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The first thread about the "friend" is sort of a mutual acquaintance, but more of a sports interest guy he hangs out with more. Partner has had no trouble "ghosting" him and has been "busy" since I posted last. He agrees that that guy's behavior was crappy and his response has been to freeze him out, which is appropriate. And that is the general pattern he has with everyone we know EXCEPT for these "childhood pals."
The terrible trio definitely bring out behavior in him that normally lies dormant. I know its there--we have been together long enough that I have no illusions. He likes to drink and has it under control UNLESS he is with these guys. Truth be told, I am no teetotaler except by necessity (such as pregnancy.) We do enjoy entertaining but these guys do not comport themselves as adults.
I AM annoyed that he told his friends about the pregnancy after I expressly asked him not to. I honestly think it was meant to indicate that his time on the party bus was running short, so maybe they had better make plans. Anyone else (with the exception of the freeloader we have jettisoned) would have said "congrats!" but the terrible trio took it as an invite to get their frat boy antics into high gear. And I think that is what he was expecting. He drank 2 beers (not cans, pints) during the conference call to announce this in an hour-its like he can't even have voice contact with them without pounding beer. I do not get it. He is NOT like this with anyone else.
Well you should be. Interesting that the house is just in your name and you have no desire to marry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nurider2002
Interesting. I have a friend I've known for 50 years. She has been a hard core drug attack since she was 18. She is insufferable, manipulative, an emotional drain on those around her. Although I do not invite her to our home or even see her often, she will always be my friend. I still remember the little girl I knew when I was 9 and all the wonderful memories we had growing up. If my spouse told me that I needed to end that friendship, that would be a problem. Although I understand other folks finding her toxic, we have a history and, in a pinch, I will be there for her until the day she dies. Bottom line, just because you are married to me does not give you the right to choose my friends.
I'm sure Leslie Van Houten(Manson girl but at your age you should know the name) was a sweet little girl at age 9, she was even HS prom queen. You do realize people can morph into something not so nice as adults don't you?
From what you wrote it sounds like your "fiend" isn't someone you see or have contact with. I suppose we could call childhood friends our friends even though you haven't seen them in 30 years vs. "childhood friends".
I wonder how you would feel if your "friend" showed up at your house and demanded money, got violent and refused to leave and than lunged at your wife?
Well you should be. Interesting that the house is just in your name and you have no desire to marry.
The house being in my name has nothing to do with this situation. I don't know why people think its weird that a woman would have a house in her name alone. We have separate bank accounts too. He owns some property in his name alone as investments. I am Swedish and this is the norm where I came from. So though there is plenty to chew on here, this single fact is not important.
I don't believe in marriage, but that is a whole other thread. As I say, we had a child together who we lost. I don't think a ceremony and a party will solidify or change the bond we already have. Its just not important to me, but I would go along, given that it would be pleasant. And if these friends show up, it will not be.
Again...the only one who can tell her what to do, is her.
I'm not even sure I understand this statement. Are you suggesting that I mean they're going to tell her to do all the cleaning? Because I don't think that will happen. I just think they're going to make a big mess and won't bother to clean it. And if she desires to live in a clean home, she's going to wind up being the one to clean.
To be perfectly honest, I can't even trust them that far. The night before my SOs sister's wedding (he was best man) they all got so wasted they wrecked a car and he threw up during the photos from a wicked hangover. This was after I retired to my hotel room and he promised that he would NOT be hungover for his sister's wedding. Its like when he gets around them he turns into a completely different person. Luckily he does not see them but once a year at most, usually less, but even that puts a strain on our relationship.
This is an issue that you have with your bf/husband. It is not the friends fault that he behaves this way.
Interesting. I have a friend I've known for 50 years. She has been a hard core drug attack since she was 18. She is insufferable, manipulative, an emotional drain on those around her. Although I do not invite her to our home or even see her often, she will always be my friend. I still remember the little girl I knew when I was 9 and all the wonderful memories we had growing up. If my spouse told me that I needed to end that friendship, that would be a problem. Although I understand other folks finding her toxic, we have a history and, in a pinch, I will be there for her until the day she dies. Bottom line, just because you are married to me does not give you the right to choose my friends.
