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It's a strange -- and complicated -- situation, so I'll try to cut to the chase rather than write a novel.
Basically, my only sibling, an older brother, married a woman who was an only child and Army "brat" who was raised in countries all over the world far away from any relatives and not having lived in any place long enough to make close friends. As a result (at least I assume this is why), she holds a view of "family" which is just her own little family. In fact, before they married and before she even MET us, she informed him that she was marrying him and not his family. To wit, when they married, she wanted no co-mingling of the two families and considered her family to be her parents and, then, her husband. When children came, it was her parents, husband, and children. Now that her parents have passed, it's her husband and children. That is: holidays are celebrated with THAT family and apparently not me.
For the twenty years my mother was around, she would accompany my brother to our family celebrations only under extreme duress, it seemed. She would refuse to eat the holiday dinner my mother prepared, making various excuses. She fed the kids before coming so that they wouldn't eat anything, either. Nice! Once the gifts for which she came (birthday or Christmas or Easter baskets) were in her possession, she made some excuse to leave (hair had to be washed or dog walked). The entire time they were there, while my brother visited with my mother and me, she would huddle in a corner knitting and seemingly pouting, answering in monosyllables when addressed by us.
Her mother (once her father passed) became a part of their family and was, in fact, the only one allowed to babysit the kids. If she couldn't or wouldn't, they didn't go. Not once were we asked.
(At this point you're thinking it must be us, but his former girlfriend had no such problem, so it's her.)
Finally, while my mother was ailing (for a total of ten years) and dying, not once did I hear from her, did she ask if she could help, or offer a word of sympathy. When she died, there was total silence from her and my (by then) grown nieces/nephews by her. Throughout this entire process, my brother and I were friendly, cooperative (he helped me care for her to some degree and was there for our mother at the end), and amiable re: the selling of the house/dividing of the estate, often getting together to visit.
(My brother's response to all this over the years? I can't control other people. True enough, I guess!)
I accepted that this was just how it would be. UNTIL my niece married, and I got an invitation. What? Amazing! I was thrilled. Attended the wedding, sat with the family, we all chatted warmly, hugs were exchanged, and I figured this was a new start, thanks to my niece. I would now have "family" again... Although they treated my poor mother like ****, I forgave them. Gave her a really nice gift, too!
Well, no such luck. Thanksgiving? They had family dinner, posted Facebook pics. I sat home alone. Christmas? Same, except for a visit from my brother after THEIR family gathering and photo session. My birthday? Silence, except for a visit and gift from my brother. Easter? It looks like they had a nice family dinner and baskets. The bunny didn't come to see me. :'( Mind you, they're one mile away.
Am sick of being ostracized for no reason and treated unjustly like a second-class citizen. "Shunning" is generally reserved for the worst of crimes, after all, and for good reason: it hurts. What would you do?
Last edited by otterhere; 03-28-2016 at 09:07 AM..
I have to tell you that, while this is not an excuse, I believe that a LOT of this has to do with her being an only child.
I am an only child, raised by only children, and my family of origin was VERY insular. The behaviors you described sound very familiar to me.
Like I said, it's not something that ALL only children do, and there is no excuse for rudeness. But consider for a moment that she really does not view "the family" the way you do.
The sibling relationship is completely foreign to her and not something she understands at all. It might be different if she were a gregarious person, but obviously no one taught her along the way how to be kind.
So be thankful your brother has maintained your relationship somewhat. Stop expecting his wife to live up to YOUR expectations. She never will.
I would continue to be nice to her. Maybe invite them all to your place on a regular basis. She has a social disorder causes her to fear other people. If you continually prove that you are not a threat to her and continue to provide non-threatening opportunities for her to get to know you, she may come around. If not, don't worry about it. She is suffering (from herself) more than you.
The niece - something of an extrovert, unlike her mother - has been enveloped by her husband's big, friendly family. My SIL is having jealousy issues with that, from what I hear, feeling that they're "pushy" and "take over." For instance, the search for the gown should not have included the bride's future MIL, SIL, or friends; it should have been "just them." So, as I say, I don't take this personally (it's not me), but it still hurts. It's also very embarrassing. Every holiday, people ask what I did. Nothing; sat home alone. Don't you have a brother? Yes. Doesn't he have a family? Yes. Do they live far away? No. It makes me look like a big loser and social pariah, frankly. As my mother used to say, "People must wonder what's wrong with us!"
The niece -- something of an extrovert, unlike her mother -- has been enveloped by her husband's big, friendly family. My SIL is having jealousy issues with that, from what I hear, feeling that they're "pushy" and "take over."
Very standard thought process for someone from an insular family who was moved from place to place many times during her childhood and who most likely was taught to think this way.
I'm not saying it's right, but it's what she thinks. So "shake your head" all you want, but do what you know is right and don't try to fix someone who's probably in her late 40s???
Almost 60 now, and I know she'll never change. But why be nice to me to my face (I engage her first whenever I run into her on the street; as I say, we live only blocks away) and then let me sit home alone and lonely on family holidays? I also know that my brother, hating conflict, will never change it.
I guess I wonder how to NOT feel hurt about this or let it affect my self-esteem every single holiday.
Almost 60 now, and I know she'll never change. But why be nice to me to my face (I engage her first whenever I run into her on the street; as I say, we live only blocks away) and then let me sit home alone and lonely on family holidays? I also know that my brother, hating conflict, also won't change.
I guess I wonder how to NOT feel hurt about this or let it affect my self-esteem every single holiday.
Work on your self-esteem.
You KNOW she is like this, and you know that she's not right, so make your own holiday plans and stop letting bitterness ruin YOUR holidays.
That old Carrie Fisher quote applies: "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
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