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I wasn't sure where to put this topic but here we go.
My parents have been married for 21 years. I'm 20 years old. After this whole time and after having three kids, my parents are getting divorced.
It's a shock to me because I just found out my dad isn't the person I thought he was. I thought my parents would have been together forever since they're high school sweethearts.
I'm still shaking after the news they told me last night. I really don't know what to think, how my younger brothers are going to react, and where we're all moving to.
Anyone have advice on how to cope with this? I'm using school as a distraction, and my job to stay out the house. I just don't want to come home to a lot of drama.
It's really upsetting.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know it doesn't feel good. My parents divorced when I was 24. Honestly, the worst part of it was being there and trying to anticipate what was happening because the situation was changing. What I thought would be forever wasn't and there wasn't anything we could do, but move forward. It was a lot of stress at the time, but eventually you move through it and move on. There becomes a new normal and at some point you adjust and accept and be happy with it.
It was tough for me being the oldest. My younger siblings were still all at home and we were all affected, but in different ways. Hopefully, there won't be a lot of drama for you. With your parents in different houses, things might start to settle down a little bit and there will be less tension.
While I can sympathize and appreciate how upset you are hearing about the divorce; you'll need to realize your parents are just people and their marital problems have nothing to do with you or your siblings. It doesn't mean they love you any less; nor does it mean you'll be neglected.
My parents divorced with I was 15 and when I heard the news I was elated for them. Never thought about what it would do to me and my life; my concern was for them and their happiness. The divorce did not change anything between my parents and me . . or my siblings, life went on.
Hugs to you. It's hard to find out that parents are humans with faults and imperfections.
Try to be there for your younger siblings by doing things with just them. It's really okay for all of the siblings to talk to each other about this and express your sadness.
You will grieve for the "family" you're losing for some time I suspect, just as your parents and your siblings will. You will have a new reality as time moves forward. It won't be better or worse than the family you've known necessarily, but it will be different. Give it time.
Just wanted to add when I was in highschool as soon as my best friend turned 18 (the day after his birthday) his dad announced that he was divorcing his mom, moving across the country to live with his highschool sweetheart and that he had been supporting her financially and seeing her for the past 10 years. Everyone was shocked because they seemed like a happy family and the dad would take us cool places and just seemed 100% normal.
The dad should have left 10 years prior as it really confused my friend how his dad could be putting on a facade for so long. "Staying together for the kids" is often more harmful in the long run, especially when you're leading a double life and unhappy. Much better for the parents to be happy whether they are together or not.
Sorry about your parents. Try to get some therapy & confide in a close friend. Divorces are common but still very devastating so your feelings are normal. Be supportive towards both your parents & not blame any parent as its hard on both of them too. It is common for people to outgrow each other & want different things in life. Rather than staying together & blaming each other for missed opportunities, it is healthier to go your own way. Being in abusive relationship is horrible. Sensible people make a clean break & start all over again. Hurt feelings, tears, guilt, anger are phases of going through the separation. Look at it as being in a storm. Hold on tight to a support system (friends, therapy, job, hobbies) & you will be fine when the storm passes. Love & support your younger siblings. There are way worse things in life & all of you should stay positive. If you are religious then seek help from your religious institution by talking to someone there. Sometimes looking at the bigger picture makes your issues seem smaller in comparison.
It's always hard to know what to say to a couple who's divorcing. It's awkward enough when it's a friend, and must be much more difficult when it's your parents.
You mentioned finding out your dad wasn't the person you thought he was...your dad is only human and sometimes people make mistakes. Try not to blame everything on your dad. It takes two people working hard at it to make a marriage work, and unless you're one of them, it's impossible to know everything that went wrong and led up to the divorce.
When I was in high school, my dad had an affair with a woman in another state. My mother found out because the woman called to say she was in jail and needed my dad to bail her out. My mother broke out the windows in our house and then she flew to where the woman was so they could have a discussion. I was really upset with my dad for wrecking our family. I thought it was disgusting that he cheated. And then my mom decided to stay with him, and I thought she was weak for staying with him. That was my view on it as a child. As an adult, looking back on it, I can see that my mom always put her needs and wants far ahead of my dad's needs or wants, she belittled his job even though it paid the bills, she criticized his body constantly in front of us and everyone she knew, she slept on the couch 6 out of 7 nights a week, and most importantly, she ignored his mental illness and told him if he got treatment for it, he'd never be able to find a job again. I'm not saying your parents have any of that kind of stuff going on, I'm just saying there are two sides to every story, so please don't decide to hate your dad for whatever has happened...understand that parents are only human and we all do the best we can but sometimes we really mess up.
Also, being high school sweethearts doesn't guarantee that a marriage will work out. We all change over time. I got married when I was 18 and I'm a different person now than I was 19 years ago. My husband is a different person than he was too...we marry someone for the person they are right then and hope we'll continue to love the person they become. It's worked out for me, but it doesn't work for everyone. Sometimes people grow in different directions.
Your parents will always be your parents, even when they're not together anymore. Try to love them both if you can.
It must be awful; but do try not to judge either of them, including your Dad.
If you ever attempt Marriage you will find out how difficult it is.
Your mom and dad had what I call a Successful Marriage - they raised their children to think everything was wonderful. That is what everyone wants to do.
Sadly its not realistic and the bubble has burst for you. But remember, it burst for your parents a long time ago. They've probably been struggling on for years.
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