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This is just one guy - you say you enjoy the rest of the group's members, so go ahead and hang out with them. People are never going to agree about everything - you can still be cordial to the problematic young man while being closer to your other buddies. Don't talk about him with the other guys - if he has issues or is unfairly judgmental, the rest of the group will realize this after spending more time with him. Meanwhile, continue your friendship with the others and hold your head high.
The young woman doesn't sound like a very nice person, but again, if she returns, treat her politely - no need to make her your best friend. Surely the group is large enough for you to focus on other members rather than these two newbies.
As for "infiltration", this sounds more than a little paranoid to me. I don't see an issue with someone belonging to both groups - this isn't the Sharks and the Jets, after all. If the new guy enjoys the other group more than the one you like, no doubt he'll spend more time with them. Fine - that's his privilege and choice.
So, give it time, play it cool, and don't overthink this. Be cordial to everyone, stick with your own standards and preferences, and don't feel as if you have to defend your choices. "I just don't feel like it tonight, but you all go ahead and have fun" is a perfectly acceptable response. You don't have to go into detail about your reasons or feel bad about tem, so don't let anyone pressure you. Just repeat what you said initially, and change the subject or say, "Oh, there's Joe! I've been wanting to talk to him all night! Catch you later...", and walk away.
Good luck to you.
Agreed. OP, don't let one person dictate your relationship with the others.
I just recently moved to a new city and am trying to develop friends. When I got here, I first joined a group of people that I had met off the internet and frequented a local pub, but that didn't work out. The group was full of drama and there were always a select few participating(out of 500). I wasn't in any of the drama and I kept a low profile. I gave the group itself several chances, but I just wasn't feeling it, so I bowed out and went and did my own thing.
I met another group through meetup that was GREAT. We have so much fun and we play games, hang out and enjoy each others company, we get along very very well. I guess my problem was last night, a friend invited over a new guy and a new girl. We shared personal details about ourselves at the last get together and we have bonded. Well when it came time for the new girl to share her details, she admitted that she cheated on her bf. I don't particularly care for that situation but whatever, its not my business. Well the new guy wanted her number while she was leaving...I started thinking that if someone admits that and it just recently happened...doesn't it take a certain type of person to hang out with someone like that..or is that just being judgemental?
Well, anyways, after she left, me and the guys in the group were talking about going out tonight, and the new guy just invited himself along. Not only that, but I found out that he hangs out at the bar that the FIRST GROUP goes to. So I am iffy about hanging with people I don't know outside of the group, but I didn't say anything. That first group was drama and a bunch of introverts trying to act like extroverts. Anyway, the girls decided to go to a gay club(we have two gay members in our group) and thats totally fine, but that is just not my scene. Well I tried to make conversation with the new guy later on and I told him that I didn't want to go to that club because its just not my thing and this new place that we are going to is great...and his first question to me is...."Are you homophobic?" Now this annoyed me...I mean, I am straight..im in my 30s and I am single..I work hard during the week and my time is limited, but just because I am not interested in going to a gay club, now im homophobic? Everyone has preferences and I told him that I just preferred not to go and he said that he had a lot of gay friends in an other city...ok and what does that matter? Anyway, after that he ignored me at all, got every guys number there but me and left.
So I am supposed to hang out with my guy friends tonight, the girls are doing their thing, but I really really don't like how it went down. I feel like he has a negative way of thinking that I just do not like and its a person from the first group that has infiltrated us. I don't handle situations like this well, so I don't know if I should just talk to the guys about it or let one of the main people that organizes events know..i don't really handle situations like this well and it makes me uncomfortable...so what do I do?
Don't let 1 person ruin your fun. Just ignore him. You don't have to be anybody's friend.
Take it easy & enjoy the show. You don't need to be so emotionally attached to the people in the group. Nobody is perfect so you are bound to run into some situations & people that will make you uncomfortable but there is nothing you can do about it. I am sure there are people like that in every family & workplace so there is no escape. Luckily you can escape & switch to a different group of friends if there is too much drama. If I were in your place, I wouldn't care about it at all as long as I have a few friends in that group. I might invite my favorite people from the group to coffee & find ways to hangout more with them. Find other group of friends as well & don't rely too much on this group. Have different interests & try to find more like-minded people rather than trying to change yourself or someone else. If you are uncomfortable in an environment, move away. Find a creative hobby & hangout with people who share common interests so that the discussion is more about the hobby & not personal issues. I used to have groups of friends in college but after I started working I have very little time for friends so I invested in quality rather than quantity. I would rather spend an entire day with one good, caring, trusting friend rather than an hour with a big group of acquaintances.
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