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I was just casually wondering why them and why not any and/or all of the other neighbors?
My question stemmed from an experience relayed to me from a disabled friend of mine. Some people (she calls them do-gooders) will go out of their way to "befriend" her and offer help because she is disabled. They appear to believe they're doing her a favor.
Was just wondering if there was a touch of that going on.
Maybe OP is already friends with all the other neighbors and doesn't want to exclude these folks because they're deaf.
That's an idea, we could get better markers for ours. I don't know much about her situation except that it was obvious she was trying to tell us she couldn't hear us (I presume that smiles and waves conveyed our basic intent well enough). One reason to do it would be to figure out just how we'd go about communicating if there were some situation where time was of the essence, and that would include whether she could speak, lip read, and any other communication means she was comfortable with.
I guess half of it is that I'm pretty chicken to just barge over there with a writing mechanism in hand, unless I can be assured that I won't somehow cause unwitting offense. I know that the deaf community includes some strong views about stuff like cochlear implants, about whether deafness should be 'cured' or whether it should be looked at as needing curing, and what is good manners. I'll feel more confident the more input I can get.
I'm Deaf and grew up in the community. I should point out when referring to the community or that culture, it's a capitalized D (so Deaf Culture, Deaf community, Deaf person, Deaf school etc). Little d would refer to a hearing person with hearing loss but no connection to the community/culture.
Obviously don't bring up CI, and the other issues you mentioned as it's a loaded subject.
A Deaf person will appreciate effort and acknowledgment. A pen and paper is fine, a lot of the younger Deaf folks use their phone as notepads nowadays-- but that can suck as sometimes its too small to read and sometimes you'd have to take their phone to respond which can feel invasive.
Maybe OP is already friends with all the other neighbors and doesn't want to exclude these folks because they're deaf.
I love it when people have the ability to look at a positive, well-intended approach and see it for what it is. Thank you. You have the right of it: we are gradually making connections as best we can with the people near us, and this lady is not only the next one up the street, but is a newcomer (which means we are no longer the newest) and it would seem kind to welcome her. And if she happens to be Deaf, to put a bit of extra effort into it if that might make a difference.
I'm Deaf and grew up in the community. I should point out when referring to the community or that culture, it's a capitalized D (so Deaf Culture, Deaf community, Deaf person, Deaf school etc). Little d would refer to a hearing person with hearing loss but no connection to the community/culture.
Obviously don't bring up CI, and the other issues you mentioned as it's a loaded subject.
A Deaf person will appreciate effort and acknowledgment. A pen and paper is fine, a lot of the younger Deaf folks use their phone as notepads nowadays-- but that can suck as sometimes its too small to read and sometimes you'd have to take their phone to respond which can feel invasive.
Thank you very much. I don't yet know whether it's the upper or lower case situation here, but sounds safest to assume capital-D. Definitely no reason to get into the loaded stuff--seems to me like the kind of thing that comes up with close friends or fellow Deaf community members, not my place to bring up.
She looks middle age, like myself, so the pen and paper will probably be fine. I'll just wait until she's out in the yard, grab a pad and pen, walk by, write an introduction on the paper, and see how it goes. It's reassuring to know that has a reasonable chance of starting a friendly dialogue. We all have a safer and better community when we know each other.
Can you just bake her some cookies, put them in a tin, and write a nice welcome card? You can leave them on her doorstep. That would alleviate the awkwardness you feel about how to approach her. If she wants to approach you, she can do so in a way that makes her comfortable.
Generalization/stereotyping is always dangerous. Just because someone is from the South, you can't assume that he is Republican. Just because someone is evangelical Christian, you can't assume that he is conservative. Just because someone is tall, you can't assume he is good at basketball. The list goes on. Sometimes you get lucky and you are right on, but often your generalization/stereotyping may be way off. Also very often, even worse, whether you are right or not (even if you are right), you making that kind of generalizations can offend some people.
Just like any other group of people, there is a big spectrum in the D/deaf population. In my opinion, we make bigger mistakes (and make them uncomfortable or possibly offend them) by making some kind of assumptions about them based on cursory observations or shallow knowledge as an outsider. If you don't know about them well, don't pretend you do after some quick homework, but just show you care about them as neighbor--be kind, show your willingness to learn about them, don't be imposing, etc. You don't need to ask an expert about how to communicate with them. Common sense rules. Pen and paper, or a smartphone/tablet. Or do whatever way they want to do. Don't be surprised or disappointed if they turned out to be more reserved than you had anticipated. Don't take it personally. If so, just step back and let them know you leave an open invitation, whenever they feel comfortable, then can come.
Back to being "safer to assume capital-D," it's an unnecessarily risky position to take. If you are lucky, it's alright, but otherwise it could get easily awkward. Some deaf people have strong objection to the Deaf, as much as Deaf people have against hearing people. That totally depends on the individual. As I said above, the safest way is, just NOT assume anything but just try to learn about them without a preconceived notion. Frankly, if I may assume something here, you probably don't know what the capital-D really means--the reason I say this is... even within the Deaf community, I have seen many people having somewhat "shaky" ideas about it.
Who am I? Well, I can just say ...I'm someone in a love-hate relationship with the Deaf community.
Yeah, I did some reading, and it's clear there are complexities that are beyond my scope. There are just the two choices, big D and little d, and if I have to communicate in writing by hand, got to pick one. Rather pick the one that suggests I did some homework (I think I have, here and beyond).
It may seem more obvious and natural to one with knowledge of the community, but one might imagine oneself flying fairly blind and wanting to make an extra effort not to mess up. In such a case, one might well try the question in an atmosphere where the actual impact of hearing ability or lack thereof is zero. I appreciate the input. And whatever happens, not everything is because she's deaf and I'm not, or because I'm somehow tactless. People have bad days. People are who they are. This I get.
But while getting that, as I see it, if I don't stack my odds and avoid the obvious faux pas, then shame on me.
Yeah, I did some reading, and it's clear there are complexities that are beyond my scope. There are just the two choices, big D and little d, and if I have to communicate in writing by hand, got to pick one. Rather pick the one that suggests I did some homework (I think I have, here and beyond).
I think you're way overthinking this and should consider the minx's suggestion. I'm trying to imagine a situation where you'd need to differentiate in writing between d/Deaf, or discussing CI, while introducing yourself to the neighbor. "hi, we're the jkk family and we noticed you are Deaf“?
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