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So sorry to hear this Ms. LowOnLuck. I really do hope that things change for you. That sounds frightening. I wish the courts dealt better with stalking, which can end very badly.
Thank you and I agree. I blame the courts for many of these issues. They need to stop the nonsense at the beginning.
From many of the stories that I've read and heard, usually one of three things happens:
1. Prior to marriage one person already knows that getting married isn't a good idea but they still go ahead with it anyway
They usually are ignoring red flags either because they believe that marriage having children will change the person
2. One person pretends to be someone they aren't
Untreated mental illness or trying to marry someone for the sake of having children, financial stability, etc.
3. One party's partcipation level in the marriage decreases
Let's themselves go physically, stops being affectionate, denies spouse of sex, develops chronic illness, develops terminal illness, etc.
Example from the comments below:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsRick24
I've seen several divorces in my time, I'm a divorced man myself. I should have seen the writing on the wall, as we'd begun fighting before we were even married! Naive as we were, my now former wife and I both thought that we could work out differences. Didn't happen. She ended our marriage 4 years later - left me while I was at a venue, went back to her home state.
My divorce was under such weird circumstances I still don't quite know how to talk about it.
I wanted the split to be amicable, but even though he left me, he blamed me for filing for divorce. Apparently I was supposed to stay married to a man who was such a coward he wouldn't come in the house unless it was clear I was already asleep. Then he left in the morning before I woke up. 7 days a week.
After the divorce, he switched to accusing me of harassing him. His definition of "harassment" was me mentioning to anybody else that I was divorced. He felt I was violating his privacy. Heck, I'm violating it right now. Yay!
All I can add is money, greed and most importantly lawyers, get in the way. The person you walked down the aisle with is not the same person you walk into a courtroom with.
This is one of the truest statements I've ever heard!!! I am thinking about cross stitching this on a throw pillow.
(I hope I have chosen the right forum for this question Mods.)
This is not happening to me, but to a friend.
They are fighting like cats and dogs. No kids, thank goodness. But I can tell if there were children involved, there would be a battle from hell, that would drag the kids through the dirt.
My wife and I are married almost 40 years now, and within the first year of our marriage, had a straight forward discussion that if we ever separated, that it would be peaceful and with no harm to the other. We agreed to always remain friends.
Sadly, I see so little of this in today's world. Children are dragged through courts, used as tools against the opposing spouse, lies are created against the other...etc. etc... it goes on and on the vindictivness and hatefulness of a marriage gone awry.
I think this must be a personality flaw. Something that was in that person from the beginning.
What do you guys think of divorce, and would you and your mate move along peacefully, or would it be all out war?
Things like that are very easy to say when young and in love. When a person has been lied to, cheated on, ruined financially, finds out their whole marriage was a sham, it's very difficult to have "peaceful" feelings toward someone who was supposed to be a lover and a friend.
I think after so long together the best thing one party can do after a divorce is leave town and start over again . yes it is hard and yes it will be upsetting at first , but could you imagine seeing that person walk down the street in the hand of someone else ? No in reality no I could not so that is why I say leaving town and the state maybe would be the best solution after the kids are grown of course . While they are young you must stay so that the other parent can see them without placing a hardship on the other parent . I agree whoever said the courts have added to the aggravation and hurt of divorce .
Did you agree to that?
How, pray tell, do you force someone to abide by the rules of that agreement?
My ex (gf, not wife, but we were together 7 years) was the last person I thought would go psycho upon our breakup. She was not materialistic at all, not a bitter person, not someone who turned to negative thoughts or found fault in others...very happy-go-lucky and polite and generous and thoughtful. We didn't even really fight like real fighting. Not a drop of animosity in that one. Got along with everyone. One of those people you'd look at and wonder, "How can you be so easy-going and accommodating?" Literally the nicest person everyone has met. My friends and family were floored that we broke up.
But when I broke up with her (not her choice, and she felt totally sideswiped out of nowhere), she lost her crap for a few weeks. I mean, totally lost it. I mean, yelling and screaming and vitriol from god knows where spewing from all directions. I stayed calm and just kind of listened while she piled abuse on me. She turned into someone I'd never met and could have never imagined. I literally hid my dog the day she moved out because I wasn't sure she wouldn't steal her. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine taking steps like that.
After she moved out, we didn't speak again for 6 months...and never again since (this was almost 11 years ago). Despite saying we'd always be friends, etc.
A mutual friend told me she was too embarrassed to contact me because of the way she lost it during those few weeks. Another said it had been too devastating a loss and she was dealing with it by pretending it never happened.
Who knows what the truth is?
The point is that you never really know how someone is going to react in a large, life-changing situation. Especially a negative one.
If she was so great, why did you break up with her?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,045,818 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood
All I can add is money, greed and most importantly lawyers, get in the way. The person you walked down the aisle with is not the same person you walk into a courtroom with.
Good thing that it is very rare that divorces ever go to court.
It's not that hard for me to be amicable during a breakup, because I am not a person who gets mad easily. In fact, since I'm not a "yeller," or a "thrower," or a vindictive person, it has often come as a surprise to people when they realize that yes, I am actually at the end of my rope with them, and hey - stick a fork in me, I'm done.
I'm talking about anyone - lover, family member, friend, coworker, customer. It's not that I don't communicate with people - it's that apparently some people don't listen unless they're being yelled at, or threatened, or blackmailed, or whatever. Homie don't play dat.
I do say, "Hey, I have a problem with ______ (fill in the blank). I am not going to tolerate this. If you insist on doing this, I am going to exit the relationship." (You can tweak that depending on the type of relationship, but you get the point.) I guess since I'm not yelling it at them, or throwing anything while I'm saying it, or crying, maybe they think I don't mean it? I don't know. I'm very clear on my parameters at the start of any relationship, intimate, personal, friendship, or business. But I'm very calm.
With my exhusband - I had warned him that I wasn't going to live with this particular behavior and that if he persisted, I was going to divorce him. So he persisted...and I got my act together and my plan together and one day, I made the call to the attorney to start the process of a divorce. Believe it or not, my soon to be ex happened to COME BACK HOME for something he had forgotten, right when I was making the call. I was in the bedroom so when I heard him I just went over and locked the door and continued my call. He came to the door and began to cry and call out, "Oh please don't do this, please don't - oh my gosh, I love you, I don't want a divorce, I'm so sorry, I'll change, I promise, I didn't know it had gotten to this point, I didn't mean to keep hurting you, I promise I'll straighten up OH MY GOD DON'T DO THIS DON'T TEAR US APART I LOVE YOU PLEASE STOP, " yadda yadda yadda.
I told the attorney, "Can you please hold on a minute? I'll be right back." Then I put the phone down and went over to the door and said, "______. Shut up. I'm on the phone."
Anyway, it's hard to argue with someone who won't argue back. By the time I'm leaving any relationship, I've already given the person every chance to respect my boundaries - probably more chances than they should have gotten but I prefer to err on the side of grace and forgiveness rather than just being hardball about it. But the thing is, then once I'm to that point, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've done all I can to salvage a relationship - of any sort. So if I leave a relationship, I don't feel guilt or remorse because I feel I've done all I can, and I'm pretty much past the emotional stage.
I don't hold a grudge, but when I'm done, I'm done.
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