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No, no it won't. If she wants to pick a fight she will make something up. I said I know I could have just said 'you're right' about the glasses. It wouldn't have mattered if she was in the mood to pick a fight.
She doesn't back away when someone tries to just agree or say 'sure. She digs in. Well, isn't it? And then bring up stuff she thinks she remembers well to make her point. She's going to make it one way or another.
Can't you just be entertained by the argument over where my TV is? That is FUNNY.!
Yes, yes it will.
Do you secretly enjoy the drama? I think you do. There are people(much to my dismay) who aren't happy if they don't have some drama and a feud going full throttle with someone.
I don't get it.
I recently cut ties with someone I was becoming friendly with who always had some drama going on, it if it wasn't her sister, it was a neighbor, or someone else. No thanks.
We were having lunch one time and her phone kept getting texts, she was in a nasty argument with her sister(over nonsense nothing major), she wanted to show me the texts, I said "why can't you just say you're busy and turn your phone off"(some people don't seem to know phones can be turned off).
She looked at me like I had two heads, I realized right there she enjoyed the drama. Logic and keeping angst out of her life weren't what she wanted. I don't get it and I don't want to hear about it. If someone has a real problem I will more than listen, but this crap(and it sounds just like your aunt), no way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Well clearly you haven't gleaned a damn thing from our posts as you continue to engage her.
A lot of intelligent posters who are far wiser and more experienced than you gave you tons of good advice.
Don't expect anyone to continue to waste their time on you.
You and your Aunt are certainly cut from the same cloth.
Ironically, my husband has been given an employee that knows everything, about everything. It is nothing short of amazing.
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Do you secretly enjoy the drama? I think you do. There are people(much to my dismay) who aren't happy if they don't have some drama and a feud going full throttle with someone.
I don't get it.
I recently cut ties with someone I was becoming friendly with who always had some drama going on, it if it wasn't her sister, it was a neighbor, or someone else. No thanks.
We were having lunch one time and her phone kept getting texts, she was in a nasty argument with her sister(over nonsense nothing major), she wanted to show me the texts, I said "why can't you just say you're busy and turn your phone off"(some people don't seem to know phones can be turned off).
She looked at me like I had two heads, I realized right there she enjoyed the drama. Logic and keeping angst out of her life weren't what she wanted. I don't get it and I don't want to hear about it. If someone has a real problem I will more than listen, but this crap(and it sounds just like your aunt), no way.
So? Just keep agreeing with her. Half the problem is still the fact that you do eventually argue with her just like she wants you to. Why do you keep giving her precisely what she wants if it bothers you so much? Try agreeing with her every single time she "digs in" and keeps trying to start an argument. I guarantee, she'll eventually lose her temper and then she'll walk away the frustrated one, not you.
I don't understand - now you think the arguments are funny? If you're entertained by them, why did you start this topic? If you're not entertained by them, why do you think we would be? Is this topic actually just an elaborate hoax you thought would be funny?
Nope. I have not thought the other ones were funny. At first, I couldn't see that she displays traits of NPD. So I was always wondering what I was doing wrong. It made me depressed. She was so helpful to me and my brother after my Mom died there was so much to do and she was the only one willing and able to help. I didn't understand at all the arguments out of nowhere. Flashes of extreme anger over nothing (nothing I could tell). I was just startled and figuratively had my jaw hanging open.
I decided she was stressed or, based on her convos about other people maybe I did or said something I didn't realize had offended her or whatever.
I started to feel like she has NPD but that didn't fit with the way she is always helping other people. All the time. N's are normally very selfish.
But one day I saw a fantastic display of Narcissistic injury and the resulting screaming I was like holy moo. Apparently N's can be very unselfish in helping. Gives them a platform of someone who is lower than them to make them feel good about themselves.
Also, please understand that if you love and care about someone and realize they have a problem that is no fault of their own, it causes you to have sympathy for it.
N's feel terrible inside. That is why they make other people feel terrible. It's very sad, how they feel and react to the world.
