How to overcome family dynamics that make you feel like crap... (member, children)

[Harpaint]

I experienced the same thing as the middle girl of three. Once when I was in 3rd grade and my sis in 5th, we had open house at school. My parents spent almost the entire hour in my sister's class and were all set to leave, without even going to my room at all. I could go on and on.

[williamdcastle]

Wait until you get married and have children...and your brothers get married and have children...and see how their spouses and grandchildren are treated compared to yours...it's a whole new level.

[Harpaint]

Originally Posted by williamdcastle

Wait until you get married and have children...and your brothers get married and have children...and see how their spouses and grandchildren are treated compared to yours...it's a whole new level.

Yep. And then when the parents get old and need help, guess who the whole family expects to do it ALL. The best thing is to go to college away from them and then NEVER move back. Out of state worked for me.

[Nov3]

It's so sad that favoritism still goes with a gender. Sorry to that your enduring this.

I am a parent and have a heck of a time with how my son's are treated by family and friends. My eldest is accomplished..Married with charming and behaved children. He excells in all his endeavors. My youngest has to endure being in the shadows. He is quiet,intelligent ,and does have a psychological disorder. It ires me that family is so ignorant of this condition and thus label my youngest as odd,peculiar. He isn't odd ..He is more intune to the environment and takes to heart the shunning. I do my best to shield him...Yet even the counselor we have said that the family members have done their damage..
I assure you Op- since I've witnessed it and listened to my youngest...It's heartbreaking that such still goes on amongst adults.

My oldest son doesn't see the effect his constant attention getting overshadows his brothers desire to be treated kindly. Share the limelight..
Stay true to yourself and know you are of value.

[jonesg]

Originally Posted by bell235

No, actually in the post above i just said that i feel like if i talked to them about it that they would put it on me. that has happened once or twice before - like "oh well you must just be unhappy with something in your own life for that to bother you" or something along those lines.

And they'd be right.
But if you don't want to look at the only thing you can change (yourself) then you cannot learn.
Approval seeking a form of dishonesty.
Finger pointing at the other imperfect humans we live with is a sure fire way to blind ourselves to our own shortcoming.

[bell235]

Originally Posted by Harpaint

Yep. And then when the parents get old and need help, guess who the whole family expects to do it ALL. The best thing is to go to college away from them and then NEVER move back. Out of state worked for me.

Well thats the funny thing - i also get the most grief about things.

If my brothers dont call or visit, no big deal, if i dont call or visit - "why dont you care about us anymore" WTF! Its like if youre going to acknowledge me the least then you should care the least about what i do. But somehow i get all the complaints too. So this results in just a weird vicious cycle of emotions lol

[Hollytree]

Originally Posted by bell235

Spending the day with my family yesterday for Father's day is really prompting me to post this... i will try to keep it short.

I'm the youngest and the only girl in my family with two older brothers. For whatever reason my brothers are "praised" a lot more than I am.. for all sorts of things. I think this has happened my whole life but now as an adult at 29 i think i'm starting to realize and notice it a lot more. For example - i could say that i did something over the weekend and i will get a mediocre response. my brothers could say they did the same exact thing and my parents will react as if it's the greatest thing ever. To add to this, my parents like my brother's significant others a lot more than they like my boyfriend. so same thing - i could say my boyfriend and i did something and it will be "meh", and if my brother and his wife say they did the same thing it's the greatest thing in the history of the world lol.

There were a bunch of different things yesterday that happened while we were all together that left me feeling SO crappy and upset. I don't want to go into it because it will be too long of a post - but one thing was about the card we got my dad. *I* picked out the card. my dad loved the card and thought it was funny. he says to my brother - where did you get the card from? he just assumed that my brother got it... i'm like no actually i got the card (this is just an example). Another thing was that i brought up an interesting fact as a topic of conversation that my dad was shocked by - a few hours go by and he brings it back up and thought that my brother was the one who stated the fact. so again i said "no that was me who mentioned that".

This seems to happen time and time again. I'll leave a family function feeling so unimportant and invisible and declare that i'm done with them to the point that i am in tears... but then a few days will go by and i get over it and the cycle repeats.

i don't know how to deal with this anymore. I always tell myself to be the bigger person and to just let it go but then i stop and think about how it's not fair to be treated like that. and now as an adult, i can make connections about how this has affected my personality all throughout my life.

has anyone ever dealt with this? i'm obviously not going to cut off my family and never speak to them again but i need a coping mechanism that's better than leave in tears every single time.

