Have you ever stepped on it?? (member, children, conversation, acquaintance)
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Was recently on FB (not the point of thread) and typed a private message to an old friend that I have't seen in 25 plus years. She was my HS gf and we went to the prom together and all of that. I asked her because on her page I noticed that she has no mention of kids or posts or comments to indicate having children. We are both in our later 40's and I'm usually curious when people our age don't have children, what their reasons are. IDK, for some reason since there are so few people that don't have children that I always find it interesting what their motivations were.
I asked her in nice polite way about this subject and explained to her my reasoning for not having kids. I told her a couple of times that if I'm out of line or if she doesn't want to answer, that it was fine and no pressure etc etc etc.
Well she never answered the question, which is fine. She must have seen my message to her because a few days later I saw her liking things etc. I guess what I'm saying is that I sorta feel like an insensitive boob. It never may of occurred to me that something tragic may have happened to her, maybe she did have kids and they died, whatever, fill in what horrible thing you could think of. It also maybe occurred to me that she couldn't have kids and this was a real upsetting thing for her. It could be a few things but I guess what I'm saying is that luckily in life I've been sorta lucky and haven't made too many faux pas, I have, but for some reason this one is sorta bothering me. I was laying in bed last night thinking about it and was just cringing wishing that I hadn't asked. I know that it's a fairly common thing in a sense that people talk about kids etc etc etc.
I guess I'm just wondering how many of these social gaffs have other people done. It could be any situation work, at a party, whatever. Have you ever found out later something and realized that maybe you might have stepped on it????
Was recently on<delete> (not the point of thread) and typed a private message to an old friend that I have't seen in 25 plus years. She was my HS gf and we went to the prom together and all of that. I asked her because on her page I noticed that she has no mention of kids or posts or comments to indicate having children. We are both in our later 40's and I'm usually curious when people our age don't have children, what their reasons are. IDK, for some reason since there are so few people that don't have children that I always find it interesting what their motivations were.
I asked her in nice polite way about this subject and explained to her my reasoning for not having kids. I told her a couple of times that if I'm out of line or if she doesn't want to answer, that it was fine and no pressure etc etc etc.
Well she never answered the question, which is fine. She must have seen my message to her because a few days later I saw her liking things etc. I guess what I'm saying is that I sorta feel like an insensitive boob. It never may of occurred to me that something tragic may have happened to her, maybe she did have kids and they died, whatever, fill in what horrible thing you could think of. It also maybe occurred to me that she couldn't have kids and this was a real upsetting thing for her. It could be a few things but I guess what I'm saying is that luckily in life I've been sorta lucky and haven't made too many faux pas, I have, but for some reason this one is sorta bothering me. I was laying in bed last night thinking about it and was just cringing wishing that I hadn't asked. I know that it's a fairly common thing in a sense that people talk about kids etc etc etc.
I guess I'm just wondering how many of these social gaffs have other people done. It could be any situation work, at a party, whatever. Have you ever found out later something and realized that maybe you might have stepped on it????
Yeah, never do that. They'll tell you what they want to tell you.
When I catch up with someone from my past, the usual rundown for me is where I live, how long I've been married, how many kids I have and what I'm enjoying most about my life. If one of those things is absent from a catch-up conversation, you know it's a big gaping hole not to be explored.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 03-17-2017 at 04:32 PM..
When I was working for the airlines a guy friend and I were at Starbucks and he asked the barista when her baby was due... she got this weird look on her face and said, I am not pregnant. When the drinks were ready I went up around get them ( he was too embarrassed.)
I do not even want to think about all the times I've spoken out of turn. But yes - this is not a great thing to ask about. Many childless women have strong emotions around this. I am past childbearing age and childless and don't especially mind questions about that - but I haven't tried for years to conceive or miscarried, as many have.
I've been on both the giving and receiving end of similar social gaffes. It happens. If she is someone who truly was a friend, I hope that she might realize that you're asking from a place of innocence and genuine curiosity. And hopefully she'll remember that you probably don't know that events xyz happened to her in her life, and that these are the reasons for which she does not have any children.
If she was someone who was just a coworker or acquaintance, then her ignoring you might (might!) be more justified as a response, as it would honestly be none of your business.
I hope she'll reply to you. Even if she doesn't provide a reason, I hope she'll at least reach out and say "hi" to you.
You're one of the more level headed and reasonable posters on here, so I know you weren't asking out of malice. I just think some people clam up because of some negative experiences they have had. Like you said, it is "unusual" for her to not have kids at her age. It could be possible she wanted them and couldn't have in. Or she chose not to have any and people maybe pester her about it.
I'm just speaking from experience. You know my story. People ask me about my relationship status a lot and it can be a bit intrusive/uncomfortable. I've done a few embarrassing things myself and stepped on some toes, but it happens.
If she does respond to you and says she felt "hit" by what you said, just apologize and leave it at that.
She may just feel awkward and not want to address the issue, yet think it would be weird to message back without answering the question you asked. Maybe try reaching out in a month or so in a casual way? That would give you both the opportunity to pretend this never happened.
If someone from high school (about that long ago for me too) suddenly messaged me and asked about my kids or if I had them, I would be kinda creeped out.
If someone from high school (about that long ago for me too) suddenly messaged me and asked about my kids or if I had them, I would be kinda creeped out.
We've been messaging back and forth for a little while now talking about various things. There isn't a sudden component here.
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