She's had moments where she was real with me and that was helpful. She had picked out a toilet for me on her own one day, we hadn't discussed it. She was lending me her experience with remodeling in my condo.
She said I bought you a commode, who do you want to install it? I told her, and she arranged it, while I was house and pet sitting for my brother. I asked her the cost and reimbursed her.
Later, we were in Home Depot or some place like that and I saw a commode for $78. I said how can one be that cheap? She said it's a crappy one. The one I got you is a good brand. That one isn't worth the money to install. She went on to describe how you can flush golf balls in this one and how great it is.
I said, ok, glad I have a good one. I totally meant it. I know that super-cheap stuff is often not worth a penny if you have to replace it. I merely wondered how one could be so cheap. I had assumed what I paid was an average price.
She kept bringing it up. 'nothing is ever resolved for you' I was like wait what do you mean? It's 100% settled. I have a good commode worth every penny I paid for it. It will last a long time and not break, the other one is a cheap piece of crap that would cause me to spend even more replacing it again.
She said 'ok, I felt criticized'. I was really glad for her to actually express her feeling instead of attacking me. I thought that was progress. I was able to assure her I was not critical in the least. She did me a big favor taking the time to pick one out and arrange installment and I was happy and grateful. And there have been a couple other times I've been able to break through a round and round and find out the real issue and resolve it.
No, I do not enjoy drama. It sends me running for the hills, actually.
Finding it funny about the TV thing is healthy. It is funny, there is no way around that. Finding it funny is better than feeling hurt. When I'm around her a lot she makes me feel I don't know whether it's night or day.
Not knowing where my own TV is when I'm sitting here looking at it ...... yes, it's better to find that funny than to be upset, hurt, mad, irritated, etc.
Her thinking she knows better than me about when I need glasses is also funny. Not funny as in I enjoy a convo like that and look forward to more. Funny as in if it had to occur, I may as well see the humor in it.
To me that is like pointing at my cat and saying 'that's a dog'. Like 1984 I'm being brainwashed. So no, it's not fun. At all.
I have rushed through these posts. But I think really why the OP is having difficulty with this situation is because it's not all black and white. Her aunt has been good to her in many ways, and as she says her aunt is a good person. However, she also has this tendency to be a "know it all".
Second, it seems the OP doesn't really have anywhere to vent, and so she chose to do so here anonymously, which is often helpful for people in her circumstance...you might be surprised how many people do not have someone they can trust to vent and say things they need to say in confidence.
OP, under the circumstances, I think you may already have a solution ... mostly, try to control the conversation when you can, and control your responses when you cannot control the conversation. Compartmentalize your conversations so that the ones that are irritating to you can just be "set on a shelf" and ignored ... keep it superficial, with lots of "um hum"s and "yeah"s...and don't worry about trying to correct your aunt. Just let her roll and move on...I think that will make things a lot easier for you since you realistically do need to communicate with her.
And when you need to vent or relay one of her astonishingly weird conversations with you, write them down whether you share them here or not. Maybe one day you'll see you have enough to write some sort of book, maybe after your aunt is gone?
Best of luck with this interesting situation!
Thank you very much for your kind, thoughtful post. Yes, that is exactly the issue. It's also a two way street. I like to be helpful to her when I can. She is this way because she feels poorly about herself. When I can, I like to make her feel good about herself w/o having to resort to NPD methods of doing it for herself.
She said one thing she enjoys about me is I 'get' her sense of humor. And she has an incredible ability to come up with the most absurd things to say, on the spot. The kinds of things everyone wants to be able to think of in the moment and can't.
We had a problem with squirrels and rats because the HOA didn't notice holes that had been created for them to crawl in for warmth. The manager told everyone it was the fault of people like ME who feed stray cats and draw other critters. I hadn't done that in a long time, though.