There are a lot of cultures in which the males are valued more than the girls since they carry the family name. This has nothing to do with you personally. Do you come from an ethnic culture?

What kinds of attitudes towards women in general has your father expressed?

[evillouie]

OP, I an so sorry for you. I completely understand. I am the youngest in my family as well (although I'm a son). It doesn't matter how successful my career is or how well my daughter is doing in school. I am also an accomplished musician with several CD's to my name but no one wants to know.

But, when someone who is part of the "in-crowd" in the family mentions that they cleaned out their attic and found some old magazines from the 1960's and a ticket from a 1950's hockey game, (yes, really!) everyone listens in awe, as if it's the word of God. Go figure!

Since they don't want to know, I have put my effort into friendships instead. Now I have super-close friendships with some of the most wonderful people that I could ever wish to meet. And their appreciation seems to know no bounds.

OP, I'm not sure if I'm offering anything here that hasn't been said already, but I wanted to know that I truly sympathize and that you are not alone with these family dynamics!

[bondaroo]

Oh man, I feel for you. I am you, but 21 years older. I have finally made peace with the dynamics of my family, because my parents have both passed (guess who took care of them in their old age?).

Originally Posted by bell235

It helps to hear people understand to be honest.

Because I feel like if i told my parents about this and how i feel they'd spin it around on me and say i'm just insecure or something. or maybe i'm unhappy with my life so that's why it bothers me.

It feels good to hear that my feelings are at least real and valid, thanks

Your feelings are very real and valid. In my case, I did talk to my parents - and yes, they turned it on me. I was accused of "taking things personally, like you always do". As if the treatment wasn't personal.

Originally Posted by bell235

I don't know. Probably not. I could ask them. They are a lot more unphased by my parents actions/words. but then again, they are treated better lol

I also talked in small bits over the years with my brothers. My older brother is totally oblivious and agreed with our parents. My twin brother saw it, but had no answer for me, he just went along with it.

There was one particular Christmas when I was about your age where I spent a lot of time and energy collecting things for a gift my twin and I gave our parents together. My brother helped, but I organized it and I lived in the same town so I got the restaurant gift certificates and wrapped it and all that. When our parents opened it, they kept asking my brother how he came up with such a wonderful gift. At one point he looked at me and raised his eyebrows - he got it. But never said anything to them.

The stories go on and on and on.

My advice as someone who has shed so many tears over this, the only way to get out of it is to get out of it. Emotionally disengage. They will never change.

My moment of waking up from how it was affecting things was when older brother's daughter got married, 3 years ago. Our parents were already dead. My husband, 19 year old daughter and I were left out of a big family gathering with all of the out of town relatives the week of the wedding, including my twin brother and his family. My 19 year old daughter told me "just forget it, they don't like us". Near broke my heart, but she was sort of right. I don't think they don't like us, they just don't consider us. Which hurts just as much, and maybe worse. My husband is correct, I think, in that my brothers were taught by our parents how to treat me, and by extension, my family.

I also have an older sister, who was always the black sheep and treated worse than I was. When I finally "got it", I called her and apologized for not seeing things for what they were. I tried so hard to get my parents and brothers to value me, I often sided with them about my sister. We've had a rocky relationship, but always had each other's backs, and she's never disrespected me like the boys have repeatedly. And at the ripe old age of 49, I finally am at peace.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[bell235]

Originally Posted by Hollytree

There are a lot of cultures in which the males are valued more than the girls since they carry the family name. This has nothing to do with you personally. Do you come from an ethnic culture?

What kinds of attitudes towards women in general has your father expressed?

My mother is italian - her mother (my grandmother) was off the boat from siciliy. my dad's side is german and czeckeslovakian (butchered that spelling i'm sure).

i don't think it's a culture thing to be honest. i don't know what it is. my dad treats my mom great. my mom is probably more head of the household too, she takes care of everything. i have been trying to wrap my head around this and find out the "why". but i dont know - maybe the why is not needed. i just need to learn how to cope or disengage like the prior poster said.