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I think your father is at the root of the problem.
He's not stupid - surely he sees how the one daughter domminates and pushes you out of things but you said - he doesn't want to get into it.
I think as long as he allows this dysfunction - things will remain as they are because he is fine with the family dynamic it stands.
To tell the truth - it sounds like the one sister has some kind of 'vested' interest in being so close to your father and your father sounds like he could be a bit .. depressed. But life is for the living!
Sorry to say - I would just back off and get on with my life. Stop visiting or communicating with your father completely, See what happens. Test this for a month or so - I'll bet he never tries to contact you and would be fine with your non-presence. So right there - you know he's not so interested in having you around so take the hint and close the door on that relationship. I know that sounds hard ... but you can't MAKE your father treat you the way you would like and you see how your sibling is going to behave so ... there it is.
If he DOES call you after a month - tell him how you feel point blank - but he already knows how you feel. He's just not so interested.
Sometimes parents don't do what they are suppose to do - but to me it's silly of you to spend your time trying to FORCE your way into a situation where clearly you are not wanted.
Have a good cry .. and stop trying to contact that part of your family. Sadly, I'll bet they won't even miss you.
I'm glad you can see what you're up against. That is half the battle right there.
Mental clarity will only help you in such a situation. Confusion and denial will only make you weaker.
The sentence I bolded is your key issue. If you want those relationships to stay strong over the next few decades, then YOU are going to be the one who has to make that happen.
One simple thing you should start doing is to never speak negatively about her to your father. He is not going to pick sides, and if you are the one complaining, then it can start to look like YOU are the problem, and she might use that as leverage against you.
I don't talk negatively about her with family. I will ask how they are doing (Stacy and Julie) when I talk with my dad on the phone, but I do not talk negatively about her to him. I have talk with him about feeling left out and how my kids especially feel left out, but it was more in general, not just directed at her. My dad will call me every couple of weeks, it's not like he completely brushes me off and wants no relationship with me.
I have asked Stacy, but she doesn't want to get in the middle of anything, but will sometimes give me hints at things not to say to Julie. I have tried to get her to do more, but she won't and I don't want her in the middle of things, but it also feels like I am starting to lose the relationship I have with her. I really believe it has to do with jealousy. For instance I bought a new treadmill and Stacy told me not to tell Julie because she would be mad. Julie is not married, no boyfriend and her children are adults away from home. Our mom died years ago.
How bizarre that your sister said you couldn't tell Julie you got a new treadmill or she would be mad. Does Julie not make enough money to afford something like that?
I think your father is at the root of the problem.
I think as long as he allows this dysfunction - things will remain as they are because he is fine with the family dynamic it stands.
From my perspective in a similar family dysfunction, he is, but that doesnt help OP. Julie seems to be the elephant in the room no one addresses. She takes care of him like a second wife, he knows what side his breads buttered on.
How bizarre that your sister said you couldn't tell Julie you got a new treadmill or she would be mad. Does Julie not make enough money to afford something like that?
I was going to ask about the very thing. If that would make someone angry then I think something is wrong with them. That's psycho and really none of her business.
I too am one that thinks you are looking for a way to change something you can't change. I think as long as your dad is OK and happy and she isn't a threat to him in any way there is nothing for you to try and do. If he is well and in his right mind then who he lets into his life and how much is up to him. You aren't the only one here that has had to accept a family situation for what it is and move on. See him when and however you can, but if he doesn't want to change it what can you do?
One thing you don't have to do is take any abuse from Julie should it start to go that way. Like, walking on eggshells around her and being afraid to mention your treadmill is just ridiculous. You shouldn't have to be afraid to be you.
I was going to ask about the very thing. If that would make someone angry then I think something is wrong with them. That's psycho and really none of her business.
I too am one that thinks you are looking for a way to change something you can't change. I think as long as your dad is OK and happy and she isn't a threat to him in any way there is nothing for you to try and do. If he is well and in his right mind then who he lets into his life and how much is up to him. You aren't the only one here that has had to accept a family situation for what it is and move on. See him when and however you can, but if he doesn't want to change it what can you do?
One thing you don't have to do is take any abuse from Julie should it start to go that way. Like, walking on eggshells around her and being afraid to mention your treadmill is just ridiculous. You shouldn't have to be afraid to be you.
She has always felt that I have had it easy in life and never had to struggle, especially financially. I will admit that my hubby and I are very fortunate financially, but that wasn't always the case. She seems to forget that part of things. And just because you are comfortable financially doesn't mean that things are all wonderful and no issues in a person's life.
I do walk on eggshells with her and end up with headaches after being with her, even if I am only there for a day. I try not to let her get to me, but it doesn't always work.
Thank you all for your thoughts and ideas. I do appreciate the support.
She has always felt that I have had it easy in life and never had to struggle, especially financially. I will admit that my hubby and I are very fortunate financially, but that wasn't always the case. She seems to forget that part of things. And just because you are comfortable financially doesn't mean that things are all wonderful and no issues in a person's life.
I do walk on eggshells with her and end up with headaches after being with her, even if I am only there for a day. I try not to let her get to me, but it doesn't always work.
Thank you all for your thoughts and ideas. I do appreciate the support.
Bingo. This is about jealousy, and quite possibly thinking you don't deserve/need your dad's attention/love and/or estate because you are comfortably settled with a husband/family and finances of your own. She doesn't want you to get anymore because she perceives that you have plenty. She's jealous. That's where the hogging dad behavior comes in. She sounds very toxic.
There is a lot of jealousy on her part because I was a lot younger and she feels I have been given everything on a silver platter. I am and have admitted to both Julie and Stacy that I am jealous of their close relationship. Things were very different for them when they were little, my parents were only married for less than a year when they were born and only my dad worked. When I was born both my parents were working and it was 10 years later.
I think that explains the original source of your sister's resentment. As a young child she was raised with a different parenting style than you were. Money would have been tighter with only your father working and that probably was reflected in the price of presents given, types of family outings, etc. She saw you enjoying things she wished she could have had. It felt unfair to her. She resented it and was jealous. Maybe in her child mind it "proved" they loved you more.
Then too, because your mother had less time to spend with you than she had had with with her older children, I'm sure she tried to make up for it when she wasn't working. At your young age of course you needed her attention a lot more than her older daughters.
I am very surprised that after so many years your sister is still unable to understand the situation with adult eyes and recognize that none of this was your fault.
She has always felt that I have had it easy in life and never had to struggle, especially financially. I will admit that my hubby and I are very fortunate financially, but that wasn't always the case. She seems to forget that part of things. And just because you are comfortable financially doesn't mean that things are all wonderful and no issues in a person's life.
Can you PLEASE explain this to my mother??? Yes, my husband makes a decent living. We have a small house and a really nice vehicle. We do not live in a mansion. Don't drive BMW's or Maserati's. We take vacations and rent small cabins. We don't have children so we can spend our money on us. She has this strange idea that we're in the 1% and are millionaires! Just because you make a decent living doesn't mean you don't have financial issues. It's been a year and we're still paying on my husband's 2 ER visits from last summer. I now know how there are so many medically bankrupt people out there!
So THAT'S your sister's stake in this whole thing.
She is holding your father hostage to pay you back for being more financially successful. She has problems that aren't gonna change.
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