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OP,
I have never thought being best friends with opposite sex is a good idea. Because of things like this.
She already showed you over and over again she wants no romantic relationship with you. But you kept reminding her over and over how you were in love with her. To the point you scared her away.
Seriously, she met someone else, someone she share romantic feelings with. I bet she would have loved to tell you all all about him, at all hours of the night and share all the details. After all, that's what best friends do.... But she couldn't because she probably figured you would be upset...because you are crazy in love with her as well. I bet she would have loved for you to be her "brides-man"....her best friend....at her wedding.
I don't blame her for doing what she is doing. I really don't.
Moderator cut: delete
Yup I agree with this post.
OP a couple mistakes:
Telling her over and over again about your feelings. I went through something similar. A little different as I am a gay guy, but I fell for one of my gay best friends. I opened up to him and made the first move. We dated for like a month, and then he pulled back and said he couldn't do a relationship with me or anyone. So basically what I told him was that I was moving on then but we could remain best friends, and if he ever changes his mind he can talk to me about it and depending on where I am in life that door may or may not be open. The point is I told him how I felt and he now knows, so if he wants something he needs to do something about it, not me. I did my part.
That was one of your big mistakes. I think you should have told her once and that was it. By repeating it not only are you scaring her away but also giving her control. We are all human, and I feel like when you find out someone likes you, it's only natural in certain ways you take advantage of them because in a way you have a certain control over them. You confirmed that over and over again to her. Which leads me to my next point.
She is selfish too.Both on the lies she told you and how she has treated you. If she didn't like you in that way after so many times telling you, she really needed to put that situation in control. If I really value a friend and they tell me over and over how much they like me, I would have sit down with them about that they need to accept things and things might have to change in the friendship (more space and distance) if emotions can't be controlled. Like mentioned before she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. If she wasn't so selfish, she would have taken the apropriate steps to better manage your feelings towards her and make sure something like this and your feelings don't get damaged on the way.
Telling her over and over again about your feelings. I went through something similar. A little different as I am a gay guy, but I fell for one of my gay best friends. I opened up to him and made the first move. We dated for like a month, and then he pulled back and said he couldn't do a relationship with me or anyone. So basically what I told him was that I was moving on then but we could remain best friends, and if he ever changes his mind he can talk to me about it and depending on where I am in life that door may or may not be open. The point is I told him how I felt and he now knows, so if he wants something he needs to do something about it, not me. I did my part.
That was one of your big mistakes. I think you should have told her once and that was it. By repeating it not only are you scaring her away but also giving her control. We are all human, and I feel like when you find out someone likes you, it's only natural in certain ways you take advantage of them because in a way you have a certain control over them. You confirmed that over and over again to her. Which leads me to my next point.
She is selfish too.Both on the lies she told you and how she has treated you. If she didn't like you in that way after so many times telling you, she really needed to put that situation in control. If I really value a friend and they tell me over and over how much they like me, I would have sit down with them about that they need to accept things and things might have to change in the friendship (more space and distance) if emotions can't be controlled. Like mentioned before she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. If she wasn't so selfish, she would have taken the apropriate steps to better manage your feelings towards her and make sure something like this and your feelings don't get damaged on the way.
Personally speaking, all good here, Southern, and yourself? Bummed about the state of the world, but can't do anything about that but keep on trying to make it through "This Thing Called Life".
Thanks for chiming in frimpter, and agree and disagree with your post. It's never a mistake to tell someone how you feel and I stand by saying that we were too close to each other to not say anything and to just let things continue as if nothing had changed. It was making me uncomfortable. *shrug* I have no problem telling someone how I feel about them. As I said before, what they do with that knowledge is up to them and I can't control how they'll react, so why try? If the last couple of days have shown me anything it's that life is so short and so precious and if I care about someone, I'm going to tell them while they're still here. Period.
Some people would think that my telling my married friend the other day that I love her might freak her out (yes I did and no it didn't - we've known each other a very long time). I am well aware that either one of us could be gone in an instant and her knowing just how much she means to me is very important and I also know that we're both adult enough to understand what saying that to each other means in terms of our relationship with each other and that it's not an issue. (She does say it back, before anyone wants to start one of *those* tangents.) I'm just a firm believer in open communication with the people close to me. Power struggles in relationships are nonsense. If I'm going to worry about that crap then I have the wrong people in my life to begin with.
You (generic you) should never wait until its too late to tell someone that they mean something to you.
Anyway, any thoughts on the lying part of things? (ETA: Lying as in if someone had lied to you like that...) I've gotten some great dialog with folks on that question and would love to keep that aspect of the thread going if people have thoughts along those lines.
Last edited by Foggy HalfNelson; 10-03-2017 at 03:58 PM..
Reason: grammar
Personally speaking, all good here, Southern, and yourself? Bummed about the state of the world, but can't do anything about that but keep on trying to make it through "This Thing Called Life".
Thanks for chiming in frimpter, and agree and disagree with your post. It's never a mistake to tell someone how you feel and I stand by saying that we were too close to each other to not say anything and to just let things continue as if nothing had changed. It was making me uncomfortable. *shrug* I have no problem telling someone how I feel about them. As I said before, what they do with that knowledge is up to them and I can't control how they'll react, so why try? If the last couple of days have shown me anything it's that life is so short and so precious and if I care about someone, I'm going to tell them while they're still here. Period.
Some people would think that my telling my married friend the other day that I love her might freak her out (yes I did and no it didn't - we've known each other a very long time). I am well aware that either one of us could be gone in an instant and her knowing just how much she means to me is very important and I also know that we're both adult enough to understand what saying that to each other means in terms of our relationship with each other and that it's not an issue. (She does say it back, before anyone wants to start one of *those* tangents.) I'm just a firm believer in open communication with the people close to me. Power struggles in relationships are nonsense. If I'm going to worry about that crap then I have the wrong people in my life to begin with.
