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First post here and hoping in the right spot for this. Just wanted to throw this out to the masses and see what kind of feedback I get. There's a big backstory that I won't start with, just the end bits, so if there's questions I'll answer to backfill what I'm not putting into this post. I guess you could file this under "friendzone" or "unrequited love" or whatever.
I'm going to put the tl;dr at the top like I wish most people would:
My best and very, close friend (female) lied to me for several months after I told her that my feelings for her were too strong continue to "just be friends" so that I wouldn't take a step back from the friendship with her - to adjust my feelings back to a more neutral state - which she absolutely didn't want. I'm still hurt by the lying but miss my friend. I'd like to have her back in my life, but know I couldn't trust her like I did prior to the lying and the friendship would never be like it was. What would you do?
End tl;dr
So, as in the subject I had a female friend that I've known for about 20 years now going back to high school. We lost touch for a bit then reconnected after college and when we both moved back to our hometown we re-kindled our friendship and became, really, the best of friends. My friend and I started out as just friends. I liked hanging out with her and enjoyed our time when we'd do whatever. Dinner, movies, just talking walks in the park, whatever. It was nice to have someone to spend time with in between dating and just to pal around with. Most of my guy friends were long since paired off and into the raising kids phase before I came back into town.
As with most guy/girl friendships over time we spent more and more time together over the years to the point where we did just about everything together from the things mentioned before to taking long road trips, family dinners, spending holidays together and just about doing everything short of actually dating. And for the longest time I was more than fine with this situation, until one day I felt my feelings toward her beginning to change. During one of our trips out of town (we'd gone to Boston for the day), I had a mini-chat with her on the drive back (I'm a believer in just spitting things out upfront and being honest, especially with feelings/emotions) and told her at the time that I felt my feelings beginning to change and that I was ok with things as they stood at that time, but if things kept on the way they did I'd eventually "want more". For her part she didn't say much of anything. Which was no big deal, I wasn't going for a heart-to-heart, I just wanted to let her know that us being close was having an effect on me and she could do, or not do, what she needed from there. That was about 3-4 years ago.
From that time on every time I felt a change in me that had to do with her I'd bring it up. Not in a confrontational way, but to be keep communication open. Sort of a "hey, just so you know I think I'm starting to feel even more for you" so that she would know where I stood and so she could "shoot me down" if she didn't feel that same or just flat out didn't want to go there. I certainly didn't want to risk the friendship over something I couldn't control. And no, she never said anything about just staying friends or never having anything more, whatever. She usually just..let things pass is about the only way to put it.
Well, she continued to say little to nothing and we carried on like we always had as very, very close friends. As the years passed my feelings went from, 'I'm kind of falling for you' to full blown 'I'm in love with you'. Which I'd also clearly communicated with her every step of the way. (This is getting long so going to snip some things for the sake or brevity.)
Things came to a head recently when she told me she wanted to date again (we'd pretty much spent all our spare time together to this point) and I was like: 'ok, cool, good luck, but I want you to know that while I support you wanting to find someone, I cannot be there through another boyfriend with you. I've grown way too attached to you over the years and it would hurt me too much to see you trying to build a life with someone else. So, I need to take a step back because I am "too attached" to you emotionally and need to get my feelings for you in check.' Again, just me being honest and communicating. That was back in the spring of this year.
She didn't take that conversation well and basically wanted to talk me out of taking a step back right then and just seeing how things played out - I did. I should have stuck to my guns and just backed out, but, she was my best friend and I wanted to give it a shot. At the time she had told me she wasn't really into the guy she had started to date and that there was nothing there beyond a couple of dates and it wasn't likely to go anywhere. Or so she said...
