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I think I would immediately 'downgrade' this 'friend' to mere acquaintance if nothing else.
I cannot quite see what you do see in her since although you said she 'could be fun', it all has to be on her terms. How is that fun if it is always that way? And she ignores your husband? How is that 'friendly'?
What are your expectations of/qualifications for 'friendship'? What do you expect of yourself and what do you expect of a friend? What makes someone a friend, in other words?
For me, friendship is a 2 way street. I have to enjoy the person's company and they have to enjoy mine. I would not ever impose on a friend and I would treat my friend's family with great respect and courtesy. I would expect a true friend to do the same with me. I would expect a real friend to be able to 'keep secrets and not judge', just as that is what I would offer him/her in return. I also expect honesty and fairness from a friend, and give the same. If there was ever a real need, I would be there for that friend, and while I would hope never to have to call on my friend, I would hope they would care enough to be there for me too.
Not sure how the above can all happen if the relationship is very lopsided as yours with this 'friend' of yours sounds as though it is. You may want to re-evaluate the 'value' and reality of this particular relationship.
It is nice to have someone to 'confide in' from time to time, someone you feel truly understands you but who may be outside your romantic relationship. But, if you don't, you will be fine. And just like 'love relationships' I think we most often find what we are hoping to have if we don't seek it too desperately .. if we just live our lives .. build it and they will come ... even at your age (I am nearly there myself). Good luck.
I'm a 70 year old woman and I don't have a lot of friends.
I met this woman (age 60) at work and we had a lot in common except I'm married and she is single.
I've known her for about 10 years.
I know that she has some odd ways, for example she is very quick to make snap decisions. She will quit a professional job for another one and quit the new one in a month or so if she perceives someone doesn't like her or is talking about her. I'm talking Master's Degree level jobs so you know in your 50's - its not that easy to get a job on that level. She has done this 3 times in the last 5 years. Quit a job, moved to a new location for a job and then quit the new one for, seemingly, very small reasons. These are jobs that pay over 60k.
She has difficulty getting along with people when she doesn't get her way like employers, governing boards, landlords, etc. - anyone who has authority over her or her property.
Now - to get down to the nitty gritty
As I said - at 70 you often don't have a lot of friends so I put up with a lot from her -she's very bossy, you have to walk on egg shells to deal with her but the worst is the few times we arrange a get together - so many issues - everything on her terms. Location, time, place, etc. Then you are exhausted by the time an agreement is made - its the menu.
You have to share everything with her. She is piling her food on your plate and vice versa.
Then dinner conversation - you have to agree with all her opinions. If you disagree she will argue and argue until you just give up and agree with her. My husband can't stand her but he drives so he is there with us. She ignores him completely (I've asked her to bring a 4th person so he has someone to talk to) and only talks to me.
So, what am I to do? Cut off this "friendship" (she's not an evil person- its just that everything has to be on her terms) and not have any friends or just bite the bullet and go along with her. She can be nice and even fun but its got to be 100% on her terms.
Thanks for any advice!
You are sacrificing too much for the sake of this "friendship" I think that you should look at volunteering in areas of your interest, or look for other opportunities to give you the chance to meet others, and do things with others.
I know it is hard to find new friends....and this friendship may be salvageable on some levels......But you need other healthy outlets.
Why not invite a fourth yourself, or send your husband to a movie or something.....your husband sounds patient, and you sound like a saint!
I hope that you'll explore other options. Still working at your age is a plus, it gives you opportunities those of us at home do not have. Enjoy your life.
Here is a link from AARP and other sites
re: making friends
Boy do I know how you feel. I have a friend very much like the one you describe and we are on the outs right now, pending a return letter from her replying to a letter I sent her last week. I have taken it and taken it, I'm a pretty passive person but I do have a breaking point and I broke - over a text message she sent me. This is someone who is severely offended by anything you say, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with her - she takes it all personally and it is exasperating to constantly have to walk on eggshells and reassure her. I'll try to make this as short as possible.
We have only been friends about 5 years and two years ago she got remarried to a wonderful man and moved about 4 1/2 hours away. She is more of a Jekyll and Hyde I guess, rather than a narcissist but she does meet some of the criteria. Our friendship has been very one-sided, she does all the talking and I was hardly ever able to speak - if I did I was not heard. It's always about her and her "problems" but that was ok, I put up with it. What wasn't ok is her guilting me and taking it personal when I didn't answer my phone one evening because she had told me that she might call. I wasn't even at home, but that didn't matter. She send me a text basically accusing me of not wanting to answer her call, guess I was too busy or too tired or whatever. It flew all over me, and we had a texting war.
She's done way more crappy stuff than that, but like I said I reached a breaking point. I have found over the years that in order to deal with people like her you must put it in writing if you want the least little bit of possibility of being heard without interruption. Of course, everything I said was twisted, taken completely out of context and taken personally and then came the guilting and trying to make me feel sorry for her. I warned her of her frequent 180's from zero to B-i-t-c-h and how that may affect her marriage, friendships and everything else. She has a horrible mean streak when she drinks but she doesn't have to be drunk for it to happen. I have seen her do it to her husband, daughter, son-in-law and anyone else that is close to her. Otherwise for all appearances she comes off as a very sweet person.
Anyway, she said she could not talk to me and that she would respond line by line to my letter. Well let me tell you, I'm sitting her on pins and needles with bated breath waiting for her stupid, twisted, narcissistic, got it all backwards and upside down reply - NOT. I think I am done, said what needed to be said and I have realized we don't jive as friends. You just can't get along with everyone and when someone can't take a little constructive criticism from a friend that really cares then what's the point?
