My Aunt drives me crazy (father, talks, person, member)

[jencam]

I haven't even talked to her in two weeks, but all of her slights towards me keep bubbling to the surface regardless.

The thing I can't get out of my head right now is the last time I saw her in person and she was telling me how she knows more about the relationship between my father and stepmother than I do. Even though she doesn't see my father often, and usually when she does she does all the talking.

She has never spent time with my step-mother. I lived with them since I was 14 years old until college, and then again for at least 6 months after college, and then she and I talked on the phone almost every night.

How in the fork does my Aunt think that her insight is SO keen that she can glean from tiny bits of gossip between other family members that she tells me I am wrong about things I witnessed first hand or was told directly by my father or step-mother?

It's maddening. I have come to understand she has narcissistic traits but that is the whole thing. N's make you feel crazy!

I really wish this would leave my head! It doesn't even matter what she thinks. What bothers me is that she tells me to my face that her perception is the truth, period. I mean, she doesn't use those words, but when I say Well, I lived with them and this is what I know ..... she just dismisses that out of hand and re-states her impression that she got 18 years ago from someone.

I just ............. ugh!

Talking to her or listening to her it's like an alternate reality is being forced upon me and I try to just let it go, the issue is with her not me, but it keeps coming up in my mind!

I casually mentioned that my step-mother is forever changing things in the house. Different color schemes, different floors, etc. and my Aunt is like 'I never saw that'. Well, how in the fork would you? you've been to that house a total of two times in your life!

I mean, it's crazy.

If I said I saw a black cat outside last night she'd probably tell me I was wrong even though she wasn't here to know either way.

That is literally she is set on telling me (and some other people) that I am an idiot and don't know anything.

Her son came over to do a little bit of a home project for me and she was an entirely different person with him. I said why do you act scared of him?

She said because I never know when he is going to blow up. I said blow up? How and over what?

Well, turns out that she tries to tell him what to do regarding home projects that she doesn't know how to do. So he gets mad and says if you know how to do this better, why am I here? do you know how to do this? No? I do, so shut up.

Normally I'd think that was a terrible way to speak to one's mother, but if she does him like she does me and other people, I can see why he'd be tired of it after a lifetime.

I guess I just need to talk to her as little as possible to protect myself from her brain damage. N's need to make others appear bad so they can feel superior and there is no rescuing a relationship with an N.

I'd really just like to read my book and go to sleep but this crap that she spews at me - I swallow it because there is no other choice but then it bubbles up ..... ugh!

[jencam]

I think part of why this particular convo has me upset is that I corrected her on something regarding the purchase of my step-mother's SUV. I wasn't set out to correct her, it was just conversation but it ended up that way. I sold her the SUV myself. So I would certainly know everything there is to know about that.

but she kept on 'I really think that she got the $$$ from her mother to buy that'. No. Her mother said she would put in 10K of it, and then changed her mind. My SM was very upset about having to make bigger payments than she had anticipated.

then later it occurred to me maybe my SM doesn't want my Dad to know that happened. He might of been upset over the Mercedes had he known she had to pay for all of it.

So I called and said please let's not betray my SM. In case that is the scenario. She said on no of course not but that is a lie.

She sees herself as the guardian of TRUTH and it must all be said to anyone at all times even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.

IDK. I can't change anything from before. My Dad doesn't hold grudges so if my worry is true, it won't matter this long after to him. But it matters to me.

IDK why I remain naive at times with her and expect the best when I know better! She lives to gossip. It's her primary mode of conversation. Gossip, putting other people down, putting me down, and repeatedly heaping glory and such on herself.

And she really does do a lot of work for other people. She's like a Mom to everyone in that sense. If you need something, she will be there to do it. But you (in her own words) pay the price of hearing her truth.

[mollyblythe]

When she gossips or speaks as the voice of authority (when she isn't), start scratching at or rubbing your ears vigorously until she asks what's wrong. Tell her your ears have begun to itch really badly sometimes when you hear gossip or things that are incorrect. Repeat as necessary. And prepare, she may be insulted if she isn't dense. If she says something angrily, just tell her calmly, kindly and concisely how her behavior comes across.