Turns out that over the next 5 months from that talk she hid the fact that not only was she still dating this guy but that it had changed from dating to being engaged. Yes, my friend got engaged to some guy that she "was barely dating" in about 6 months time, while spending 5 of those months making it seem like there was no guy and that things were exactly the with her. She kept it a secret because she didn't want me to do what I said and take a step back from the relationship. Well, when the guy proposed to her very recently she finally broke down and told me about the engagement and all way after it had been done. During these few months the amount of contact between us had bee a fraction of what it normally would have been which was my first indication that something was up - once you know someone as well as we knew each other, those things are easy to pick up on. I was shocked and hurt to say the least. The fact that she was still with the guy didn't matter, it was that my best friend had spent the last 5 months lying to me and hiding a huge part of her life when she didn't have too. Then to top off the cake of dishonesty, at one point during her confessional I asked who sh told about the engagement as I wanted to see if I was the last to know. She said "I only told a couple of friends" while not telling me she also made an announcement on Facebook the day before telling me about it. That's more than the 2 friends she told me that she 'only' told. So she lied about that also. Now, to be fair she did say she made a wrong decision and that she was sorry, but at the time I was too upset to really listen and accept the apology - not that that would fix the broken trust or anything.
When I confronted her about all this she said she didn't tell me to spare my feelings all the while neglecting that if she hadn't lied to begin with, I'd have been a lot less hurt. I'd have gotten over the hurt feelings of her wanting another guy, that's no big deal, I'd dated other girls all through the course of our friendship, so I certainly couldn't be hypocritical that she found someone, but I have a hard time reconciling with the lying. So, I was understandably hurt and pissed at being lied to and wrote her a long email (not mean, but thorough) detailing how she hurt me and why what she did broke my trust. I probably shouldn't have sent it but, at that point I didn't see any coming back from the breach of trust. Once she got my email she then, briefly, wrote back that she could tell I was angry and that she agreed we could no longer be friends and to not contact her any more.
This is all very recent, and no, we haven't spoken since. My only thought at the moment, is that we were friends for a very long time and were very, very close and it sucks to lose a good friend, even for a just reason. People make mistakes, we're all human, and I'd like to have her back in my life at some point, as a friend, but I know it would never be the same friendship and I don't think I could ever trust her again. It's hard to cover almost a decade of close friendship in a few paragraphs on a message board, but wanted to get some thoughts on if I should take a chance and try to reconnect. Not anytime soon, the wounds are still too fresh, but I'm trying to not hold grudges anymore or hold onto negative feelings. In the long run, what's the point?
Thoughts?
Read what I bolded of your post.
Well now you know how she felt when you dumped her.
You're some friend. Basically you nicely said either get romantic with me or I am gone. I don't care how nicely it was worded. She should've said "see ya" back then. All you needed to do is tell her once how you feel about her, not over and over badgering her. She didn't reciprocate all of those times. She cannot trust YOU to be her friend. You've caused the death of a solid friendship and no doubt, you'll do it again.
And here you are upset she lied to you in order to try to preserve the friendship? Yet you did the opposite tying to kill the friendship. Actually did. She had more invested in it than you did, obviously. It was YOU who ended it. Sad she wasted so much time thinking you were truly her friend. Please let her be. You'll just change your mind again and cut the friendship off anyhow. Nonetheless, if you learn from it
and become a better person, all is not lost. We've all done crappy things in our life to others, sadly. We're all imperfect so if you can get over it, I would try. Sorry you are feeling bad, hang in there. It will get better thru time.
Last edited by SierraCountyMtnBiker; 09-28-2017 at 11:56 PM..
My take: She kept you dangling so she would have someone to confide in, do things with etc... You were her backup in case her relationship with her 'Love' fell apart.
She used you as her backup plan. It hurts, I know, but her 6 month lie tells the tale. Then to keep the engagement secret from you....
Do not pursue this friendship. She really is not a true friend
He isn't her backup plan for the other guy she is romantically interested in
She has no romantic interest in this guy beyond a friendship
She's never indicated such no matter how many times he indicated it to her that his feelings changed
This just sucks all the way around. I'm really sorry (for all the good it does you).
Eh, really not as big a deal as some people (most definitely NOT you) keep trying to make it out to be. It simply is what it is. *shrug* Life goes on...
