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I once added up all the donations I made over the course of a year to various office celebrations, and it was over $300 out of my pocket. For what, exactly? I thought about it for awhile, and when I next switched jobs, I decided that I would plead poverty and no longer donate, give cards, or even socialize with anyone at the new job. I was in the process of returning to school, so I had a chance to build a completely separate circle of friends.
That turned out to be a great decision! I remained totally outside of all the drama and was only one of two people who didn't lose their job during the next round of downsizing.
I was polite: if someone got engaged, I wished him or her well, but beyond that, it had nothing to do with work, so it wasn't my responsibility.
To some extent, I continue that to this day. I do bring "healthy snacks" into the break room when there are too many donuts around, but I don't donate money or attend showers. I do have coffee and go on bike rides with co-workers in other divisions, but I keep socializing with those who work in my office to an absolute minimum.
Perhaps you might consider something similar: build another social circle and keep work for work-related interactions only.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland
OP, I understand what you mean, not the sex reference ( I think you just said that because of being fed up) but the always being invited to give money part.
Where I used to work, the single women used to complain about it too. They always had to shell out money for gifts for a co-worker who was getting married or a shower gift for a baby. People would go around taking donations or sometimes we'd all be invited to the party at the person's house. I was married so I didn't "get" why they were so upset. After I thought about it, I understood.
These single women were not dual income earners yet they had to dole out money on a regular basis to people who had two incomes. The single women couldn't always quite afford it and they never got anything given to them. Some of them had no interest in marriage at all but they had to play along. It kind of wasn't fair but my advice would be to suck it up and just go along with it. Otherwise, you'll be shunned by the rest of your co-workers. Even if the parties are held at work, you still need to participate, like it or not. It's not fair, but it's part of the working life. You need to remain on good terms with your co-workers-- sometime you may need help from them or a letter of reference and then you'll get paid back, I hope.
You bring up a very good point. Why am I supporting people who have the discretionary income to have a spouse and kids when I'm barely making rent myself? I'm definitely never contributing to another marriage or kid fund long as I live.
Uh... Engagement and babies are not all about sex. It's about people finding the person who they want to be with forever though all things, not just sex; and pregnancy is about celebrating a new life in the world. If you don't care, you can choose not to pretend to care. It might make you look a certain way to other people depending on how you present yourself in those situations, but if that's who you are, it's who you are.
It's not celebrating sex itself, at all, it's just celebrating huge marks in a person's life. Engagement, marriage, and pregnancy and birth are a big deal to many people. But again, you don't have to celebrate it for other people, at the risk of making yourself look bad or alienating yourself from the rest of the work group, depending on how others around you see it. Though, being expected to contribute financially, that one would definitely **** me off. I would celebrate with them on the surface for my own image's sake despite if I cared or not, but not give my own money to them.
OP, I understand what you mean, not the sex reference ( I think you just said that because of being fed up) but the always being invited to give money part.
Where I used to work, the single women used to complain about it too. They always had to shell out money for gifts for a co-worker who was getting married or a shower gift for a baby. People would go around taking donations or sometimes we'd all be invited to the party at the person's house. I was married so I didn't "get" why they were so upset. After I thought about it, I understood.
These single women were not dual income earners yet they had to dole out money on a regular basis to people who had two incomes. The single women couldn't always quite afford it and they never got anything given to them. Some of them had no interest in marriage at all but they had to play along. It kind of wasn't fair but my advice would be to suck it up and just go along with it. Otherwise, you'll be shunned by the rest of your co-workers. Even if the parties are held at work, you still need to participate, like it or not. It's not fair, but it's part of the working life.You need to remain on good terms with your co-workers-- sometime you may need help from them or a letter of reference and then you'll get paid back, I hope.
What you're describing are shakedowns. There's no denying it. And it's wrong. It should NOT be part of working life, to have to fund your co-workers' weddings, baby showers, or whatever. That has never been part of my working life. Little office parties, yes. Monetary or gift donations, no.
How does anyone know if the single women are barely making their monthly expenses, which could include college loan debt? No one has the right to demand money from a co-worker. In whose world is that reasonable?!
And one shouldn't have to buy off one's co-workers in order to maintain pleasant working relations with them. That's outrageous! Since when did the workplace become a location and occasion for grubbing money from strangers you happen to share an office with? WTbloodyH??!! If the married co-workers are fine with it, that's their choice. Single co-workers should be exempt from the shakedown.
Single co-workers should be exempt from the shakedown.
That's a bit dramatic, and it's really not "outrageous." It happens in offices everywhere. Some offices use petty cash to pay for the celebration. Others take up a collection.
The contribution should be whatever amount the giver decides. An amount should not be suggested.
But it's hardly a "shakedown." It's just part of a group celebration. The OP just needs to decide how much she cares about the group with whom she spends most of her days.
Imagine a scenario where it was normal and expected to have celebrations at work about events that you don't care about and that don't involve you.
I don't have to imagine, it happens here all the time. Funny thing is, though... I don't actually care. I'm fine saying something polite to someone and going on my way.
You bring up a very good point. Why am I supporting people who have the discretionary income to have a spouse and kids when I'm barely making rent myself? I'm definitely never contributing to another marriage or kid fund long as I live.
This. And you shouldn't be expected to. The implication, no, the clearly stated point here, that you have to give money to co-workers in order to remain in their good graces, for the sake of office harmony is a form of blackmail.
So how far could this go, let me guess; someone politely opts out of the gift-giving part of it, time and again. Then after a year or so, they're let go, for "not being a team player". For what, for the crime of being in an entry-level position or close to it, having massive student debt to pay off, and being in a situation of just scraping by? No. Just no.
Imagine a scenario where it was normal and expected to have celebrations at work about events that you don't care about and that don't involve you.
That part of it isn't a big deal. You join in for 10 or 15 minutes, then you say you have work to do, and go back to your desk. I see no issue here, other than a fair amount of office time wasted on a regular basis, but if management is ok with that, it's their call. I can see why the Germans on the Europe forum feel that not much work gets done in American offices, though.
Imagine a scenario where it was normal and expected to have celebrations at work about events that you don't care about and that don't involve you.
I believe most people refer to this as life.
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