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He (FIL) is 72. He moved in two months ago. He hid an anxiety disorder from us and drives us nuts. He worries CONSTANTLY and copes by repetitive questions. He panics about the weather. It snowed8 inches/freezing rain overnight and he's been to a&w, Walmart, now home hardware, and is panicking about hurrying up to get steaks for dinner (it's 8am and the BBQ is covered in frozen rain).
My spouse works overnights. He refuses to respect his need for day sleep (buzz saw at 6am in garage). He came from Eastern time zone and still starts his day at 3am - while complaining nothing's open until 6am.
I don't think it's going to work. But he's older and alone. He's been good to us but clearly wasn't being honest about his capabilities. We bought a house with a full suite to accommodate him!!
I don't know what to do. I am wondering if I need to find a social worker.
A couple of things. What was his response when you both spoke to him about the issues?
Have rules for living together been discussed clearly and perhaps written down for use later to refer to?
Clearly the need for sleep for your spouse is a critical thing and needs to be addressed each and every time. This is the real deal breaker. Two months is more than enough time to reorient to the current time so I dont think that should be used to excuse his behavior. Have you established quiet times for the house and posted the rules in and out of his sleeping area and perhaps door around the house? Does he have ear phones to silence the tv so others can sleep if he wants to watch it?
Finding a person with experience working with seniors to help you is a great idea. This is not a new issue and they might have some creative ideas. His doctor might be able to help with the anxiety issue if it is clearly harming his ability to deal with normal life.
So much of this is depending on your communication of clear needs and responsibilities. Passive Aggressive is not going to work.
We had a talk at the 3 week mark, it worked for a day or two, now back to the same. It's 9am btw and he's out at store #5 (keeps returning in between stops), snow storm still going. We knew he seemed very panicky but didn't know why.
Last year, his then-girlfriend mentioned his anxiety was driving her crazy (this is GF of 20 years). She sent him packing this summer and he's here now. So, that's what it was. It's some kind of anxiety disorder.
I guess we'll have to have another family meeting and bring up the need for an evaluation. Yes, we talk about quiet times. He disregards it minutes later. He panics about having to keep busy. It seems he cannot stop himself.
He needs to be medically evaluated. There are also useful suggestions on how to cope in the link above.
I agree that he needs a full medical and neurological evaluation as soon as possible.
And, don't just let his primary care physician give him one of those "mini cognitive exams" and say that he is perfectly fine. My husband could easily pass every one of those "mini exams" for at least eight years after he had an official diagnosis of brain damage, including actual changes to his brain as shown on X-rays & CAT scans. Eight years!
Even now, ten full years after my husband's initial diagnosis of brain damage, and after a Traumatic Brain Injury that caused substantial additional damage, and needing 24/7 supervision/care my husband can still often pass those "mini cognitive exams" in the doctor's office. So, you can tell that I do not believe that they are very accurate at all.
Thank you. We are in Canada (hence the October blizzards) but I'll talk to my H about what kind of exam to propose.
Since my original post, he's been back to the butcher and is now chopping wood in the driveway. It's still a blizzard. And his fireplace is electric. This is not normal, right?
Thank you. We are in Canada (hence the October blizzards) but I'll talk to my H about what kind of exam to propose.
Since my original post, he's been back to the butcher and is now chopping wood in the driveway. It's still a blizzard. And his fireplace is electric. This is not normal, right?
I was wondering where you could have so much snow.
In the states you would have a Neuro-psychological exam, sometimes that is done through a neurology department in a hospital. Some hospitals also have special sections that focus on Alzheimer's & dementia diagnosis and treatment.
Of course, start with getting a full medical workup as some problems like that can have a medical cause.
Thank you. We are in Canada (hence the October blizzards) but I'll talk to my H about what kind of exam to propose.
Since my original post, he's been back to the butcher and is now chopping wood in the driveway. It's still a blizzard. And his fireplace is electric. This is not normal, right?
Her case was assigned to someone who came to our home (my mother had moved in with me) to do an evaluation of her mental state and possible physical issues related to living in my home e.g. staircase. This person is sort of like a social worker for the elderly. She is trained to administer a simple 10-15 minute memory test (similar to what her family doctor did a number of times) and knows what resources for help are available. When the time came, she arranged for the authorization to move my mother to a facility. Before that she had offered several hours a week of free home care because of certain problems I was encountering.
This thread should really be moved to the Caregiving forum. Someone there may be familiar with your FIL's symptoms.
Edited to add: If your father is taking steroids for any reason, that could explain the hyperactivity.
We had a talk at the 3 week mark, it worked for a day or two, now back to the same. It's 9am btw and he's out at store #5 (keeps returning in between stops), snow storm still going. We knew he seemed very panicky but didn't know why.
Last year, his then-girlfriend mentioned his anxiety was driving her crazy (this is GF of 20 years). She sent him packing this summer and he's here now. So, that's what it was. It's some kind of anxiety disorder.
I guess we'll have to have another family meeting and bring up the need for an evaluation. Yes, we talk about quiet times. He disregards it minutes later. He panics about having to keep busy. It seems he cannot stop himself.
Patience is warranted. I know it is not easy, but imagine how it is for him too.
Your husband may need to use ear plugs and white noise, surely you haven't tip toed around the house all day.
Using power tools, simply lock them up. He is driving? So, he is somewhat independent....perhaps a senior housing situation? You are close enough to keep a check on him now.
How have his Dr. visits been? Did you get anything signed to be able to discuss his medical needs? He needs a full evaluation, and perhaps a counseling referral for depression and anxiety. Sounds like some antianxiety meds might be in order.
Have you introduced him to the local senior center, so that he has somewhere to go and meet other seniors? He has a lot of energy, he is likely bored to tears and trying to compensate for having to be a "burden" by doing the things he can do...In his mind he is helping. His generation will always feel a burden, they were raised to be independent.
Sounds like his girlfriend got fed up with him....But who really knows, maybe her benefits kicked in and she didn't need his anymore?? He's likely depressed from her sending him to you. That's a lot to deal with at any age.
It might be good for him to get involved in somewhere to volunteer. Check with your local Senior Services organization regarding many other type volunteer situations.
He might do well looking after others, i.e. driving other seniors to activities, stores and such. Perhaps tinkering on rehab projects, etc.
Heck, just having him visit the local senior nursing home would benefit him and the men there.
Men are the hardest N.H. residents to get involved in the programs, because programs are often geared more to women. A healthy fellow senior to talk fishing and hunting and tools with would spark the day of your FIL and the residents.
You could contact the soc. service director of your local facility and help your FIL get involved in a productive way.
Believe me, there are many ways to put him into a volunteer situation which would be an equal blessing for him and for the residents.
He sounds lucky to have so much energy and independence, he just needs somewhere to focus this, and some guidance with how to find that somewhere. His being involved somewhere would resolve many issues, including his sleep pattern because he would be tired after doing something productive....and less worried.
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