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You could be right.....but at the same time...the 2 rape victims I've known in my life wanted nothing more to do with the guy. They feared him....They sure didn't continue seeing him for another several years.
How many rape victims continue to hang out with the rapist for several more years???
Every person and every situation is different.
Imagine yourself as a young teen who has just started dating. First your older boyfriend pressures you into having sex when you are conflicted about it. Then, he physically pushes you down, even though you are saying No and crying and forces himself on you. Remember that the OP said that he weighed 120 more than the her daughter. While the OP did not give specifics, imagine that her daughter weighed 110 pounds and he weighed 230 pounds. And I bet that he was six or eight inches taller so she is just crushed under his bulk.
I bet after sex, he went on like it was perfectly fine and that he had done nothing wrong. He probably was saying that he loved you and acting perfectly normal after that happened. As a young naïve teen with an older boyfriend he may have persuaded you to have your doubts about exactly what happened. And, remember this was a nice, charming boy that your parents absolutely adored. What would you say to your parents when you told them why you broke up with him? She is now an adult of 25 and it took her that long to tell her parents. I am betting that she was just too afraid and confused when she was a teen to know what to do. In fact, date rape was not as well known even 10 years ago and especially by young teens, so she may not of even realized how serious it was at the time.
While I was never actually raped as a teen I remember a situation when I was 14 with a 18 year old boy, with his own apartment, where he went much farther than I wanted to go. I was almost paralyzed with fear at the time and was very, very confused. And, yes, I did go on several more double dates with him. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tellanyone, including my girl friend who was dating his buddy. He ended up breaking up with me after a number of additional dates because I absolutely refused to go "all the way" with him.
I had just gotten out of 9th grade, and had rarely, rarely dated, and he had just graduated from HS, so I was in "way over my head" and should not have even gone out with him at all. I never told anyone at the time, not my parents, not my older sister not my girlfriend. Now that I think about it, I never told anyone about it, even years later.
In fact, for years I blamed myself for allowing myself to get into that situation. Even today, as a woman in her 60s I still can not believe that I was stupid enough to go to an 18 year olds apartment after a date when I was that naïve & young, but I did not even know how to say "No" to that. Technically, with him being an adult and me being only 14, what he did to me that day(under today's laws) was a felony.
BTW, my GF, also 14, needed to "visit her aunt, who lived out of state" (wink, wink) for the fall & winter after that summer dating experience.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-15-2015 at 09:18 AM..
Thanks for the support. Don't worry, I shrugged it off. I knew there would be a few who wouldn't be able to resist a rousing chorus of "blaming the victim." It's hard to describe their on-again-off-again relationship, except to note that most teenagers aren't wise when it comes to relationships. Thankfully, most of them gain wisdom as they mature.
Kudos to your daughter for walking away.
I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years, which included rape. It took me five years to get out of it with my life.
Mom, the only thing you can do for your daughter is accept her; encourage her; and make sure she knows she can tell you anything.
Just because she stayed doesn't indicate that it was a healthy relationship. Who is to say that the guy didn't manipulate or threaten the daughter behind closed doors? He may have appeared to be a "nice guy" to the mom, but that doesn't mean that he was a "nice guy" to the daughter in private, even if that rape was the only violent incident.
There are lots of people who stay in abusive relationships, and a plethora of reasons they do so.... and NONE of them are healthy or even safe ones.
My mid-20's daughter came to me a few days ago and, in tears, admitted that she had been raped when she was 15.
I'm stunned. The boy that raped her was her boyfriend at the time. I thought that they had been well-supervised, they were not allowed to date as a couple because of her age, she was not allowed to drive alone with him, etc., etc. But where there's a will, there's a way, apparently. She said that they had had sex a couple of times before that, but in this one instances, he insisted, and it turned into sex by force. She was very clear on what happened that time, and shared that it has had a major impact on intimate relationships since then. She still maintained an off-and-on relationship with him for several years past that time, but was always the one to break up with him, until finally she said, "I'm done." and that was that.
