Mom cheated - having a hard time feeling bad for her (spouse, father)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sorry if this kind of thing isn't allowed here, but I know that you men/women give good advice so I thought I could post here
So a couple of years ago (November 2013) my mom, dad, and grandparents went to Israel for my mom's 50th birthday. They had a tour guide there that my mom stayed in touch with. I knew they had a tour guide there, but I didn't think anything of it because that's pretty normal in Israel.
Come August 2014, my two siblings and I get a message from this random woman from Israel saying that my mom is a home wrecker and all this stuff about her. I thought this woman was just crazy, so I told my mom about her.
Turns out that this woman was the Israel tour guide's S/O, and my mom has had a physical and emotional affair with this guy.
My parents' marriage was already in the fritz, and I think this is the straw that broke the camel's back in my parents' relationship. I don't think my dad was happy about it, but he was not angry. My mom moved out of the house at the beginning of September 2014.
For the next few months after, I had assumed the whole thing with the tour guide was over because she was caught. Nope, not the case. My mom has continued to keep in contact with him and has gone to Israel a couple of times. My mom has stated that she goes to Israel because she "loves" it there, but I have a feeling that it's not so innocent.
My mom has expressed to both my sibling's and I that this guy is/was the "love of her life" and she can't help it but it's hard for her to "not talk to him"... Apparently. But this entire time my mom has expressed this to me, I've told her that I don't feel bad for her. That she knew this guy was in a relationship and is continuously in contact with him. And that she paints herself the victim here.
Now, my mom is back in Israel for a couple of weeks for her 53rd birthday. She told my siblings and I that she had "lunch with her friend" (tour guide) and his S/O found out and to just block her from everything. Apparently this woman found some of my families' facebooks and has been "sharing" their pictures and writing stuff about my mom.
Again, my mom is painting herself like she is so innocent while my older sister (25F) is agreeing with my mom and feels so bad for her.
My younger brother (20M) and I do not feel the same way. We both feel that my mom is not innocent and why should we treat her as such? She got herself into this position and now she is dragging her family into it.
Both my mom and sister feel that I am being unfairly harsh and think I'm being "cold-hearted"... But I guess ever since this started back in August 2014, I've held a small grudge against my mom because I don't go to her apartment as often as I should (probably once a week)
Am I being unfairly cold about this whole situation?
I think that what you are feeling is normal. I would be angry and cold too. I think though, that if it were me, I would try to stay neutral about it. Try not to get caught up in that drama. I know it's hard because it's your mom and she has affected everyone's life. It's okay to tell her and other family members that you just don't want to be a part of it.
When my husband left me for another woman, my 18 year old son told me one day (after months of both me & his dad venting) that he didn't want to hear anymore about it. Even though he knew his dad made a stupid mistake and didn't agree with it, he still loved us both and it wasn't fair that we kept involving him in the drama. You know, he was right too.
It isn't fair of your mom or dad getting you involved in this. Their marriage didn't work, but they are still your parents.
For what it's worth, I agree with you. Your mom knew what she was doing and knew how it was going to impact the family. Your dad is the victim, not your mom
Your parents marital issues are just that...theirs. You kids should not being involved in any way, shape or form. Block the crazy S/O on Facebook and let your mother deal with the consequences of her actions.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,733,093 times
Reputation: 41381
OP, you are giving your mom far more grace in this situation than I would. I wouldn't say a word to her until she ended the affair and made good with my dad. You have legit reasoning to be p$&@ed at her and the fact she is dragging you into her business makes it even worse.
Your parents' marriage was pretty much over but your mother DID have an affair. Your father didn't care that much? Why is it surprising the affair continued once she was divorced?
You're a grown adult now. She did nothing to be proud of but ... I don't know - it's not really your business since you are an adult. You can be mad at her all you want but that won't change anything. If you don't want to see her, don't.
Your parents' marriage was pretty much over but your mother DID have an affair. Your father didn't care that much? Why is it surprising the affair continued once she was divorced?
You're a grown adult now. She did nothing to be proud of but ... I don't know - it's not really your business since you are an adult. You can be mad at her all you want but that won't change anything. If you don't want to see her, don't.
I completely agree^^. You don't have to like what she is doing, but she IS your mom. Try to stay neutral about it and don't get involved.
I completely agree^^. You don't have to like what she is doing, but she IS your mom. Try to stay neutral about it and don't get involved.
I agree with this and reneeh63's sentiment. There's little to be gained by staying angry at your mother. Sometimes there's a clear cut good guy and a clear cut bad guy when things get messy, but most often both parties helped things go sour. Having an affair might not be the best way to respond, but it's done and she's your mom.
For what it's worth, I agree with you. Your mom knew what she was doing and knew how it was going to impact the family. Your dad is the victim, not your mom
Agreed. It can be difficult with parents, because as we see, some think you should remain neutral.
How parents treat one another does effect how the children see them. Neither parent is perfect, but some stuff crosses a line for some people. And at which point, the line-crosser has gone too far to sympathize with.
Like abuse. Maybe the parent never touches their kids, but hit their spouse. Plenty of kids would probably hate the abusive parent, and want nothing to do with them, when they're old enough to cut them out of their lives, even if that's their parent, and even if their parent never touched them. And even though it wasn't their relationship.
Men are definitely not the only narcissistic snakes out there. Some women/mothers are bad too & unfortunately, your mom's one of them.
You said your dad wasn't happy, but not mad...probably because like you said, their marriage wasn't so great anyway, so this is a good excuse for your dad to be done w/ the marriage OR if they're still married for him to get out there & do this thing, cheat, etc. too.
If I were you, I'd be just as mad/disappointed, etc. whether it was the mother or the father who cheated. Either way, the person is a parent who should have more respect for their family. Many say when a spouse cheats on the other spouse, they're really cheating on the entire family (meaning any children involved) & that's true because that means they're narcissistic by putting their own needs, carnal urges, etc. into unnecessary foolishness, & probably bringing diseases back home to the household, etc. Yuck!
I wouldn't eat or drink off another plate, cup, fork, etc. Your mom doesn't think that far ahead to know that her cheating's affecting everyone. How do you know she's not bringing home STDs, AIDS, or whatever other foreign diseases they have out there?!
My SO has a lying, cheating loser of a dad & he bought his own plastic plates, etc. when he was in his dad's presence.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
