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I recently had a co-worker ask me why I am so placid and content. She and I have worked together for about 7 years. Instead of just saying, "That's just my nature!" like I usually do, I thought about it and told her,
"My childhood was an absolute train wreck. Bullied at school, abused at home. Really no refuge at all. So, now that I have great kids, a good job and won the spousal lottery, every day is the best day of my life. I am one more day removed from my childhood."
She was shocked because I never spoke about my childhood and asked why I never mentioned it.
I recently had a co-worker ask me why I am so placid and content. She and I have worked together for about 7 years. Instead of just saying, "That's just my nature!" like I usually do, I thought about it and told her,
"My childhood was an absolute train wreck. Bullied at school, abused at home. Really no refuge at all. So, now that I have great kids, a good job and won the spousal lottery, every day is the best day of my life. I am one more day removed from my childhood."
She was shocked because I never spoke about my childhood and asked why I never mentioned it.
So sorry. I don't mean to trivialize the traumas of your life.
But, guess what? You are forgetting that, very likely, everyone on this forum has had serious life challenges, too. Big challenges. Betrayals of trust. Horror shows. Things that have knocked us down to the mat. I mean, you have zero idea what I've dealt with in my own life. And I'm thinking that Mr. Lang, my neighbor who was in the concentration camp, dealt with a fair ration of trauma in his day, too.
But the very fact that you recognize you have trust issues means that you know what you need to do. No, you can't take a pill for it. But the entirety of your future life and happiness is staked on managing somehow, someway to look forward rather than backwards. Your relationships with good and kind people. Your relationship with your own children.
And, in truth, you keep talking about multiple ways to handle one's past. This is true. But that doesn't preclude one from really trying, for understanding how one's attitude shapes one's future life. For the consequences of not doing so is a lifetime of misery. So, in the end, there is only one way. Forward.
Oh no, I didn't take your post as trivializing my experiences at all. Sorry, if I came across that way.
I just truly wonder how people are consistently positive when all that they have seen is negative.
And I do think that people are hard-wired that way, to a certain extent.
Good post, Booklover!
I too had a rotten childhood and many, many negative things growing up.
I just in recent years learned to say 'it's over, it's in the past'...but we hold on to what we know, some longer than others, some all their lives. It's like a bad habit, it's comfortable in a way...
But I feel being content and learning to leave it all behind, is better for you and others around you. It's not easy for some of us but we can try.
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I am very picky about who I spend time with and negative people are not included. I don't like drama, alcoholics, mean people, or crazy people. I spent many precious years trapped with dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic parents and all of that crazy drama that went with it. I'M DONE! I've paid my dues.
I have a wonderful marriage, many many loving friends, a lot of shorties, and many many animal friends that love me. This is a way better way to live then what I had to endure in my childhood. It's precious, appreciated, and must be protected. No exceptions.
That doesn't mean that I wouldn't help someone who is emotionally damaged that wanted to help them self. I would, as long as some very strict boundaries were respected. The ones I've tried to help along the way don't seem to understand that level of respect thus far. So see ya. Let me know how that dysfunction is working out for you. Well on second thought, keep it to yourself. I don't really want to know.
I just truly wonder how people are consistently positive when all that they have seen is negative.
And I do think that people are hard-wired that way, to a certain extent.
I agree that some people are more hard-wired to be happy.
Some people have chemical imbalances and really do need medication.
However, most of us spend a lifetime learning how our mindset contributes to our reality. We start out not even knowing this is true. Eventually, a lot of us figure it out.
While reading this thread, I clicked on a web site that has Angel Cards that you shuffle and choose. Guess which one came up for me?
I recently had a co-worker ask me why I am so placid and content. She and I have worked together for about 7 years. Instead of just saying, "That's just my nature!" like I usually do, I thought about it and told her,
"My childhood was an absolute train wreck. Bullied at school, abused at home. Really no refuge at all. So, now that I have great kids, a good job and won the spousal lottery, every day is the best day of my life. I am one more day removed from my childhood."
She was shocked because I never spoke about my childhood and asked why I never mentioned it.
Why? Because it's in the past, thank goodness.
Great read - it seems like you created the reality for yourself which you wanted. With or without professional help, plenty of people learn to overcome the adversities they have faced/traumas they've been exposed to. Some choose to steep in their depression, either not knowing that help is out there or perhaps because that is where they want to stay.
If someone wants to change, though, help is out there. If they don't want it, then status quo. No one is obligated to hang around and participate in that pity party, though.
"It's all about her? Why can't it be all about me?"
I always try to put myself last. It's so hard to do but, when you're around people who like to dominate the conversation it's really easy.
When people are negative I will point it out to them and then, every time they say something negative it's right there in the forefront. They'll start catching themselves.
"Being so negative is really unhealthy. I bet you have trouble sleeping." or if you're really tired of them "you're so negative. It's not healthy! I bet that's why you overeat!" "It's really hard to be around you when you're causing so much strife! Do you have any friends besides me?"
What really gets me is when people say, "Well, this is just my nature." And that gets them off the hook for EVERYTHING.
One of my kids tried to use that as an excuse for something. I told him, "Before you were born, I used to be a violent person. If I had your attitude and never worked to improve myself, you would be in foster care right now."
Then I made that mic-drop gesture. Cuz I'm so hip.
Have been bypassing and avoiding negative people for years. I surround myself with positive energy, optimism, and constructive behavior.
Everyone goes through rough spots - they are inevitable. How we approach those spots is what distinguishes who we are. I'm willing to be empathetic, will even give advice if it solicited. I've given and sought assistance at different points in my life.
If all I feel is emotionally drained because of all the 'woe is me' with someone, then I avoid that someone. I have family members like this. My psychologist's advice to me on this type of situation, when one must interact with Debbie Downers (like in the case of a family member) was to stick to platitudes and avoid deeper engagement. It has worked like a charm.
You have it right. It is OK to bring up the things we need help with or don't know what to do about. You can't find answers or help sometimes until you ask around or find someone that has come through the same thing. But what some don't get is that this is different from someone that just wants people to feel sorry for them and that is the focus. They are always down. They don't want to hear anyone's good news. If they do they want that person to feel guilty for having something good happen and immediately compare their bad life to it, bringing the focus of "poor me" back to them.
We all have it hard. I really do believe that. Tragedy is part of being alive. When people tell you good things for them, be genuinely happy for them. A Debbie Downer can't be.
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