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OP,
I have never thought being best friends with opposite sex is a good idea. Because of things like this.
She already showed you over and over again she wants no romantic relationship with you. But you kept reminding her over and over how you were in love with her. To the point you scared her away.
Seriously, she met someone else, someone she share romantic feelings with. I bet she would have loved to tell you all all about him, at all hours of the night and share all the details. After all, that's what best friends do.... But she couldn't because she probably figured you would be upset...because you are crazy in love with her as well. I bet she would have loved for you to be her "brides-man"....her best friend....at her wedding.
I don't blame her for doing what she is doing. I really don't.
Moderator cut: delete
Last edited by Miss Blue; 09-27-2017 at 04:54 PM..
Reason: snark remark
Anyway, my question was more, if this happened to you (generic you) would you give the offender another chance?
No, I wouldn't, and I didn't. I ended a relationship a few months ago when I discovered that the guy had flat-out lied to me about something very important.
To me, trust is the bedrock foundation of a relationship. Love is built on trust. Lying is the ultimate deal-breaker for me. Once I found out this guy had lied, I knew I could never trust anything he said to me in the future, and I began to question the truth of things he had told me before. When trust is gone, love is destroyed.
So to answer your question, no, I wouldn't give the offender another chance. She's shown you very clearly she's not to be trusted. When people show you who they are, you should believe them.
I'm not understanding why you wish to stay friends with this woman who you love but who apparently doesn't feel the same about you. Won't it be painful for you to stay in her life while she is marrying someone else? How are you going to feel if you are invited to the wedding? When they have their first child? Why would you want to put yourself through all that? I say make a clean break and quit torturing yourself.
If you had truly wanted out, you would have been gone.
"Give her another chance"? Someone did something roughly similar to me once and that was it. I had no trouble terminating that relationship.
Yep, I let her talk me into staying. But, didn't expect her to lie to me about anything after the fact. I gave her a chance and ended up getting burned. Live and learn. Life goes on...
As for your experience, do you hold with the belief of "turning the other cheek"? Just a question. As for me, giving anyone another chance isn't about them, but about me. Trying to be a better person in a general sense. A lot of people won't treat you well in this world. Do you just put up walls and keep everyone out? or hold onto bitter feelings forever? I'm just not seeing the point in that long term. How does that make you (generic you again) a better person in your own life? If I did something with the best of intentions but ended up hurting someone, I'd hope for another chance to at least try and show contrition and make amends. But that's just me.
She didn't exactly lie, she omitted. You backed her into a corner, and she had to take awhile to think about it.
I agree with OP, that a straightforward approach might have been better.
OP, she's not romance material. Sounds like she'll really leave a hole in your life, but unless you plan on hanging around on the edge of her life, I'd move on.
OP,
I have never thought being best friends with opposite sex is a good idea. Because of things like this.
She already showed you over and over again she wants no romantic relationship with you. But you kept reminding her over and over how you were in love with her. To the point you scared her away.
Seriously, she met someone else, someone she share romantic feelings with. I bet she would have loved to tell you all all about him, at all hours of the night and share all the details. After all, that's what best friends do.... But she couldn't because she probably figured you would be upset...because you are crazy in love with her as well. I bet she would have loved for you to be her "brides-man"....her best friend....at her wedding.
I don't blame her for doing what she is doing. I really don't.
Anyways,
I get from reading this forums many people can't take a hint.
You seem really generous to give the friend the benefit of doubt here. Same with the OP.
Bad decisions are definitely part and parcel of the person, so the whole "it isn't her" isn't going to fly. Especially when she compounded on the lie by saying essentially that the OP isn't the last to know. I'm sure she's justified it by thinking well, he's next to last to know. That's not any better and goes to show how low the OP rank in terms of friendship. I don't really get how or why the whole "better person" angle has to be done here. Friendship has run its course here and things aren't going to be the same. It happens.
Personally, I wouldn't bother trying to be friends or giving another chance. It never works out and always seems to be more problematic than before.