Or, you can question whether she has ESP. If she wants to know why you ask, you can say, "You seem to have information about things that you didn't see or hear first hand. So, I thought it must be ESP. If it is, it's on the fritz." Later, when she talks about something she doesn't have real knowledge of, say, "There goes that ESP again. Must be embarrassing when it's on the blink." Handle any angry response the same way as above.

Yes, I know this is passive aggressive. Don't say it in a mean-spirited, aggressive way. Do so with a little twinkle in your eye and voice. Just lets her know you're not buying what she's saying. You can do this without silently getting bent out of shape or getting into it verbally with her. Gives you a little code or signal for "there you go again." She won't likely be happy with you, but she will probably be more careful what she says around you.

People usually continue to do what they do until there is a negative consequence for it. Her son addresses her actions directly. You can take a lower-key, mildly good-humored approach to get her attention. That can lead to a more open conversation about how her behavior comes across.

This often works with someone who isn't too thin-skinned and where there isn't open conflict in the relationship. Then, some people require the old 2X4 approach her son uses. Your aunt may be of of those people.

[jencam]

The ESP thing is HILAROUS I LOVE that. It won't lead to a prodcutive conversation but it may have a desirable effect for me in the convo.

the example above was one of the craziest because of the utter lack of contact she has had with my SM.

Like small talk 2 times. ever. In life. And she looks at me with this grimace when I was telling her things.

She said 'whatever that fancy car is she has'. I said 'It's a Mercedes SUV. <grimace>. 'Well, I don't know if that is right, but.....'

'I sold it to her - I know exactly what it is' <grimace>, <face that says she's struggling with alternative facts> that is so beyond weird!

If I were on her end I'd be like really? 'Oh ok, I wasn't sure what kind. Obviously you would know or something of that sort.

It's one thing to always be superior about subjects that we both have equal access to knowledge about but quite another when she has nothing but her misunderstanding of what some 3rd party said and to my face tells me I'm wrong when I have first hand knowledge!

I should just think it's funny, and I do, but it also gnaws at me.

She also says with certainly that Dad does not discuss anything of importance with her. I said that isn't true - Dad puts on a Chauvinist face to people for some reason about her, but at home it's totally different.

I went into detail about that and told her things my SM has told me that means he does indeed talk to her about stuff (stuff that wasn't confidential or anything) and she said 'Well, I don't think he does that'. Well, ok.

I just have never known a creature like this!

Love the ESP thing. Wish I'd had that idea to say at that time in that convo!

I wonder how that will go over if I use it some other time.

I think she'd stammer for a minute and then regain her footing and find a way to back up her statements, but it could be fun.

I, a long time ago, read article about how to 'f' with people with N disorder because of another person, but I've never wanted to f with her. I think I know how she devolved this and I have empathy for it, but the constant brain damage on me sucks.

She has really derisive ways of telling me I don't know my ass from my elbow.

[Mattie]

Why in the world have you made this woman your confidant? Keep the conversations superficial, and all your complaints will eventually disappear.

[ticking]

Losing time/energy on something so pointless will be something you regret down the road. If Aunt can't add anything positive to your life then you have the option to detach from her. If she adds something, and you want to keep her around, then I like the suggestion up-thread regarding the ESP line too.

[chb119]

That was way too long, but boiled down, you are responsible for the headaches and stress this is causing you, becasue you engage her.

Stop doing that, problem solved.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Mattie

Why in the world have you made this woman your confidant? Keep the conversations superficial, and all your complaints will eventually disappear.

And, why are you even talking with this woman so often. As an adult, I spoke with my favorite, favorite aunts only once a month or once every six weeks and I only saw, or talked to, some of my aunts once every two to three years.

Of course, people are different my sister called our favorite ( elderly) aunt once every week or two, but Sis too had aunts that she only talked to once a year or once every few years.

My oun adult children love their aunts and uncles very much but never, or very rarely, call them between family get-togethers at Christmas or at weddings or funerals.

[CSD610]

OP: You voluntarily continue to engage this woman and you voluntarily allow her words to control your emotions.
Quit engaging and allowing and the dramatics in your life will drop drastically.

[evening sun]

Just ignore her calls. Don't answer. Live your life.