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WARNING! This is long, but I feel I need to give you all some background. Many thanks to anyone who plows thru all this!
Suzy and I exchanged cell numbers and I plan to call her on Tuesday. Should I just pretend that everything is fine and keep it light? That seems best to me. Once we get to know each other again, I might divulge more, but meantime I don’t want to tell any outright lies. I feel that it’s very important for us all to regain trust in each other. What should I do?
Two things: ma'am, glad you've persevered best you could after a neurological problem. Could happen to any of us, and I have a couple extreme hobbies that could result in that kind of misfortune. Or, simple chance I suppose.
Second, my opinion is second paragraph quoted sums up nicely. My $.02 is that's the way to play it, full stop. I think you've got this.
PS: figure I'll connect with the cousins next c. 20 years myself, if sufficiently bored. We're estranged for no particular reason other than geographic distribution our whole lives, we're all a pack of strangers to one another. I believe there are roughly 24 in the First Cousin cohort, as I call it, on my paternal side. Point being, sometimes people get older, retire, and don't mind shaking the family tree again. My dad sure did, and only good came of it the remaining twenty years of his life. My mom didn't have the chance, unf.
Last edited by Blondebaerde; 10-30-2016 at 11:33 PM..
If I were reconnecting with people after several decades, I would want to know what they were doing for a career. If you are evasive, that will set up some red flags, even if it's subconscious.
A lot of the responses I've read seem to be evasive, and that will be a big mistake. Talk about what you were doing when you were working.
You said you recently turned 65, an age when a lot have people have retired, so not working will not be out of the norm. The budget sometimes takes a hit then, also, so not having the funds to fly out will not look unusual, either.
Good luck!
Thanks. My family is unbelievable. They're the biggest group of over achievers and workaholics I've ever seen. Most of them only retire when they die. I guess we're all terrified of ending up back in Harlan County in the Kentucky mountains. I can talk to them about my 20 year career easily enough and I can make some vague comment about health conditions. If I remain in contact with them long enough they'll know something is wrong or different about me, but they'll probably be too polite to ask. All of them from 9 to 90 hop on planes to see each other without a second thought. Guess I'll just have to fly over that bridge when (and if) I come to it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondebaerde
Two things: ma'am, glad you've persevered best you could after a neurological problem. Could happen to any of us, and I have a couple extreme hobbies that could result in that kind of misfortune. Or, simple chance I suppose.
Second, my opinion is second paragraph quoted sums up nicely. My $.02 is that's the way to play it, full stop. I think you've got this.
PS: figure I'll connect with the cousins next c. 20 years myself, if sufficiently bored. We're estranged for no particular reason other than geographic distribution our whole lives, we're all a pack of strangers to one another. I believe there are roughly 24 in the First Cousin cohort, as I call it, on my paternal side. Point being, sometimes people get older, retire, and don't mind shaking the family tree again. My dad sure did, and only good came of it the remaining twenty years of his life. My mom didn't have the chance, unf.
Thanks for your encouragement. Life can really blindside any of us through no fault of our own. I just try to stay as upbeat as I can manage and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Watch out for those extreme hobbies as you get older. Stuff DOES happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by margaretBartle
If I were reconnecting with people after several decades, I would want to know what they were doing for a career. If you are evasive, that will set up some red flags, even if it's subconscious.
A lot of the responses I've read seem to be evasive, and that will be a big mistake. Talk about what you were doing when you were working.
I can talk to them about my career without telling them how and why it ended. I don't think that's being evasive and I give out all sorts of information about myself which is available to anyone I allow to friend me on FB. As a matter of fact, my current profile picture shows me sitting by the road in front of my house. I'm grinning and surrounded by boxes of apples marked "For Sale! $7.00/box." They can make what they want from that picture, but it's quite real. No evasion there, either. Posting this thread and reading everyone's replies has helped me quell my anxiety a little - I worry too much. I'm just going to be me and see how it all unfolds.
WARNING! This is long, but I feel I need to give you all some background. Many thanks to anyone who plows thru all this!
Here’s the deal. I’m the only child of a Swiss mother and my Southern father. Both my parents have passed and on my mother’s side I have no close living relatives. However, my Dad’s family is fairly large and close knit. I have cousins all over the South. My parents decided to move to Colorado when I was only 5, so growing up, I only got to see my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and many cousins only on summer vacations when I’d get to go back “home†to visit for a few weeks. Still, we all wrote each other lots of letters, talked often on the phone, and I’d trade clothes back and forth with my cousins because we all grew out of them so quickly. Normal family stuff even if it was at a distance, right? Like any family, we had our problems and when I was in my late 20’s I got embroiled in a huge family drama that should have been on reality TV had that existed at the time. Long story short I ended up being shunned by three of my cousins who I had once had the closest connection with. I still went to family reunions with my Dad, but once he was gone, I simply drifted off. I felt angry and hurt and shamed by the things that had gone on, and all the people involved were at least a thousand miles away from me, so I went my way and they went theirs.