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollyblythe
I never knew anyone that had perfect awareness or insight into other human beings, even those close to them. If you find somebody with that ability, let me know.
Ha There's no shortage of those types on these boards. Age of Social Media, I guess. Everyone gets a voice and of course their voice (views) are the only right ones. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to tell me again how much better they know all aspects of my life than I do because they get to post on the internet. Lol
But, there's no convincing some people they don't know nearly as much as they *think* they do, so I'm content to let them keep on believing it. Seems to make them happy, in some weird way.
Molly, you're a peach! I'll address your previous post tomorrow for it is late and I'm going to sleep.
Read what I bolded of your post.
Well now you know how she felt when you dumped her.
You're some friend. Basically you nicely said either get romantic with me or I am gone. I don't care how nicely it was worded. She should've said "see ya" back then. All you needed to do is tell her once how you feel about her, not over and over badgering her. She didn't reciprocate all of those times. She cannot trust YOU to be her friend. You've caused the death of a solid friendship and no doubt, you'll do it again.
And here you are upset she lied to you in order to try to preserve the friendship? Yet you did the opposite tying to kill the friendship. Actually did. She had more invested in it than you did, obviously. It was YOU who ended it. Sad she wasted so much time thinking you were truly her friend. Please let her be. You'll just change your mind again and cut the friendship off anyhow. Nonetheless, if you learn from it
and become a better person, all is not lost. We've all done crappy things in our life to others, sadly. We're all imperfect so if you can get over it, I would try. Sorry you are feeling bad, hang in there. It will get better thru time.
You copied that ridiculously long opening post to just to say that? You could have just left the bolded and cut the rest you know. Anyway, thanks for adding...all of that. Lol You have a good night now!
Oh, I do commend you for adding the second bit. Makes you seem a bit more rational since I read the original pre-edit and it was kind of wacky. Well, it's still kind of wacky but you did try to be nice at the end, so props for that. Lol
OP, you are smart enough to know that her silence about you being in love with her was your answer that she didn't reciprocate your love. She just couldn't bring herself to say it and hurt you. You accepted her answer.
I don't feel that she lied to you when she got engaged, she just didn't tell you the truth, not wanting to hurt you. I understand. Some people, like me, have a very hard time saying something that you KNOW very well will hurt someone to the core. It took her a long time to work up the nerve to tell you she was engaged.
Fast forward to NOW: No matter what happened in the past, there is now a fiance and soon-to-be-husband in her life. Not too many men want another man around, especially if she tells him that you were best friends, but fell in love with her. He is just NOT going to want you even talking to her.
Even if she tells him that she didn't reciprocate the love, he'll still be jealous of you no matter how much he trusts her to be committed to him.
Her best friend is now (at least it should be) her fiance, not you. I would say that you would be beating a dead horse in trying to rekindle this friendship. All the dynamics have changed and will never be the same.
You have your great memories of a great friend, and a love lost, but this relationship is over and done. If you run into her (as you say you most likely will in passing) say hi and how are ya, and keep going forward.
OP--you seem to like the idea of a relationship with this person, but you don't like the actual relationship you have at all.
^ Exactly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann
Fast forward to NOW: No matter what happened in the past, there is now a fiance and soon-to-be-husband in her life. Not too many men want another man around, especially if she tells him that you were best friends, but fell in love with her. He is just NOT going to want you even talking to her.
OP, you are smart enough to know that her silence about you being in love with her was your answer that she didn't reciprocate your love. She just couldn't bring herself to say it and hurt you. You accepted her answer.
I don't feel that she lied to you when she got engaged, she just didn't tell you the truth, not wanting to hurt you. I understand. Some people, like me, have a very hard time saying something that you KNOW very well will hurt someone to the core. It took her a long time to work up the nerve to tell you she was engaged.
Fast forward to NOW: No matter what happened in the past, there is now a fiance and soon-to-be-husband in her life. Not too many men want another man around, especially if she tells him that you were best friends, but fell in love with her. He is just NOT going to want you even talking to her.
