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My dad is in his 70's, has been on dialysis for over a year, lives by himself, and his health is deteriorating. My sister called me a couple weeks ago because she went to my dads for the easter holiday and during this time he told her that he has been referred to a cardiologist because there is fluid buildup around his heart. I guess this is something they found out by one of his dialysis doctors. He has shortness of breath and is coughing and extremely lethargic. Anyway, that was over three weeks ago. My sister is crying and upset about this because my dad will not make the doctors appointment. Me and my mom (his ex-wife) have called him and he keeps making all these excuses why he has not done it yet and for us not to worry. He lives in Virginia, I live in North Carolina, and my sister lives in DC, so we are not there to monitor him.
We are afraid that one day he won't answer the phone and will pass away. Any ideas why he won't make the appointment and what can we possibly do?? Why does he tell us he is sick and his heart is affected but won't go to the doctor? It makes no sense to me at all. I'm really afraid what may happen.
I wonder if calling Adult Protective Services would be helpful at all. Maybe someone here knows if that would be helpful or a bad idea. My thinking is that maybe they'd go check on him at least, and you wouldn't have to make the trip just yet.
My dad is in his 70's, has been on dialysis for over a year, lives by himself, and his health is deteriorating. My sister called me a couple weeks ago because she went to my dads for the easter holiday and during this time he told her that he has been referred to a cardiologist because there is fluid buildup around his heart. I guess this is something they found out by one of his dialysis doctors. He has shortness of breath and is coughing and extremely lethargic. Anyway, that was over three weeks ago. My sister is crying and upset about this because my dad will not make the doctors appointment. Me and my mom (his ex-wife) have called him and he keeps making all these excuses why he has not done it yet and for us not to worry.He lives in Virginia, I live in North Carolina, and my sister lives in DC, so we are not there to monitor him.
We are afraid that one day he won't answer the phone and will pass away. Any ideas why he won't make the appointment and what can we possibly do?? Why does he tell us he is sick and his heart is affected but won't go to the doctor? It makes no sense to me at all. I'm really afraid what may happen.
If your sister is so upset why doesn't she take a couple of days off of work and volunteer to go with him to the doctor. Just crying about it isn't going to do any good. Often, older people want the support of their loved ones when they get bad news (he is probably assuming that they are going to tell him that he has congestive heart failure and is dying). I bet by telling his daughter he was hinting that he wanted & needed her help and support.
Even though my mother was married, almost 100% of the time one of her adult children went with them to her major doctor's appointments & during surgery & hospitalizations during the last 10 years of her life.
BTW, her children all lived 4 to 8 hours away and were working fulltime at the time. But, loving adult children make the time for their elderly parents who need their help.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-10-2016 at 09:21 PM..
Yes, it sounds as though he knows he's going to hear bad news, and would rather not face it. Adult Protective Services doesn't handle these issues, they follow up on reports of senior abuse, and coordinate treatment for those who can not handle their own affairs, but they don't do wellness checks.
If your father failed to answer the phone, you could of course ask the local police to do a wellness check, but convincing him to see his doctor is really on you and your sibling. One of you should offer to accompany him to the appointment. Let him know how important it is for you to know that his health is being monitored.
Do you have contact information for any of his friends or neighbors who might drop in in the meantime?
If it is congestive heart failure, it can be treated and is not necessarily an immediate death sentence. It will slow him down and lower his energy, but if he paces himself, he can still do just about anything that is not too physically demanding and can still live a very full life. However, he will be at increased risk for stroke and heart attack, even with treatment, and should know the warning signs.
I agree - Virginia borders both Washington, D.C. and North Carolina, so you or your sister should go check on him and if possible accompany him to the doctor. A three-day visit should cover it and could be combined with a weekend for travel time.
I agree that one of you should go to the Dr. with him, and also that his condition doe not necessarily mean imminent death. My neighbor is also on dialysis and had similar symptoms. They changed his medications and his dialysis, which took off a lot of water, and he's doing much better. Now he is even able to walk his little dog!
If your sister is so upset why doesn't she take a couple of days off of work and volunteer to go with him to the doctor. Just crying about it isn't going to do any good. Often, older people want the support of their loved ones when they get bad news (he is probably assuming that they are going to tell him that he has congestive heart failure and is dying). I bet by telling his daughter he was hinting that he wanted & needed her help and support.
Even though my mother was married, almost 100% of the time one of her adult children went with them to her major doctor's appointments & during surgery & hospitalizations during the last 10 years of her life.
BTW, her children all lived 4 to 8 hours away and were working fulltime at the time. But, loving adult children make the time for their elderly parents who need their help.
Both me and my mom have already told him we would go with him to his appointment. We just need him to call and make the appointment. That is the step I'm talking about. We can't get him to do that. Now if he is willing to give me the name of the doctor over the phone, I'll make the appointment for him. But when I ask, he won't give it to me and just tells me not to worry. He keeps saying he has to finish his taxes and all this other stuff. We are there to support him, but he is making it very hard without taking any steps.
When my dad got sick, I made it a point to go with him and my mom to as many of his doctors appointments as possible. Both for support as well as to be a second set of eyes and ears to know what the docs were telling him. I took a lot of time off work and I would gladly have continued to do so for as long as he needed me. He passed away four years ago at the age of 70 and I am still hurting every day for the loss. But I would be even more so if I hadn't been there for him for all of those appointments and not knowing what was happening.
One or more of you kids is going to have to take control of the situation. Go to his house, find the doctors number and make the appointment. Go with your dad to the appointment so you are fully informed about the status of his health and what kind of recommendations are given for treatment. Tell your sister to stop crying and cowboy up because this is not the time to dissolve into a puddle of cry. This is the time to take control of the situation and do what needs to be done. All of you live close enough to where you can't use that as an excuse. It's not like you live across the country. One or more of you take charge and get him checked out and then keep up with the doc appointments or treatments or whatever comes next. You will regret it if you don't do this now because when he does pass away it will be too late to help him. Do it now while you are still able to spend time and be with him.
He lives in Virginia, I live in North Carolina, and my sister lives in DC, so we are not there to monitor him.
We are afraid that one day he won't answer the phone and will pass away. Any ideas why he won't make the appointment and what can we possibly do?? Why does he tell us he is sick and his heart is affected but won't go to the doctor? It makes no sense to me at all. I'm really afraid what may happen.
We're not talking about opposite ends of the country. You all live within a few hours drive of one another. If you're that concerned, take a couple days to drive to Dad and convince him in person to let you take him to the doctor.
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