He had a strange home life, but he fit into our family well, and spent a lot of time here. I, personally, liked him very much. He would remember family birthdays, always sent me a Mother's Day card, and would drop by to chat even if my daughter was out with other friends, or if they were "on a break". I thought he was just a nice kid, even if he and my daughter didn't work out. She didn't object or protest, and he and I never talked about her -- it was usually about school, or who he was dating at the time, his parent's divorce, etc., etc. He hasn't been by in the last few years, because he is an adult now, and works a few towns over, but we've (me and my husband) met for dinner once or twice in the last couple of years to catch up.
I'm so angry at him I can barely function. At this point, there's no question of persecution. How could I have missed the clues? (The serial relationships, etc.) How could he betray our family like this? How could I have allowed him to stay a part of our family? My daughter isn't making it up - there's no reason to at this point. But she said that she had kept it inside all these years because she was ashamed and didn't want us to know she was sexually active -- even though I thought we had discussed sex, pregnancy prevention, etc. openly and candidly. I never shied away from any question. She felt like she had done something "wrong" for him to do that, and had finally realized, years later, that it wasn't her fault and that I wouldn't be "mad" at her.
She thinks it would help her to confront him, but isn't sure what she wants to gain out of a confrontation -- an admission of guilt? An apology? What if it doesn't go the way she imagines? I suggested that it might be a good idea to talk to a rape counselor first so that she can sort out in her mind what would best help her move past it.
I'm trying to figure out what *I* can do for her. I feel so betrayed by this young man and like I'm the world's worst mother for not picking up on it, and inadvertently subjecting my daughter to more pain by continuing to maintain a casual relationship with him after she had moved on. She keeps apologizing for "dumping" this on me, but it had come to a boiling point, for whatever reason, and I'm so glad she finally opened up and told us. I just don't know what to do NOW, I'm so angry with him. (Obviously, ANY kind of relationship with this guy is completely out of the question.)
You're not a "rotten mom"
What happened to your daughter, the rape, is like what bullies do to someone they consider weaker
They test them for weakness
At the time of the rape your daughter was feeling guilty because being a victim of rape "must be / has to be" a sign of weakness
The one who should be guilty -- the bully, the rapist -- should be confronted about it so that the hot iron instead of sticking your dear daughter should be pressed on him so that he'll never forget or think he got away with something
That rape went unpunished, so it is like a secret badge of ... something, that he carries
It was a thing he got away with
Like when bullies get away with the things they do
Do with that what you want
He doesn't have to get physical punishment or jail time
He just has to know "that people know" or feel an uncertain, "oh no, people may know now.."
You're speechless because your Lack the skills of Logic and Reasoning.
1. She continued to see, date him and have sex with him after the alleged Rape.
2. Based on your logic, 99% of marriages would lead to a Rape conviction of the husband.
I can picture the court scene in my minds eye;
JUDGE: So Ms, you were raped by a young man you were dating?
ALLEGED VICTIM: Yes your Honor
JUDGE: And did you continue to see him after the Rape?
ALLEGED VICTIM: Yes your Honor
JUDGE: ? ? ? ----> Ok, tell us why you never reported "the Rape?"
ALLEGED VICTIM: Well, I love him your honor.
JUDGE: I see, and you had consensual sex after the Rape?
ALLEGED VICTIM: Yes your Honor
JUDGE: Did the Perpetrator ever Rape you again?
ALLEGED VICTIM: No your Honor
JUDGE: Did you have consensual sex with the Perpetrator after the Rape?
ALLEGED VICTIM: Yes your Honor
JUDGE: I see...how long did you continue to have consensual sex with him
ALLEGED VICTIM: For Years your Honor.
JUDGE: (Judge clears his throat) Ok Ms. Thank you
JUDGE: I need to counsel in chambers NOW !!!
This whole BS story is a farce for Misandry....Give me a Break!
Oh get over your poor oppressed male self. You're the one whose abandoned logic and reason - and any understanding of human nature, if you ever had any - in favor of claiming some sort of victim status for the male population.
Here's a common scenario adapted for the details the OP provided:
She was 15 when it occurred. They were basically children having sex. She knew she "wasn't supposed to be doing it," so in her eyes, she'd already done something bad.
