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I have certain family members that have caused me an enormous amount of grief. We have a very complicated relationship and it's always been like that and will continue to be like that. We've given up on each other and have moved on.
It seems like my younger brother, the only person I thought I could count on to be loyal is cozying up to them. I know he doesn't have bad intentions towards me but they are using him against me so that I will eventually have no one. They're super nice to him and include him in a lot of things. It's maddening. He doesn't see that they're using him against me. He thinks he just has family that cares for him and doesn't see any of their other motives.
Ive never voiced that his close relationship with them hurts and offends me because I don't want to be THAT person. That jealous and insecure person. I figure he should make his own mind up and if he wants to be close to them then that's his call.
I worry that in the future I will lose the connection with my brother as well. I don't know how many more years of that kind of disloyalty I can take.
I'm the type of person who, picks sides in situations. I don't believe you can stay innocent and arbitrary by being friends with two feuding people. I believe you either pick a side or you lose both people. I dont want to give him an ultimatum but I'm honestly so hurt that he would do this.
I have certain family members that have caused me an enormous amount of grief. We have a very complicated relationship and it's always been like that and will continue to be like that. We've given up on each other and have moved on.
It seems like my younger brother, the only person I thought I could count on to be loyal is cozying up to them. I know he doesn't have bad intentions towards me but they are using him against me so that I will eventually have no one. They're super nice to him and include him in a lot of things. It's maddening. He doesn't see that they're using him against me. He thinks he just has family that cares for him and doesn't see any of their other motives.
Ive never voiced that his close relationship with them hurts and offends me because I don't want to be THAT person. That jealous and insecure person. I figure he should make his own mind up and if he wants to be close to them then that's his call.
I worry that in the future I will lose the connection with my brother as well. I don't know how many more years of that kind of disloyalty I can take.
I'm the type of person who, picks sides in situations. I don't believe you can stay innocent and arbitrary by being friends with two feuding people. I believe you either pick a side or you lose both people. I dont want to give him an ultimatum but I'm honestly so hurt that he would do this.
Honestly, it kind of sounds like you ARE that person.
As they say, there are three sides to every story: Your side, their side, and the truth somewhere in the middle. The one specific thing you've written here about your brother and these other relatives is that they include him in lots of things.
The one thing I know about people who demand "loyalty," as you indicate here, is that sometimes people hide behind the "loyalty" excuse to escape their own accountability. It's a way of throwing the problem back into someone else's lap. If your brother hasn't had the same problems with these relatives, it's going to be difficult for him to "pick sides."
It sounds like you need to talk to your brother but also consider your own fault in this scenario.
I have certain family members that have caused me an enormous amount of grief. We have a very complicated relationship and it's always been like that and will continue to be like that. We've given up on each other and have moved on.
It seems like my younger brother, the only person I thought I could count on to be loyal is cozying up to them. I know he doesn't have bad intentions towards me but they are using him against me so that I will eventually have no one. They're super nice to him and include him in a lot of things. It's maddening. He doesn't see that they're using him against me. He thinks he just has family that cares for him and doesn't see any of their other motives.
Ive never voiced that his close relationship with them hurts and offends me because I don't want to be THAT person. That jealous and insecure person. I figure he should make his own mind up and if he wants to be close to them then that's his call.
I worry that in the future I will lose the connection with my brother as well. I don't know how many more years of that kind of disloyalty I can take.
I'm the type of person who, picks sides in situations. I don't believe you can stay innocent and arbitrary by being friends with two feuding people. I believe you either pick a side or you lose both people. I dont want to give him an ultimatum but I'm honestly so hurt that he would do this.
I believe you can; sometimes you just have to stay in the middle. I perhaps can see taking sides if one person is a whole lot more at fault than the other, but I have two relatives who have been at each other for 60 years.....they've done nothing bad to each other, they just can't get along. And I've been in the middle for those 60 years. I'm not going to give up either one of them just because THEY don't get along.....I love both of them and get along with both of them. I just refuse to enter into their unhappiness with each other; I won't accept any criticisms or complaints about the other one. I just tell them that I'm not part of it and I don't want to hear it.