My downstairs neighbor was driving me up a tree asking me every day and night do you hear them? No, I don't. I don't have them. They must be only downstairs for some reason. Are you sure? Yes I am sure. Are you feeding any animals? Nope. But it went on and on and on. She was convinced I was feeding and/or had them up here and wasn't getting traps for them or whatever. I said multiple times I will let you know if I do but nothing would make her stop!
My Aunt said tell you you keep all your vermin in cages so not to worry about a thing. That will shut her up. I was howling. Imagining the look on my neighbor's face.
And we embellished on that for a while. She can do that with anything. So no, not black and white at all.
I just ..... she took my dog. Well, since my mother died it was decided that the dog would stay with my brother but I get 'visitation'. When the dog needs a nurse or my brother (disabled) can't care for her temporarily.
I wasn't around when my brother last fell and needed me to take the dog so he called her. I asked when is she coming here? And she said 'she's not - I'm enjoying her'.
Oh really? Well, maybe I'd enjoy one of your pets does that mean I can take them?
I don't understand her brain.
And she makes the dog stay on a leash INSIDE. She has no idea how to care for a dog. She went out of town and had to drop her here, to her dismay, as she knows I won't let her take her back.
She said 'she has hardly been eating'. This is a dog who would eat until she popped if we let her. It didn't cross her mind that barely eating for three weeks indicates a problem?
This is crazy and hurtful. She knows how much I love the dog and visa-versa. She ripped the leash from her hand to run up my stairs to get to me.
I am her A number one person since Mom died. I was always a very close second. In the past my Aunt did that thing where she replaces my thoughts and feelings with her own. 'You don't really want the dog. You don't need the hassle'. Things like that. What? Yes I do.
I'm lucky she had to go out of town. It's the anniversary of my Mom's death and having her dog with me is comforting.
Also, the dog was obviously stressed over there because she is eating here. Anyway, she wants her back today. NO.
I'm stressing over the wording. With anyone else I'd say I get little time with the dog as it is. I don't want to share my visitation rights. I can't say what I want which is what planet are you from?
I'm going to attempt the version I'd say to a normal person and see if I can reach the normalcy in her.
I have notes for if she turns on 'verbal combat mode'. Sad that I have to do that. She might know it's a lost cause and just figure she'll make sure to get there first to take her next time.
My father said 'have her call me' and that is in my notes for the verbal combat mode if it comes.
'My attorney has advised me to direct all inquiries into the matter of the dog's custody and visitation agreement to him'.
Stop contact. Do not answer the phone or the door.
There is non reason for you to be speaking to her at all.
You are in control of your own destiny. So shut her down. Now.
I hear ya. I really do. But she is the one my brother calls when he is in trouble. Which is ironic. Because she doesn't have the same end-goals for him that he does.
But she does assist in the short-term. She will immediately respond to an urgent situation.
For myself, I've been refreshing my memory on gaslighting and narcissistic abuse and the strategies to employ.
And it's ironic that I have to worry about my narcissistic brother but he has MS which is cruel and having NPD is also cruel to the peeps that have it. They feel as miserable inside as they make others.
When she dropped the dog off I was successful in not letting her take control of the conversation. I am tired of the endless new loop of vicious cruelty with which she speaks of my brother.
I vent about him when I need to - when he has hurt me or done something bad - but I can't even describe how cruel she is towards him. (conversations about him).
I guess another narcissist is the ultimate enemy of one.
One of her tactics with everyone is to make up her mind about something and God himself can't tell her otherwise.
My brother finally is willing to do PT and that is a good thing. But she keeps repeating the past. Over and over when it comes up.
'He won't even do this exercise' (demonstrates). me: 'I know but now he wants to .....' 'He wants to do stupid things that don't make any sense' me: 'I know he has in the past, but this time ......' 'No, no, no'. me: 'ok' (to end it).
Also, my family is dwindling. It's not so easy to totally erase a family member under any circumstances (to me) but even harder now.
But she is the one my brother calls when he is in trouble.
So let him.
They can only drive you crazy if you hand them the keys.
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