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If you came from blue collar family, struggling with money or settling for cheaper things in life. You got education and made it out of that economical class: have white collar job with strong middle class income. Do you feel obligated to give to your siblings & parents who didn't get the opportunity? If so how do you balance between giving and improving your own situation.
After all you are not rich, you are richer than other family members but you are still middle class. I am asking this specifically to people in their late 20's and early 30's, when you are still establishing yourself. By that age, most already have secure career but are just starting out building asset: buying house/car/stocks/401K..etc. Bulk of your expense are ahead of you but you also realize if you don't give now, you never will because expense will keep increasing & the status difference between immediate family will continuously get bigger.
My spouse and I are generous with family, because we choose to be. Not because it's expected. My parents were there for me, I enjoy being there for them. My spouse feels the same re: family.
We both grew up pretty blue collar and both agree that one of the best things about being financially comfortable is having the freedom to generously gift and donate and treat as we choose.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,758,476 times
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Obligated? Hell no.
Would I? Hell no. The same people who referred to me and my mother as the uppity _____ because we moved away for economic opportunity will not get one dime of the fruits of our labor since they disrespected us when we moved to make that money.
Obligated? Hell no. Although my parents and I are on good terms (took a while to get there.. and only after I moved out) they understand that I am were I am because of my own accord. However, I do need to respect the fact that they are my parents and had good intentions.
My parents know that at some point in their lives they will need my help. As such, I do get a say so. At this time, I'm having an issue with my adult unemployed brother smooching off of my parents who are in retirement. Every penny he spends is potentially a penny they don't have towards the end... a penny I will have to pay out of my pocket.
So while I do not feel obligated, I'm not going to watch my parents mistreated towards the end of their lives. As such, I am very much connected to them.. thus obligated in that sense.
Now... how do I convinced my parents to kick my brother out or force him to pay his own way? Ugh.
My father - a career Marine Corps aviator - did not make much while on active duty but did quite well for himself, my mother and much younger brother after he retired and went to work in the aerospace industry. My parents both died within a year of one an other and relatively young. I was 45 when the last of them went. They had no need for our assistance.
Between us my wife and I have seven children and 16 grandchildren. Yes, we've helped a number of them out over the years. Being a parent and grandparent is a life sentence. We do what we can to the extent we're comfortably able when the need arises. It's no big thing. It's just something we do from time-to-time.
I think if enough people respond, you're going to see a cultural divide. Those who came to the U.S. from other parts of the world often do feel obligated and that it is expected of them.
Me? Nope. I've seen enough of the family's "help" and the havoc it wreaks. I've a 40 year old niece who will never have a career or a retirement because certain people would never let her stand on her own two feet. Speeding ticket? Aw, Grandma will take care of that, sweetie. Driving uninsured? No problem! Just let Grandma know who to make the check out to. Lost your apartment? Sure, you and your loser boyfriend can move in with Grandma. And then Grandma's surprised when they use her for free room and board and refuse to lift a finger around the house.
Grandma, by the way, is living on Social Security.
The only people I would help are those who are already making an effort to better themselves. Can't say I've seen many of those in my family.
Your question is really difficult to answer because it depends on a lot of things like:
How close you are with your family
How they treat you
How they handle money
Are they struggling because they arent handling their finances responsibly?
For what exactly is the money?
How much money you want to give
I come from a working class background, and three out of us four sisters made it into solid middle class. We were taught that people, in most cases, choose what kind of life they want and either accomplish it or not, usually according to the amount of work and sacrifice they put in to achieve it. (Of course, that is not always the case, as misfortune beyond one's control can happen to anyone.)
So, because of how I was raised, I take a very hard stance about helping anyone who made poor choices in life. They made their choices for themselves, and as I had nothing to do with those choices, why should I be forced or expected to help support them?
However, to be absolutely clear, I am ONLY talking about those people who could have had a better life, but chose not to do so by being lazy and/or by making poor choices (for example, dropping out of high school, choosing to try meth, or having kids that they could not afford). I certainly do NOT object to helping anyone who is poor due to circumstances beyond their control -- and that includes the young children of irresponsible parents. As I have said repeatedly, I don't believe that young children should suffer for any reason.
I think if enough people respond, you're going to see a cultural divide. Those who came to the U.S. from other parts of the world often do feel obligated and that it is expected of them.
Me? Nope. I've seen enough of the family's "help" and the havoc it wreaks. I've a 40 year old niece who will never have a career or a retirement because certain people would never let her stand on her own two feet. Speeding ticket? Aw, Grandma will take care of that, sweetie. Driving uninsured? No problem! Just let Grandma know who to make the check out to. Lost your apartment? Sure, you and your loser boyfriend can move in with Grandma. And then Grandma's surprised when they use her for free room and board and refuse to lift a finger around the house.
Grandma, by the way, is living on Social Security.
The only people I would help are those who are already making an effort to better themselves. Can't say I've seen many of those in my family.
Excellent points, especially the bolded.
Due to a wide variety of reasons, I'm the "poor one" in my family. Do I begrudge that my brother is a multi-millionaire? Heck, no. He worked hard for that money & deserves it. When my family has been in tight financial situations he has loaned me/us money (sometimes with no interest and sometimes with very low interest) and I have paid back every single dime. In one case it took me several years, but I paid the loan back in full. There is great satisfaction in being able to do that.
But, if the absolute worst happens, I know that he and my other siblings would never let me/my family starve or be homeless.
I especially do NOT feel that young adults (late 20s/early 30s) have any obligation towards helping family members. Losing a job, a serious illness or disability, having a child with a handicapping condition, having more children than you planned to have or other emergency could easily wipe you out financially for many, many years. Also, look at some of those charts about saving for retirement. Putting away $1,000 now means that you won't have to put away $10,000 later to have the same amount in retirement.
Now, it may be different if you were older,well established in your careers, have substantial retirement savings and have helped your own children/grandchildren with college and other expenses.
Of course, IMHO, helping your parents with emergency finances & caregiving is a totally different situation.
I suspect that siblings are bugging you to give them money. If you give in now, it may never stop and you will be giving them money forever & you may never get ahead. But, maybe you could help in other ways. When I was a poor college student and my older sister was in her late 20s & her hubby was in his late 30s, when I would visit them they would pay my admission to any event that we attended together or they would pay for my meal when we all went out to eat. These were things that I would not have been able to afford at the time. That is one way to help your siblings.
Or babysitting your niece or nephew for free so that your sibling can get a weekend job or take a class at college or the technical school so that they can improve their own life.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-18-2016 at 11:16 AM..
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