As the saying goes: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." It's worked just fine for 60 years; it'll work for another 30 or so. After that, maybe The Almighty can sort it out.
Hmm I can see what you might be hinting towards and I don't think we're quite on the same page. I never really said I didn't have a part in it. We've settled on agreeing to disagree. I don't interfere or meddle in their lives. I stay away.
My relationship with my brother is different. We're siblings who grew up close and under the same household. The type of loyalty I'm speaking of is more of a quid pro quo. I have always protected him and even his image. If anyone (friends, acquaintances, family) had a negative thing to say about him I always defended him. I keep his secrets and dont befriend his enemies. I'm asking for the same in return.
What makes me uncomfortable in these newfound relationships is theres a big chance he will overshare personal details of my life with them in an effort to be open and friendly and more included. He looks up to them and I know they may ask for details. This is what makes me uncomfortable.
I don't solicit him for information about them and he never shares secrets about them. But sometimes I feel like he may like them better and will share information about me. If that makes sense....
Hmm I can see what you might be hinting towards and I don't think we're quite on the same page. I never really said I didn't have a part in it. We've settled on agreeing to disagree. I don't interfere or meddle in their lives. I stay away.
My relationship with my brother is different. We're siblings who grew up close and under the same household. The type of loyalty I'm speaking of is more of a quid pro quo. I have always protected him and even his image. If anyone (friends, acquaintances, family) had a negative thing to say about him I always defended him. I keep his secrets and dont befriend his enemies. I'm asking for the same in return.
What makes me uncomfortable in these newfound relationships is theres a big chance he will overshare personal details of my life with them in an effort to be open and friendly and more included. He looks up to them and I know they may ask for details. This is what makes me uncomfortable.
I don't solicit him for information about them and he never shares secrets about them. But sometimes I feel like he may like them better and will share information about me. If that makes sense....
Sorry, but you do sound like "that person", the more you write. You don't trust your brother out of your immediate circle, and you are afraid that something that he might "share" with these other family members would affect you in some way.
But consider: You have already basically cut them out of your life. What does it matter WHAT they think of you? What they say? What they know? They can't hurt you, if they are not a part of your life.
You cannot control your brother. Your demand of total loyalty and "obedience" to your stipulations is unreasonable. You appear to be attempting to keep a stranglehold on the one person that you trust in the entire world. The more you squeeze, the more they will struggle to get away from you.
Is it possible to just remind your brother that certain things need to stay just between the two of you?
Is your brother young or naïve? Even though my siblings are not fighting, I know that there are private, personal things that my sister says to me about her life or her husband or medical things that are not "my things to share".
Just because she tells me something it does not give me permission to share it with other people. I think of it like doctor-patient confidentiality. You can tell you doctor something and he does not go blabbing around the neighborhood to everyone that he meets.
Doesn't your brother understand boundaries and common sense, in general? Or are these family members who poke and prod and do all that they can do to elicit private information out of other people?
I believe you can; sometimes you just have to stay in the middle. I perhaps can see taking sides if one person is a whole lot more at fault than the other, but I have two relatives who have been at each other for 60 years.....they've done nothing bad to each other, they just can't get along. And I've been in the middle for those 60 years. I'm not going to give up either one of them just because THEY don't get along.....I love both of them and get along with both of them. I just refuse to enter into their unhappiness with each other; I won't accept any criticisms or complaints about the other one. I just tell them that I'm not part of it and I don't want to hear it.
As the saying goes: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." It's worked just fine for 60 years; it'll work for another 30 or so. After that, maybe The Almighty can sort it out.
I agree that it IS possible to be friends with two people who are feuding and not pick sides.