I agree with this. My spouse would not have to hang with my friends, but he would not be controlling who I chose as my friends.
The house being in my name has nothing to do with this situation. I don't know why people think its weird that a woman would have a house in her name alone. We have separate bank accounts too. He owns some property in his name alone as investments. I am Swedish and this is the norm where I came from. So though there is plenty to chew on here, this single fact is not important.
I don't believe in marriage, but that is a whole other thread. As I say, we had a child together who we lost. I don't think a ceremony and a party will solidify or change the bond we already have. Its just not important to me, but I would go along, given that it would be pleasant. And if these friends show up, it will not be.
I don't think it's weird at all. I think it is telling that based on what you wrote about him(drunk to the point of being sick at this sister's wedding, and a wrecked car, type of people he hangs out with) this isn't someone whose name you want on the deed of a home. He sounds very immature, not someone whose name you want on anything that could cause you a financial issue with a lawsuit.
It's actually smart.
I know of a similar situation where a woman owns her home outright in an very nice area, won't marry live in boyfriend because his credit is a mess, and is still paying child support on 2 of his 4 children. She doesn't want her finances in excellent condition mixed up with his.
I don't think it's weird at all. I think it is telling that based on what you wrote about him(drunk to the point of being sick at this sister's wedding, and a wrecked car, type of people he hangs out with) this isn't someone whose name you want on the deed of a home. He sounds very immature, not someone whose name you want on anything that could cause you a financial issue with a lawsuit.
It's actually smart.
I know of a similar situation where a woman owns her home outright in an very nice area, won't marry live in boyfriend because his credit is a mess, and is still paying child support on 2 of his 4 children. She doesn't want her finances in excellent condition mixed up with his.
He's generally very responsible and mature-- good job, dependable, pays his bills, etc. Its honestly only when he is around these three winners that he loses all control. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. Even one on one with them individually he doesn't act out like this. But get the four of them together and all hell breaks loose.
The sister's wedding resulted in some "separate time" when we returned. I went on an extended impromptu trip to figure out what I was going to do. We ended up reconciling. We even had some couples therapy and he concluded that he doesn't have much in common with these guys. He recognized that these friends were not doing our relationship any favors and went a few years without seeing them. All was fine. But as soon as as we have some change or event, he feels compelled to get in touch. Which leads to a visit. Which leads to nonsense. I dread hearing that we have to see a certain part of his family because he will get together with the idiots and act like one. I don't go unless I absolutely have to.
Well you should be. Interesting that the house is just in your name and you have no desire to marry.
I'm sure Leslie Van Houten(Manson girl but at your age you should know the name) was a sweet little girl at age 9, she was even HS prom queen. You do realize people can morph into something not so nice as adults don't you?
From what you wrote it sounds like your "fiend" isn't someone you see or have contact with. I suppose we could call childhood friends our friends even though you haven't seen them in 30 years vs. "childhood friends".
I wonder how you would feel if your "friend" showed up at your house and demanded money, got violent and refused to leave and than lunged at your wife?
I do still see her. She's been to our home many times over the years however, out of respect not only for my spouse but, for my elderly dad who lives with us and despises her, I do not invite her over. So, if/when I see her, it is usually out for lunch or dinner. I set firm boundaries, no money, no rescuing. Still, we share a common history and there remains a bond. I practically grew up in her house. Her brother and I were best friends as kids until he died at the age of 19. The dysfunction she was raised in was beyond what most can appreciate. I see glimpses of the person she once was and I will always love her, no matter how sick she is. I get that a lot of folks think that is wrong, co-dependent, whatever. But despite an addiction that has robbed her of her soul, she will always be a friend to me.
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I thought you were in my state. Very few states recognize common law marriage.
