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i'm done with weddings. i will be a bridesmaid, once again, in July of this year. this will be my 5th time being in a wedding party. i'm so frustrated with the extravagant costs that people want you to spend. i'm honestly starting to build some resentment about it. i was just told i need to chip in 200$ for the bridal shower... then i have to get the dress (about $200), alterations for the dress (prob $100) hair & makeup ($100), a shower gift, and then an actual gift for the wedding. bachelorette party will prob be around 200$ as well. don't forget the hotel too (prob $200/night). probably will top at about $1,000. which has been the same for the other 4 weddings i was in as well.
i know i know, i didn't have to say yes to being a bridesmaid. but the alternative of saying no would probably be a lot worse... "why doesn't she want to be a bridesmaid" "i can't believe you said no" "i can't believe you wouldn't partake in his/her special day". anyway, i just needed to vent. why can't people just have a low key party and you give a gift and then be done with it? i especially hate when people tell me "it will be your turn one day". NO! i plan on going to get the marriage license and then that's it. maybe the party will consist of a nice dinner where me and my boyfriend pay for everything. i would never expect people to pay for anything just because i decide to spend the rest of my life with someone.
anyone else? i'm considering saying no to the bachelorette party to cut costs.
You need to learn to not care so much what people might think about you, and be more concerned with what is best for yourself. Stop letting others rule your life. Do you really think the alternative of saying "Im sorry, I can't, I just cant afford it right now" is worse than what you are going thru now?
I hope you arent putting those expenses on a credit card.
You need to learn to not care so much what people might think about you, and be more concerned with what is best for yourself. Stop letting others rule your life. Do you really think the alternative of saying "Im sorry, I can't, I just cant afford it right now" is worse than what you are going thru now?
I hope you arent putting those expenses on a credit card.
the problem is that i CAN afford it. it's the principle that bothers me. just because i can afford it doesn't mean that it should be that way, does that make sense? and that's why i would get a lot of backlash, because i'd be saying no just because i'm against the extravagant costs of a wedding, not because i can't afford it.
I backed out of a couple of weddings because of the cost. I found it ridiculous. I even backed out of my own brother's wedding. We had a bridesmaid meeting with his fiance. She was very low-key and simple. It was great. Then my brother got involved and started changing things, and the costs were going up and up. My mom said she would pay, but at that point, it was principle. She was now not getting the wedding she wanted as my brother became a control-freak, so I felt it best to bow out.
I didn't have any bridesmaids at my wedding. We had the JP over to the house with family. An hour later (we had to time it after the UT football game of course), we had a big party for all our friends at the house. It was so relaxing not having to hear about complaining from my friends and no friendships got ruined from it. My friends loved that they didn't have to buy dresses and such. They threw a small bachelorette happy hour at a local bar, and easy peasy...
If you are holding resentment, bow out. You don't want to lose a friendship because of the stress of it all.
I won't be in another wedding after my brother's wedding extravaganza. I was very up front with my SIL that cost was an issue. She swore up and down that it wouldn't be too expensive. I should have gotten a dollar amount on what "not too expensive" meant because she clearly had other ideas! A lot of it was influenced by my brother's MIL who pushed the wedding from the planned 50 people to more than 250, and kept adding to the extravagance because for her money was no object.
$400 dress (plus an additional $80 for alterations), $75 shoes she wanted us all to wear, $75 for hair, and she wanted an additional $75 for professional makeup but I put my foot down and said I could do it myself. Add in a gift, travel costs to and from the fittings (bridal shop was close to her), travel to the wedding, and the hotel and the cost quickly ballooned to well over $1000.
The other bridesmaids were her close friends from childhood who lived locally (I'm about 3 hours away and couldn't be more different from them) and I was shut out from planning. I got the invite to the bridal shower/bachelorette 2 weeks in advance and already had plans: my one of best friend's bachelorette. It caused a whole hubbub in the family about why I couldn't just cancel my other plans, but my best friend not only planned her event well over a month in advance, but also had her wedding on the same day as my brother. The bridesmaids for my SIL plus friends were expected to chip in a few hundred each for the bachelorette where they proceeded to get smashed (not my thing). I would have also needed to get a hotel as the one out of towner, adding to the cost. At the bachelorette I ended up going to, it was as low cost as possible with BYOB and grilling, then we camped out on the beach.
I really couldn't afford it as I was just a few years out of cancer treatment and didn't have the luxury of living at home for a few years to save up for a house the way my brother and SIL did. I was doing much better financially than the other bridesmaids, so I felt awful for them (though they live in a much lower COL area).
It definitely didn't help our relationship. I had to swallow my pride and tell them that that I wouldn't be able to send birthday or Christmas gifts because I simply couldn't afford it that year. They responded rudely, and I haven't seen a gift since.
I probably spent more money to be miserable in their wedding than I would be willing to spend on my own. At the very least, if I do have a wedding rather than elope, I would never dream of asking any of my friends to be a bridesmaid. Not unless I could afford to pay for their expenses (and at that point, I'd rather have a down payment for a house!).
I'm really glad my daughter was frugal. She had a casual wedding. The bridesmaids' dresses were from Old Navy and only $35! Needless to say, her bridesmaids were very happy!
the alternative of saying no would probably be a lot worse... "why doesn't she want to be a bridesmaid" "i can't believe you said no" "i can't believe you wouldn't partake in his/her special day"
As a former bride, I would rather you tell me upfront that you can't afford it, than to resent being there in that capacity.
I have declined an invitation to be a bridesmaid because of my budget, and she wasn't offended in the least.
ETA: Ok I see you can afford it. Still, make it about time, or your education, or something. Don't go if you don't want to be there.
I guess times have changed, but the times I was a bridesmaid for an out-of-town wedding, the bride's family paid for the hotel or arranged rooms for us at a friend's house. One bride specifically said, "Look, please, no gifts -- you are doing me a huge honor by being my bridesmaid, and I'm just happy you could be a part of it!" Another bride's mother paid for the bridesmaid's dresses.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of a poor bridesmaid (usually young, usually not at the top of the career pile) having to shell out thousands of dollars just for the privilege of prancing down the aisle in a dress she will never wear again.
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