You cannot control your brother. Your demand of total loyalty and "obedience" to your stipulations is unreasonable. You appear to be attempting to keep a stranglehold on the one person that you trust in the entire world. The more you squeeze, the more they will struggle to get away from you.
Yep, because the way you describe the situation here makes it clear that your primary concern isn't really about your brother's well being or any kind of fairness but ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by whereIsSydney
What makes me uncomfortable in these newfound relationships is theres a big chance he will overshare personal details of my life with them in an effort to be open and friendly and more included. He looks up to them and I know they may ask for details. This is what makes me uncomfortable.
I don't solicit him for information about them and he never shares secrets about them. But sometimes I feel like he may like them better and will share information about me. If that makes sense....
... keeping him in your corner and controlling the sharing of info about you.
You ARE being controlling, if you think this. Be careful because if you continue to be this rigid and force him to choose a side, he may do just that, and you may not like the choice.
I assume your brother knows about the estrangement? You are allowed to tell him that you are uncomfortable about his talking about you to them.
Hmm I can see what you might be hinting towards and I don't think we're quite on the same page. I never really said I didn't have a part in it. We've settled on agreeing to disagree. I don't interfere or meddle in their lives. I stay away.
My relationship with my brother is different. We're siblings who grew up close and under the same household. The type of loyalty I'm speaking of is more of a quid pro quo. I have always protected him and even his image. If anyone (friends, acquaintances, family) had a negative thing to say about him I always defended him. I keep his secrets and dont befriend his enemies. I'm asking for the same in return.
What makes me uncomfortable in these newfound relationships is theres a big chance he will overshare personal details of my life with them in an effort to be open and friendly and more included. He looks up to them and I know they may ask for details. This is what makes me uncomfortable.
I don't solicit him for information about them and he never shares secrets about them. But sometimes I feel like he may like them better and will share information about me. If that makes sense....
But you see, in this case, you are basically trying to interfere and meddle by dictating terms on their relationships with your brother. The whole stark view on loyalty, enemies, obedience isn't helping your case at all. If you worded it differently and quite frankly had a more disengaged mentality, people here would have suggest that you just have a chat with your brother and remind him that you've set personal boundaries to protect yourself from these people and that you don't want your personal business shared with these people. Then... Let it go. Pay no more mind to those relationships because it has nothing to do with you and isn't your business to mind at all. But this only works if you really trust your brother... And you apparently don't. That's the real problem here, not these relatives.
I have certain family members that have caused me an enormous amount of grief. We have a very complicated relationship and it's always been like that and will continue to be like that. We've given up on each other and have moved on.
It seems like my younger brother, the only person I thought I could count on to be loyal is cozying up to them. I know he doesn't have bad intentions towards me but they are using him against me so that I will eventually have no one. They're super nice to him and include him in a lot of things. It's maddening. He doesn't see that they're using him against me. He thinks he just has family that cares for him and doesn't see any of their other motives.
Ive never voiced that his close relationship with them hurts and offends me because I don't want to be THAT person. That jealous and insecure person. I figure he should make his own mind up and if he wants to be close to them then that's his call.
I worry that in the future I will lose the connection with my brother as well. I don't know how many more years of that kind of disloyalty I can take.
I'm the type of person who, picks sides in situations. I don't believe you can stay innocent and arbitrary by being friends with two feuding people. I believe you either pick a side or you lose both people. I dont want to give him an ultimatum but I'm honestly so hurt that he would do this.
Maybe they genuinely like him (is it hard to believe that he has endearing qualities that the family loves for itself?) and don't have ulterior motives such as using him to "get to you". Why should he be deprived of family attention because you don't get along with them? It's not HIS battle with the family, it's YOURS. As others have said, can you impress on him that you don't want your personal information shared with them?
It doesn't have to be one or the other. He can still love you and them, too. And, yes, you do face losing your brother if you don't loosen up and let him love both you and them.
Are you both young? Teens, 20's, 30's?
Last edited by jamary1; 12-22-2016 at 10:34 PM..
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