Then her boyfriend - normally a very nice guy who she was madly in love with, because most teens are madly in love with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and whom everyone thought was a good guy - starts pushing her for sex when she doesn't feel like it. She says no. He keeps pushing. Maybe they're snuggling. Maybe they've been fooling around a little, groping a little, whatever. And he just keeps going. She doesn't try to fight him off or struggle because she's kind of shocked to have her will so completely ignored, and he like an ignorant teenage boy takes her silence for consent and figures he's "convinced" her to have sex with him. So he just keeps going.
Afterwards, she feels weird, but can't put her finger on why because SHE'S A CHILD. She doesn't recognize that the feelings she is having are feelings of violation, she just recognizes that she feels ashamed. Her boyfriend goes back to being the nice guy she always thought he was and acting like the guy she loves. She thinks it's an aberration and that it was her fault maybe because she didn't say no more forcefully or it was just a misunderstanding. And everything else is awesome, so why let that one incident that took place in under an hour ruin a good thing. And how could it be rape? He didn't beat her up or attack her from behind. She just stopped saying no. She really should have been more clear....
And thus she put it to the back of her mind rather than address the elephant in the room, but it was still there through every other sexual encounter she had after that, with him and every other guy after him. And she just doesn't quite trust that the guy she's with at any moment won't respect her boundaries. But later, as an adult - maybe when she's in her 20s - she thinks back to what happened and what she's deliberately pushed to the back of her mind, and considers what she's learned about life since, and she understands that yes, just because she stopped saying no and let him do what he wanted to do, it was still rape.
A lot of extrapolation in the above, but a plausible situation that fits with the OP's scenario.
Oh get over your poor oppressed male self. You're the one whose abandoned logic and reason - and any understanding of human nature, if you ever had any - in favor of claiming some sort of victim status for the male population.
Here's a common scenario adapted for the details the OP provided:
She was 15 when it occurred. They were basically children having sex. She knew she "wasn't supposed to be doing it," so in her eyes, she'd already done something bad.
Then her boyfriend - normally a very nice guy who she was madly in love with, because most teens are madly in love with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and whom everyone thought was a good guy - starts pushing her for sex when she doesn't feel like it. She says no. He keeps pushing. Maybe they're snuggling. Maybe they've been fooling around a little, groping a little, whatever. And he just keeps going. She doesn't try to fight him off or struggle because she's kind of shocked to have her will so completely ignored, and he like an ignorant teenage boy takes her silence for consent and figures he's "convinced" her to have sex with him. So he just keeps going.
Afterwards, she feels weird, but can't put her finger on why because SHE'S A CHILD. She doesn't recognize that the feelings she is having are feelings of violation, she just recognizes that she feels ashamed. Her boyfriend goes back to being the nice guy she always thought he was and acting like the guy she loves. She thinks it's an aberration and that it was her fault maybe because she didn't say no more forcefully or it was just a misunderstanding. And everything else is awesome, so why let that one incident that took place in under an hour ruin a good thing. And how could it be rape? He didn't beat her up or attack her from behind. She just stopped saying no. She really should have been more clear....
And thus she put it to the back of her mind rather than address the elephant in the room, but it was still there through every other sexual encounter she had after that, with him and every other guy after him. And she just doesn't quite trust that the guy she's with at any moment won't respect her boundaries. But later, as an adult - maybe when she's in her 20s - she thinks back to what happened and what she's deliberately pushed to the back of her mind, and considers what she's learned about life since, and she understands that yes, just because she stopped saying no and let him do what he wanted to do, it was still rape.
A lot of extrapolation in the above, but a plausible situation that fits with the OP's scenario.
Extrapolation? ? ? ?
More like a Drama Teacher/Fiction Writer...!
*balkins, sips his hot tea*
...you INTENTIONALLY left out the MOST PERTINENT Fact---->"she continued to date this guy and have sex with him!---> for YEARS !"
Since you're not a Detective *(by any stretch of the imagination) ....we're all guessing you're a Drama Teacher ???
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