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My Mom was very critical of me, and very much so toward my children. Therefore during their childhoods I didn't spend the money to fly them out, to be treated badly. She never considered coming here.
Last year my Mom started a rapid decline and I flew from the west coast to the east monthly to visit & help care for her. I explained the situation to my boss and took the necessary time off. It took a day of flying each way, and I stayed in a hotel & rented a car. I made a mini-vacation out of these visits. Sleeping late, nice breakfast followed by a short visit. When the subjects turned ugly I just left, went back to the hotel for a swim & nap and returned later to take her out to dinner.
Yes, it was expensive and at the end of 5 months she died. Now it is a year later and I am not noticing the loss of funds or vacation time. It was not a fun time and there was no "meaningful apologies or issues resolved" and I'd rather have been on a cruise ship but I'm glad in hindsight that I made the effort.
Good luck in your decision, there is no right answer. This was my path & it feels complete.
No right or wrong here. You don't even have to tell us your decision.
Just think of all the possible outcomes, and which one will leave you without regrets.
Feel what you feel, and don't judge yourself.
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One thing I still regret is not going to see my grandmother in the hospital while she was on her death bed. It still really bothers me 11 years later. I told myself I couldn't allow myself to see her in that sort of condition which was really just a cop out and I should of said a proper goodbye.
I'm not one to feel guilty but I just know I screwed up in that situation. There are just right and wrong ways to go about tumultuous situations and usually the easiest way is wrong.
Don't go. The fact that he is sick and might die doesn't matter. You won't feel guilty about not seeing him if he does die because you can call him on the phone and talk to him, or Skype, but I don't do that.
What is it about an in person visit that is so much better then keeping in touch in other ways? I don't see an advantage except that you would be travelling across the country and trapped in his clutches.
I am not insulting your dad. Nobody is perfect and alcoholics aren't perfect parents. I don't blame people for their shortcomings but the present is what would concern me. Presently he is a bible thumping preacher man who would harrass you if you stayed with him. Why can't you just call him for your weekly dose?
I will tell you that I wasn't there when my mom died. I was on vacation and I knew she might die, but I had to go with my family because it was for the safety of my children. I didn't regret that because it was what I had to do and I didn't know for sure what the outcome was going to be. It wasn't a sure thing before I left and we were in a remote area with no communication. I knew I did the right thing. If it were me dying, I would want my children to do the right thing also and not see me go through that.
I had a friend visiting when his dad died in another state and he had a choice, but we thought it would be better if he didn't go back. The circumstances were very stressful and he would have added to it. He said his goodbyes over the phone. That was the right thing to do in that case.
Your dad isn't dying yet and maybe you will make it to that event.
One thing I still regret is not going to see my grandmother in the hospital while she was on her death bed. It still really bothers me 11 years later. I told myself I couldn't allow myself to see her in that sort of condition which was really just a cop out and I should of said a proper goodbye.
I'm not one to feel guilty but I just know I screwed up in that situation. There are just right and wrong ways to go about tumultuous situations and usually the easiest way is wrong.
Wrong for you perhaps but not wrong for others. The dynamics of a relationship is only known to those involved in that relationship and they are the only one who knows what is right or wrong for them.
Personally, there isn't enough money on this planet to pay me to go and see the alcoholic, abusive donor I had. He died in 2002 and neither me nor society has missed him.
Wow. You seem like a very kind and generous person Recycled. No one can tell you what to do in this situation. You'll just have to follow your heart. All I can say is that you must have a special gift to forgive and forget. That's one I never developed. Especially when it came to my dysfunctional parents and their alcohol fueled antics.
If you really don't want to go, then don't. If you're going because of some obligatory reason, then think twice. There is nothing wrong with treating someone exactly the way they deserve to be treated. Even if it goes against your good nature.
I'd go. You may not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but he is still your dad. If he's sick, think about if he died and you didn't go to see him, you'd be thinking "I should have gone"
I am starting a new job at end of Sept. I live all the way across the country from my father. He really wants me to visit before I start my new job because I probably won't have much time off for quite a while being the "low man on the totem pole." He is in poor health and has been for the past 5 years or so. We also have had a very tumultuous relationship over the years ... he was an abusive alcoholic through my childhood, went to jail about 10 years ago (I did make trips to see him twice during those years), and now that he is sick, he has turned extremely religious and tells me he thinks I and my sister are going to he** because we are not believers (Maybe important to note that he was raised in the church and started preaching at 11 years of age in a Pentacostal church because his grandma wanted him to.)
If I am honest with myself, I'd rather spend these last couple weeks of freedom getting things ready at home and spending time with my hubby and friends. However, I feel almost obligated to visit him too, esp. because he is in such poor health.
The ticket across country at this point looks to be at least 500+ dollars, but I can afford it if I decide to go.
I know no one can tell me what to do... but I am wondering if anyone has had a similar situation in the past. What did you do? Did you regret your decision? I know that if he dies and I don't visit, I'll probably feel bad...but I also know that visiting him and spending our family's money to be berated for not being a better person will pis* me off, esp considering how he acted most of my life.
Thank you all for your input.
I was all for you going when you said he was in poor health and has been for 5 years, and of course we all know when you start a new job you can't take time off.
Than I read on, I am sorry you went through that.
I lost my dad in 2013, but he was a wonderful man who was also in ill health the last couple of years.
I don't think any of us can tell YOU what to do, but perhaps if he had asked forgiveness for him being a horrible father, but instead you're going to hell?
Susan Atkins(Manson Family) became a Christian in prison, so what. She told Sharon Tate who begged for the life of her unborn child(she was due in 2 weeks) "b**ch I have no mercy for you", people don't change.
Bible thumpers are the worst.
If it was me, I wouldn't go. Toxic people you avoid, doesn't matter if you're related or not.
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