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I moved out of my home state nearly 2 years ago. It's a 3 hour plane ride and I myself have made the trip back 4 times already and have taken my kids 3 times. I knew when I moved that I would most likely shoulder most of the burden of travel since my own family of origin is stubborn and my mother isn't able to travel much these days but.....
The thing is, I am already tired of it being ME who has to spend copious amounts of money, arrange our schedule and deal with the hassles of traveling. NO ONE in my own family has come to visit us once. NO ONE has expressed any real interest in visiting us. Granted, our move wasn't exactly a favored one from my family's point of view but I had hoped that nearly 2 years in they would have some sort of inkling to see the life we've created here and want to share with them.
My husband's family is totally different; my FIL has been out 3 times, my SIL and her family 3 times and my MIL now lives here.
A conversation that I had with my father as he was driving us to the airport was illuminating because he told me that he "thinks" that my siblings feel as if since I'm the one who moved that I am the one who should always travel back. Is that the way it is supposed to be? Should the ones who've moved away shoulder that burden? Am I responsible for always having to come back to see everyone just because I was wanting a better life in another state and didn't ever want to live off my parent's money?
You're the one who left. They assume that you travel not just to see them, but to go HOME. Where you live now is not home for them. They have no connection (other than you) to that area. And if your location doesn't have a tourist draw (like Washington DC, Orlando, etc.), that's going to give them even less motivation to go to you.
The fact that you are related by blood does not obligate you to do anything so make a choice to continue to put forth the effort to visit, limit your visits to one time every year, every other year or whatever time frame you choose, remind your
family that roads and airplanes do go both ways.
Is it my responsibilty to always come back to visit?
It seems that way in the minds of others. We moved away from the bulk of our varied (all from previous marriages) children and grandchildren 8.5 years ago when I retired. They're scattered all over in California, Texas, Ohio and North Carolina. We're in the Missouri Ozarks. This is where we wanted to live out our days. How selfish of us! Since then we've made numerous trips to those in California and Ohio. Only my two sons and their families from Ohio and my wife's two daughters and family from California have been to visit, once each, and we paid for the latter two here and back. Everyone seems to be under the presumption that we will do and bear the costs of visits. They presume wrong.
My wife and I are 68 and 70, respectively. I had significant neurosurgery some years back which saved my life but left me with some physical deficits. My wife has had a number of health and physical issues requiring several surgeries and can't sit for long periods of time. We've made it clear that our flying and long driving days are over yet the presumptions seem to persist.
I primarily chalk up the dearth of offspring visits to some degree of laziness, entitlement and lack of true caring which I'm sure all would deny. My youngest son is the exception. With both of us being retired we're on somewhat reduced and fixed incomes and such travel puts a financial strain on us now. It's just not going to happen anymore, nor are we going to pay for the "pleasure" of their company any longer.
Does or should it really matter who left? When it comes to physical visits I think not. None of us need to nor should we be tied down to proximity.
I enjoy the trips, to a point. It's good to see my old friends and my husband's family, but I'm always reminded of why I'm glad that I left when I'm in the middle of my family dynamic again. It feels really good to be completely on our own; even with my MIL living here now we still act as if she doesn't because we've come to realize that relying upon ourselves makes us happier. She ends up being the one to babysit our kids, as we've gotten so used to being on our own.
Regarding my own parents, I doubt they will ever come to visit us. My father is fine to travel but my mother is not. They can well afford first class travel and my father would make sure my mother is fully accommodated by any airline; she's disabled, can walk, but things are hard for her, so airplane travel would be very difficult. Although, I have some trouble dealing with that, as my parents travel 4-5 hours by car to the family vacation house in Mexico on a fairly regular basis. I know that air travel is obviously different than car travel but I'm hopeful that my mom would be well enough to eventually travel to see us out here.
Well, if they can travel to Mexico, I don't see why they can't come & visit you. Maybe don't go back for a while & see if that makes them want to come & see you & the family.
I moved out of my home state nearly 2 years ago. It's a 3 hour plane ride and I myself have made the trip back 4 times already and have taken my kids 3 times. I knew when I moved that I would most likely shoulder most of the burden of travel since my own family of origin is stubborn and my mother isn't able to travel much these days but.....
The thing is, I am already tired of it being ME who has to spend copious amounts of money, arrange our schedule and deal with the hassles of traveling. NO ONE in my own family has come to visit us once. NO ONE has expressed any real interest in visiting us. Granted, our move wasn't exactly a favored one from my family's point of view but I had hoped that nearly 2 years in they would have some sort of inkling to see the life we've created here and want to share with them.
My husband's family is totally different; my FIL has been out 3 times, my SIL and her family 3 times and my MIL now lives here.
A conversation that I had with my father as he was driving us to the airport was illuminating because he told me that he "thinks" that my siblings feel as if since I'm the one who moved that I am the one who should always travel back. Is that the way it is supposed to be? Should the ones who've moved away shoulder that burden? Am I responsible for always having to come back to see everyone just because I was wanting a better life in another state and didn't ever want to live off my parent's money?
Relationships are a two-way street. If they can't be bothered to ever travel and visit you, then you shouldn't feel obligated to do the same.
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Is it my responsibilty to always come back to visit?
Since then we've made numerous trips to those in California and Ohio. Only my two sons and their families from Ohio and my wife's two daughters and family from California have been to visit, once each, and we paid for the latter two here and back. Everyone seems to be under the presumption that we will do and bear the costs of visits. They presume wrong.