Fast forward to now. I recently turned 65, and that milestone in my life caused me to spend a lot of time reflecting back on various events in my life – both the good and the bad. I realized that I was longing to make peace with my family. I missed them – even the 3 cousins who had shunned me. I’m divorced and never was able to have children of my own, so I feel like the family black sheep in exile out here. Life is just too short, and I decided to see if I could track anyone down. We have a very common last name, and I didn’t always remember the married names of some of my cousins, so it took me a while. Finally, a few days ago I got a reply on Face Book to a friend request I’d sent my cousin “Suzy†a year ago. I guess she doesn’t bother much with friend requests on FB, but once she finally got around to going through hers and reading mine and realizing that I was her long lost cousin, she sent me a message right away. She’s put me in touch with other family members and I’ve begun the process of reaching out and mending fences.
Here’s my problem. My family has done very well for itself. We went from being poor farmers and miners in the Eastern Kentucky Mountains to being doctors and high level government administrators and faculty members at some of the South’s finest universities. We dreamed the American dream and made it come true. I was no exception. I was fortunate enough to get a great education and I went into a profession where I was well paid and doing work that I loved. My own good fortune didn’t last, though. 15 years ago I had a brain injury that left me permanently disabled and forced me to go through all my savings trying to pay medical bills and still have food to eat and a roof over my head. I now live on a tiny social security check which puts me below the poverty line. That saying, “Man plans and God laughs†can be all too true sometimes.
I really don’t want to tell my family much about my current situation. If I did, my fear is that everyone will think, “Well, after 30 years, she’s back with a sob story and a hand out for money.†I would never ever ask my family for charity. I’ve always stood on my own two feet even if they sometimes wobble a bit now a days. But I do long for a sense of connection and a feeling of belonging. I want my family to call me up for a chat from time to time, send me the pictures of all their grand babies and tell me about their joys and sorrows. That’s all.
Suzy and I exchanged cell numbers and I plan to call her on Tuesday. Should I just pretend that everything is fine and keep it light? That seems best to me. Once we get to know each other again, I might divulge more, but meantime I don’t want to tell any outright lies. I feel that it’s very important for us all to regain trust in each other. What should I do?
You have the right concern. Just enjoy the conversation...She has a family, so ask about her kids, their kids....it will be ok. Smooth over your personal issues until you feel some trust and genuine interest....it will make you feel better personally. When you feel that they genuinely want to know of your life issues, then share as much as you're comfortable with.
I think that since you'll have to be the one going to visit them, you can delay your life circumstances for quite awhile. No one needs to know if you are poor.
Glad you have this second chance. Enjoy reconnecting, because that is all that matters.
Not sure I can add much, but since you are genuinely interested in your cousins, just ask questions about them.
You can tell them about your career before you retired, and that now an illness limits your mobility.
You never know, but perhaps there are others in the family who need you, not just vice versa.
Having read your posts and threads over the years I certainly would never call you a "sorry loser". You have handled some very difficult situations with grace, honor and respect.
My husband has a somewhat similar story. He had to give up his career as a trial attorney because of a type of early onset dementia (although, at the time we did not realize that was the problem). He ended up taking a job that only required a GED, so that he could continue working and helping to support our family. After he was unable to even hold that job (by that time he was diagnosed with brain damage/dementia) he took over the vast majority of the household responsibilities so that I could more easily hold down a full time and part time job. Even after his Traumatic Brain Injury, last year, he is still a loving, caring spouse and parent. I would never call him, or think of him, as a "sorry loser" because of his disabilities. And, I certainly hope that no one else thinks of him that way, either.
Please keep your chin up and continue to be brave.
I’ve begun the process of reaching out and mending fences..Here’s my problem. My family has done very well for itself..
I really don’t want to tell my family much about my current situation. If I did, my fear is that everyone will think, “Well, after 30 years, she’s back with a sob story and a hand out for money.” I would never ever ask my family for charity. I’ve always stood on my own two feet even if they sometimes wobble a bit now a days. But I do long for a sense of connection and a feeling of belonging.. I feel that it’s very important for us all to regain trust in each other. What should I do?
Throw away what maybe seems to be some pride? (masquerading as fear) and go with what you say you feel is very important. Could be your family feels the same way you do.
