culture. Additionally, your parents took this to the extreme and they have stunted your growth as an individual. I'm sorry that you didn't get to enjoy a "normal" childhood but now it's time to become a "normal" adult.
You are going to have to be strong and persistent because your parents are going to resist these changes. But keep in mind - gaining independence and your sense of self is important to being a healthy, functioning person. You are NOT a bad daughter.
You need to start taking baby steps of creating your sense of self and gaining some independence from your family.
The first thing I suggest doing is to separate your finances. Open up your own account, and start putting your money in your account. Then come to an agreement with your parents on an amount to pay them each month to contribute to household expenses. Do not use any of their money. Use your own money to support yourself.
Once you have your finances in order, start making little decisions for yourself. Try not to worry if your parents will approve. They just need to trust that if they have done a good job with raising you, then you will make the right decisions for you, and sometimes that means decisions they don't necessarily approve of at the time.
Finances in order and ability to support oneself. Check
Confidence in making decisions. Check
Next on the list, get your own place with or without roommates.
Do you have someone who can coach you through this? I just know that with your parents being this heavy handed your entire life, it's going to be very difficult for you to assert yourself with them.
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