Even if she tells him that she didn't reciprocate the love, he'll still be jealous of you no matter how much he trusts her to be committed to him.
Her best friend is now (at least it should be) her fiance, not you. I would say that you would be beating a dead horse in trying to rekindle this friendship. All the dynamics have changed and will never be the same.
You have your great memories of a great friend, and a love lost, but this relationship is over and done. If you run into her (as you say you most likely will in passing) say hi and how are ya, and keep going forward.
Uh, not all people are jealous. Plenty of married people have opposite sex friendships. It is not unusual in this day and age. I have opposite sex friendships with married people, but I also tend to be friends or on good terms with the spouse. I don't see that happening here. Not all men are completely possessive jerks. Some women won't have anything to do with men like that because they are independent and don't like men who tell them with whom they can and cannot associate. This is the 21st century.
Uh, not all people are jealous. Plenty of married people have opposite sex friendships. It is not unusual in this day and age. I have opposite sex friendships with married people, but I also tend to be friends or on good terms with the spouse. I don't see that happening here. Not all men are completely possessive jerks. Some women won't have anything to do with men like that because they are independent and don't like men who tell them with whom they can and cannot associate. This is the 21st century.
I'm willing to bet that you have never been in love and rejected by any of these people though.
You copied that ridiculously long opening post to just to say that? You could have just left the bolded and cut the rest you know. Anyway, thanks for adding...all of that. Lol You have a good night now!
Oh, I do commend you for adding the second bit. Makes you seem a bit more rational since I read the original pre-edit and it was kind of wacky. Well, it's still kind of wacky but you did try to be nice at the end, so props for that. Lol
wow all of that complaining yet nothing addressing what I said. Nice dodge! There was nothing wacky about my response to you, before or after the edit. I have eye issues so put the jist of the story then re-worded it to ensure it doesn't sound rude right before hitting post. Sometimes right after I post if I need a different color background. My eyes are weak and give out after just a minute or so. It's an eye disability. But last longer depending upon background color.
I don't feel sorry for you. So I take back the ending to my post, I was clearly too generous in giving you the benefit of the doubt
You caused the death of a 20 year friendship purposefully because you wanted more.Since she wouldn't go further, you dumped her.
Now you are feeling the effects of the death of this 20 yr friendship. Good. But I doubt it will be enough to teach you a lesson. Friends matter. People matter. You don't just throw them away like garbage. Otherwise there would've been no reason you cannot be friends with her AND her new husband. Obviously she is going to put more energy being friends (and more) with her new husband but you could've gotten yourself another close friend.
Did you even think to congratulate her?? Did you even think about HER feelings at all? She is your friend, you want the best FOR HER also, so it would seem inevitable to be conflicted on both ends. But you say nothing of the sort. It's all about you. This relationship became all about you. And still is. This is NOT the definition of LOVE.
See as you know, it is hard to have a friendship that goes ONLY ONE WAY. You need to not only care about yourself, but the other person as well. While others have laid their life down for a friend, you did the exact opposite.
You actually believe you have something to forgive her over. That is the joke of the whole thing. Sure she is imperfect, so are you. SHow some grace huh. She kept her life private from you to avoid more badgering. You weren't letting up but she had alot of time and energy invested in this FRIENDship. It's called bonding. It's normal and expected. In every way except romantic. Hence the FRIEND part of FRIENDship
You've been badgering her about your feelings over and over, with no response from her. Not only do you refuse to take responsibility for you just cutting this poor girl off, you are trying to blame her for it. And if you greened me with the tidbit you were bonded with her in every way except sex, that shows how messed up you are. OF course you can and often are, bonded in every way with friends. Hence the word FRIEND. Minus the romantic part. You don't seem to understand that. Your mind always goes much futher which is sad. It will cost you again if you don't learn the difference. And take responsibility. If you cannot see the difference between a friendship and relationship you need to back up and get the first one right. Because the second one, is based on the first one.
.
Last edited by SierraCountyMtnBiker; 09-29-2017 at 08:40 AM..
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