I have connected with family on Facebook I never see in person but we never discuss jobs. Most of us are retired and we don't really discuss money or jobs just post pictures of people or places. I don't even know if the people I see in person are rich or poor. My aunt is 88, was married 65 years, raised 4 kids one handicapped, she was 20 when I was born so I have known her most of her life but I don't know her financial status. Ten years ago her mother died and her son asked if she wanted her inheritance in savings or to keep some out for the winter heating bill. Ten years before that she told mom interest rates were so low she may as well just spend the money. She spent her life frugal so is she rich? They had houses, a rental house, a small business and a farm. Nobody cares if you are poor if you aren't a mooch.
It sounds like you may have reaped what you sow. You almost sound a bit uppedy.
Brain injury or not they are your family. Go see them and leave this self-conscious vanity behind you. You are aging and so are they, life is short. Many blessings to you all as you re-connect! How exciting!
Since your post seems to have caused a bit of a tiff on this thread, let me say this. I am proud of my family. I have visited the homes of family members who still live in the poverty stricken Kentucky mountains, and they have very hard lives and get by on almost nothing. I am just as proud of them. They lead very hard lives with courage and by the gift of grace. They are both the heart and soul of my branch of the family. I have always felt stunned by everybody's accomplishments. I couldn't see how I really could be related to these people. Must have been a mix-up when they took me home from the hospital. I always felt like I was running as hard as I could to catch up, but never quite doing it. If this makes me "uppedy," then so be it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND
You have the right concern. Just enjoy the conversation...She has a family, so ask about her kids, their kids....it will be ok. Smooth over your personal issues until you feel some trust and genuine interest....it will make you feel better personally. When you feel that they genuinely want to know of your life issues, then share as much as you're comfortable with.
I think that since you'll have to be the one going to visit them, you can delay your life circumstances for quite awhile. No one needs to know if you are poor.
Glad you have this second chance. Enjoy reconnecting, because that is all that matters.
I think this is great advice. Thank you for taking the time to read my OP and giving me some good ideas.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Having read your posts and threads over the years I certainly would never call you a "sorry loser". You have handled some very difficult situations with grace, honor and respect.
My husband has a somewhat similar story. He had to give up his career as a trial attorney because of a type of early onset dementia (although, at the time we did not realize that was the problem). He ended up taking a job that only required a GED, so that he could continue working and helping to support our family. After he was unable to even hold that job (by that time he was diagnosed with brain damage/dementia) he took over the vast majority of the household responsibilities so that I could more easily hold down a full time and part time job. Even after his Traumatic Brain Injury, last year, he is still a loving, caring spouse and parent. I would never call him, or think of him, as a "sorry loser" because of his disabilities. And, I certainly hope that no one else thinks of him that way, either.
Please keep your chin up and continue to be brave.
Good luck in the future.
You are so very kind. Thank-you for sharing you and your husband's experience. You both are so fortunate to have each other. It is a terribly hard road to walk all alone when you have a brain injury. I've been doing it alone for a long time now and I feel completely exhausted. How very caring and very intelligent of you to trade places, so he could still make a contribution and retain a sense of self worth. Kudos to you both!
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliceacrasperfolk
I have connected with family on Facebook I never see in person but we never discuss jobs. Most of us are retired and we don't really discuss money or jobs just post pictures of people or places. I don't even know if the people I see in person are rich or poor. My aunt is 88, was married 65 years, raised 4 kids one handicapped, she was 20 when I was born so I have known her most of her life but I don't know her financial status. Ten years ago her mother died and her son asked if she wanted her inheritance in savings or to keep some out for the winter heating bill. Ten years before that she told mom interest rates were so low she may as well just spend the money. She spent her life frugal so is she rich? They had houses, a rental house, a small business and a farm. Nobody cares if you are poor if you aren't a mooch.
Thank you for sharing your own experience getting in touch with family on Facebook. I'm pretty sure no one is going to call me up and demand to know my financial status. I didn't go to all that trouble of finding them again just so I could hit them up for some cash. That's genuine and with the exception of my two cousins who still shun me to this very day, I'm sure they'll see that. I just worry too much.
I just checked in on Facebook and it looks like Suzy has been busy spreading the word. I have three more friend requests from family I haven't seen for 30 years. I'm really not as bad a black sheep as I thought I was. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. They're actually glad that I reached out to them. I think I may just get my family back after all this long, lonely time. Truly, I am overwhelmed.
I just checked in on Facebook and it looks like Suzy has been busy spreading the word. I have three more friend requests from family I haven't seen for 30 years. I'm really not as bad a black sheep as I thought I was. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. They're actually glad that I reached out to them. I think I may just get my family back after all this long, lonely time. Truly, I am overwhelmed.
I'm so glad to hear this. You are a kind lady, and have been through a lot. I can only imagine how much more difficult going through such struggles would be with no family support. It will be good for you to be able to have interaction with your family again, and I think they will benefit from the renewed contact as well.
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