Good luck with your friend, at least you have a husband to lean on and like some of the other posters stated find a group of like-minded people and you will be much happier. I recently joined the YMCA and am making friends there. Write her a letter, don't hold anything back and I guarantee it will make you feel better and that's what matters. She will disagree and probably guilt you, but so what? Good riddance if that is what you want.
You will have to take stock and do a cost/benefit analysis on your friendship OP. It will probably turn out to not be worth the aggravation and the time that you spend with this woman.
Certainly I'm able to take a lot more from people than I'm willing to have piled on my husband, her actions toward your husband would be enough to have me back off. Keep us posted and good luck to you.
All the time and effort you are devoting to appeasing and accommodating this "friend" could be spent in other activities where you could be meeting normal people who are capable of establishing and maintaining real friendships where both parties feel respected and valued.
I would rather be alone, than be with people who annoy me that much. I also take into consideration that people aren't perfect, but when things get to be too much with someone, I have to let them go.
I have ended several friendships over the years and yes, I get a little bit lonely sometimes, but I am okay with that. I fill up my time with other things.
She really does sound like an exhausting sort. Life is too short to put up with people like that. I would have stopped the friendship based on her treatment of your husband. You are one thing, but your husband is the innocent bystander and he definitely doesn't deserve to waste his time putting up with that. I would think that even writing her would just bring on more of the same, except if you just want to be free of it and make that clean break. Good luck with that drag of a woman.
I used to be a magnet for people like your friend, and I seem to be a magnet for snarky people who generally make snide comments, push their beliefs on me, offer unsolicited advice, etc. They are not worth your time! Take it from someone who "used" to try to make or maintain friends - it IS better to have no friends then put up with that. I lost 50 lbs, gained a few certifications, adopted a new pet, took charge of my health, etc. in the spare time I USED to use to try to make and maintain friendships like this one. Do I get lonely? Sure thing! Am I afraid of making friends based on past experiences? Sure thing! Have I accomplished a LOT in the time that I used to use to make and maintain friendships like this one...wow, have I EVER! Its amazing what you can do with the time you are wasting on this friendship that is probably going nowhere, and going to end up in a big blow out if you allow it to continue on its current course. Yes, it gets lonely and I believe friends are harder to make with each passing year once you reach 25 and beyond, but you will be getting away from the unnecessary drama if you break with this friendship!
Boy do I know how you feel. I have a friend very much like the one you describe and we are on the outs right now, pending a return letter from her replying to a letter I sent her last week. I have taken it and taken it, I'm a pretty passive person but I do have a breaking point and I broke - over a text message she sent me. This is someone who is severely offended by anything you say, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with her - she takes it all personally and it is exasperating to constantly have to walk on eggshells and reassure her. I'll try to make this as short as possible.
We have only been friends about 5 years and two years ago she got remarried to a wonderful man and moved about 4 1/2 hours away. She is more of a Jekyll and Hyde I guess, rather than a narcissist but she does meet some of the criteria. Our friendship has been very one-sided, she does all the talking and I was hardly ever able to speak - if I did I was not heard. It's always about her and her "problems" but that was ok, I put up with it. What wasn't ok is her guilting me and taking it personal when I didn't answer my phone one evening because she had told me that she might call. I wasn't even at home, but that didn't matter. She send me a text basically accusing me of not wanting to answer her call, guess I was too busy or too tired or whatever. It flew all over me, and we had a texting war.
She's done way more crappy stuff than that, but like I said I reached a breaking point. I have found over the years that in order to deal with people like her you must put it in writing if you want the least little bit of possibility of being heard without interruption. Of course, everything I said was twisted, taken completely out of context and taken personally and then came the guilting and trying to make me feel sorry for her. I warned her of her frequent 180's from zero to B-i-t-c-h and how that may affect her marriage, friendships and everything else. She has a horrible mean streak when she drinks but she doesn't have to be drunk for it to happen. I have seen her do it to her husband, daughter, son-in-law and anyone else that is close to her. Otherwise for all appearances she comes off as a very sweet person.
Anyway, she said she could not talk to me and that she would respond line by line to my letter. Well let me tell you, I'm sitting her on pins and needles with bated breath waiting for her stupid, twisted, narcissistic, got it all backwards and upside down reply - NOT. I think I am done, said what needed to be said and I have realized we don't jive as friends. You just can't get along with everyone and when someone can't take a little constructive criticism from a friend that really cares then what's the point?
Good luck with your friend, at least you have a husband to lean on and like some of the other posters stated find a group of like-minded people and you will be much happier. I recently joined the YMCA and am making friends there. Write her a letter, don't hold anything back and I guarantee it will make you feel better and that's what matters. She will disagree and probably guilt you, but so what? Good riddance if that is what you want.
The bolded parts. Everything you described reeks of narcissistic behavior.
Writing the letter, sending the email will either be met with silence or will contradict everything you say, even when the facts are on your side?
People like this you could walk in with them standing over a dead body, the gun still smoking in their hand and they will deny doing it....LOL...you can't win with them, because they lie constantly.
You know how you deal with a narcissist? You don't, you cut ties, and go no contact. Don't respond to emails, texts, phone calls, etc.
Not everyone can do this, if this involves minor children they share or sometimes if you're related.
A friend you have known only 5 years who pulls this crap, and now gave you a gift by moving away.
Tootles.
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