Perfect reply! You read the post (the full first one obviously) and pulled out some of the exact thoughts I had but never included. So many kudos to you and I'll rep you for that. Um, if I can figure that out. Usually only read these forums.
My purpose in posting this was not to get advice but to get different perspectives and see if there might be a different way to look at the situation that I hadn't before. Of course all my friend are on my side, but they're my friends, so I expect a level of friend bias in their comments hence throwing this out to the masses on the 'net.
The only thing I disagree with you on is, again, the pining part (and yes, I know exactly what it is, you're just wrong there). I'm not looking or hoping or wanting anything with her. Haven't for sometime which I stated and that's also why I made it a point to bring it up often during the duration of the friendship. I'm not into games and telling her how I felt was just that. I just happened to have feelings grow because we grew so close and spent so much time together. That's really all there is to it. It happens. No big deal, I'm just one of those people that can't just "turn off" their feelings. I already know that about myself. I think it bothered her even more when I told her that a relationship wasn't something I was even looking for with her, but I can't help how I feel. Hell I'd been telling her for some time that "I just feel how I feel. I wish I didn't but I do." I'll get over the "too attached" feelings in time - which is the reason I wanted to step back to begin with. We were too close and it wasn't healthy. The "feelings", though, were not at all the point. The lying (which you got to the root of) is the issue.
Do I still have feelings of love for her? Sure. Probably always will to some degree. That's not pining for her, it's just how I feel. I still have feelings for a lot of women I no longer talk to or date. Just how I am. Doesn't keep me from dating someone else that might come along. One of my other female friends of 20 years that I seriously had feelings for back in high school/early college years knows that I still love her, too. We're friends just fine and yes we still see each other and do things alone together even though she's married. I just keep the important people in my life super close and let them know how I feel. It's not everyone, just the few people that I'm close to. Lol in short I'm not crying in my beer over here. Haha
And no, I have no intentions of contacting her. I just know that never seeing her again is very unlikely. This isn't a big city like Chicago or something that we live in. I'm as likely to run into her, her parents, or any one of her family members at her uncles across the street as I am running into her at Whole foods one day. it's just bound to happen at some point and no, I wouldn't be rude or ignore her. By the time that happens (hopefully not any time real soon) I probably won't even care about the lies at that point. Not for any altruistic reasons, just because I just won't care...
Anyway, my question was more, if this happened to you (generic you) would you give the offender another chance?
And with that I'm off to bed. Good conversation, thanks!
Forgiveness in this case means letting go of the anger so you can move forward in life without the emotional baggage. It means wishing her well and holding out hope that she learns from her terrible mistake. But this kind of profound mistake has a cost--your trust and friendship. You can't return to a friendship that's been fundamentally broken. Its something that just can't be repaired. But you can be pleasant and even cordial if you see her again--that's part of forgiveness too.
Don't regret telling her your feelings. Too many people are afraid of being vulnerable and looking like a fool. But honest feelings are never foolish. Having the kind of friendship/relationship with her that you did would naturally lead to having deep feelings. It would be weird to NOT have those feelings after all the time you spent together. That's how we're built as humans. She just didn't return the feelings. You would never have known if you hadn't taken the chance. You sound like a good person who has a great capacity for love. Don't let this experience change that about you. It's a rare and wonderful quality and there will be someone out there who will love that about you.
As for your experience, do you hold with the belief of "turning the other cheek"?
When you turn the other cheek, you're just asking to be slapped again.
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As for me, giving anyone another chance isn't about them, but about me. Trying to be a better person in a general sense.
Aren't you a good person already?
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A lot of people won't treat you well in this world. Do you just put up walls and keep everyone out?
If you're talking about me specifically, no, I wouldn't say I put up walls to keep people out. I tend to run into other peoples' walls.
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If I did something with the best of intentions but ended up hurting someone, I'd hope for another chance to at least try and show contrition and make amends. But that's just me.
Aren't there three people in this scenario now: You, her and her fiance? How do you think he's going to feel? Showing contrition to you could be interpreted the wrong way.
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