How do I handle having an ethical disagreement with my buddy's girlfriend? (spouse, member)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've been friends with "Jack" for quite a few years, and up until recently, I thought his girlfriend "Jill" was a pretty good girl. Even when he was having disagreements with her, I had told him that he was pretty lucky to someone like her around, and I meant it.
Some time ago, they came up against a pretty intense disagreement that ultimately led to them breaking up. A couple months before they came to the break up point, she starts dating one of his best friends behind his back. When I found out, I wasn't all that happy about that, but it wasn't my life, and I didn't get involved in that, and stayed friendly to all involved.
About a month after that, I found that she bold faced lied to a family member in order to get that family member to buy her a new car (largely revolved around her claim that it was going to get gas mileage about triple was actually true, and this was the big motivator for the family member to buy it for her as her current vehicle got horrible gas mileage which she couldn't afford on her low paying job). The lie started to unravel on Facebook as she was bragging about her new car on her page, and a couple of us made jokes about how horrible the mileage was on such a vehicle, and how much of a money pit it was ultimately going to be. She unfriends those of us making those comments because she fears that said family member will begin to put two and two together, realize that they were lied to, and get quite upset as this particular family member was burned financially by Jill at least once before, along with Jill's sister doing the same thing.
When she tried to re-friend me several weeks later, acting like nothing ever happened, saying that she doesn't know why I'm upset with her because she does stuff like this all the time, etc. I declined, and when she pressed for a reason, I told her that I couldn't call someone who would do something like that a friend. By this point in time, Jack had found out about the affair, and other things, and was pretty pissed off at her..I figured I wouldn't see much of her any more, and that was that.
Fast forward a couple more months, and Jack and Jill reconcile, along with Jill getting pregnant with Jack's child. At this point, they're acting like nothing had ever happened, and they're as happy as can be. Fair enough...they're both adults, they make their own choices, and take whatever happens as a result....
...except, they're also acting like we're all friends again, and nothing ever happened..want to hang out as friends again, etc. To me, if Jack wants to be with her again, knowing what happened, it's his choice, and I'm not going to try to convince him otherwise and I still consider him to be a good friend. But that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with being around her on a "friends" basis.
That said...what do I do? I feel like a jerk if I said it's her or I, or that I don't want to be around a lying con artist. But on the other hand, knowing what happened in the past, while I'm not going to hold a grudge against her (as I'm not going to intentionally get myself worked up over it, lol), she's still not someone that I'd call a friend either and I feel like she's basically using him for financial gain as well.
Sounds like Jack's going to need a frend down the road. Maybe she'll grow up, now that she has a child and a marriage to work on. I don't know how young/old the people in question are, but I'm thinking pretty young and stupid. (At least, I hope so. Old and stupid is much harder to overcome.) So there's still a chance she can turn this around.
You can still stay friends wth Jack, but it's going to be harder. If you stay friends with Jack, you are going to have to deal with Jill on some level -- perhaps not as an intimate friend, but certainly as a well-known acquaintance. It doesn't mean that you and she have to be BFF's, though. Pretty soon, they are going to be up to their ears in parenthood, so your relationship with Jack may undergo a change, anyway.
I'd distance from the drama majorly. Once I a while get together with jack when Jill isn't around. Or a phone call. But not be pulled into that mess. It's only going to get worse.
I know, its tough to handle when your friend hooks up with someone you don't think is good enough for them.
But its part of growing up. Learning how to suck it up.
Every time I watch say, 60 minutes, all the friends of the victim talk about how much they disliked the spouse that ended up murdering them, but they stayed friends all the way through.
They pretty much quietly said "are you sure this is right for you" and left it at that. Even though some of them were seriously, seriously concerned.
I have a friend who is with a guy who...never mind, but having no teeth is just a start.
I love her, i think he's an utter total jerk.
I kiss the guy on the cheek every time i see him. Because she loves him and I love her. It's what you DO for people you care about. Suck it up. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
You sit back, think, if i was with some girl everyone thought was Not Good For Me, would i want to be told about it?
Maybe yes, maybe no. Or maybe once, and then
Trust your friends judgement in other words. Its none of your business.
Find your own girlfriend also. This will take your mind off anyone elses love life.
It is up to your friend to be with her or not. He has chosen her despite her shortcomings, so if you want to remain his friend, you will have to be friendly to her also. This doesn't mean you have to trust her or confide in her. It does mean you will need to be cordial and get along. It is up to you, but you will lose a friend if you can't do it. Also, the less you know about her drama in the future the better off you will be. I would just be there for your friend, and not get involved anymore than you have to.
I'm just wondering why Jack even wants you to still be his friend. You knew his gf was dating his best friend for months behind his back and said nothing. And while you apparently had no problems with her cheating on your friend for months, you get upset because she duped a family member to buy her a car?
It's not your place to handle anything here. If you don't like her, minimize the time you spend around her or around them as a couple. Sooner or later, he'll notice and ask you why. And if he doesn't, just be there for him when he falls down and breaks his crown. Bonus: When Jill comes tumbling after, you can just let her fall on her azz.
Do you really enjoy that kind of drama in your life? If not, find better friends.
This ^^^^^^^^^^
Had a friend who's fiance was cheating on her. She told me a whole bunch of stuff about this loser and I was there for her listening to all the crying. They got back together and I could never stand the guy after everything he did to her. So, I clipped the friendship. Other people's relationship drama is never worth it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