You (generic you) should never wait until its too late to tell someone that they mean something to you.
Anyway, any thoughts on the lying part of things? I've gotten some great dialog with folks on that question and would love to keep that aspect of the thread going if people have thoughts along those lines.
I never said you should have never told her. I think you did the right thing telling her for sure. I am the same way, very upfront. The MISTAKE is you should have only done it once. After you told her the first time, you kept coming back and kept telling her and then even threw "love" into the mix. That's the probem. Reverse the roles. If a friend you had no feelings for told you "I really like you" and you were like naw let's just be friends, and then every few months they kept coming back saying "I really like you still" or "I think I am in love with you" after you made your feelings clear, you would probably lose a lot of respect for them and it would complicate things. That was the mistake you made. You told her over and over again.
You said your part, she knows how you feel, and you move on.
The lying part I think is partially a result of what I am talking about. You made it clear to her you struggle being friends and have deep emotions. So to avoid "hurting" you she lied to you. If you would have just told her once that you liked her, and she said no, and you moved on, I am pretty sure she would have told you about her fiance from the beginning if not very near the beginning.
With you beating a dead horse telling her those feelings over and over again, you made the situation a lot more complicated than it needed to be, fiance or no fiance.
That's fine that you think that, we can agree to disagree and leave it there. Ultimately, that had nothing to do with what ended the friendship since we were friends for years even with all that going on - she was my friend first and still would be today if she hadn't lied to me.
So again, and I sincerely would like your thoughts on this hypothetical;
Would you have the capacity to forgive someone that had lied to you like that in your life?
By my count I think only two people so far have said they would, or would at least try. The rest have said no, which I find absolutely fascinating.
That's fine that you think that, we can agree to disagree and leave it there. Ultimately, that had nothing to do with what ended the friendship since we were friends for years even with all that going on - she was my friend first and still would be today if she hadn't lied to me.
So again, and I sincerely would like your thoughts on this hypothetical;
Would you have the capacity to forgive someone that had lied to you like that in your life?
By my count I think only two people so far have said they would, or would at least try. The rest have said no, which I find absolutely fascinating.
Yes, but only if she is willing to prove that she is sorry and you really feel and see it. She has to make the effort if she messed up. Here's a story:
So actually I have been through this, although a little different. One of my best friends which we were friends since we were 7, when we were 23 he lied to me. I caught him on the lie, I confronted him, he defended himself with another lie, after I caught him with that lie, I blew up on him, he got scared and ignored me for two weeks completely (we used to talk pretty much daily). I was so hurt that I decided to cut off the friendship. A month later he reached out to me, but I told him I wasn't interested.
5 years passed and nothing. Within those 5 years, I really did miss him. I was hurt too but I don't let people disrespect me like that. I don't care who you are. He also never apologized or tried to fix things.
So about after 5 years of complete disconnection, I bumped into him and his new girlfriend in public. He was very happy to see me and introduced me to his girlfriend. I was nice, but purposely distant. He then asked me if I wanted to grab a drink to catch up. Normally I would have said no (when I move on I move on), but I figured what's the worst that could happen? So I said yes.
We hung out a week later, and when we did he told me how sorry he was for everything, how he missed me as a friend, and so on. How he made a huge mistake and he should have never done that to me, and so on.
So I decided to forgive him. Now? We are back to being best friends and I am so happy to have him back in my life. But it would have never happened if I didn't see him making the effort.
With your friend I would say people make stupid mistakes, as long as you see she is really sorry, she tries, and your guy feeling is telling you it's legit, you should consider it.
I'm not sure if I necessarily believe in the saying that "time heals all wounds" or however you (generic you) want to phrase it, but I definitely agree that having time away from any sort of painful situation like these can allow you to be at peace within yourself and give things a fresh start, or a clean slate, whatever.
Others have said something similar (you should read both animalcrazy's and molly's posts, they were excellent!) in that showing genuine remorse is a key aspect in being able to forgive transgressions. If someone is genuinely remorseful, I'm way more apt to "let things go" then if they try to pander to me with a half-assed apology while still trying to say they don't think they did anything wrong.
But a lot of that is just me and my personality. I'm very stubborn, but I can also let things go in the blink of an eye if I choose to. It really all depends on what was done and how the other person reacted to what they did. In terms of person to person interactions, anyway.
I'm not sure if I necessarily believe in the saying that "time heals all wounds" or however you (generic you) want to phrase it, but I definitely agree that having time away from any sort of painful situation like these can allow you to be at peace within yourself and give things a fresh start, or a clean slate, whatever.
Others have said something similar (you should read both animalcrazy's and molly's posts, they were excellent!) in that showing genuine remorse is a key aspect in being able to forgive transgressions. If someone is genuinely remorseful, I'm way more apt to "let things go" then if they try to pander to me with a half-assed apology while still trying to say they don't think they did anything wrong.
But a lot of that is just me and my personality. I'm very stubborn, but I can also let things go in the blink of an eye if I choose to. It really all depends on what was done and how the other person reacted to what they did. In terms of person to person interactions, anyway.
Excellent dialog, thanks again for chiming in!
Being that this is one of your best friend's you know them well enough (I would think) that you can see they genuinely are sorry and want to fix things. When I bumped into that friend in public, I could see it in his eyes, that it wasn't just a nice to see you, I could see that he wanted to do something about it. I wasn't sure when he asked to get drinks if it was going to be an apology, but no harm in doing it. But when he brought it up, and talked to me about it that was a big step in my eyes. He's the one that approached me in public, he's the one that invited me for drinks, he's the one that at drinks apologized for what he did and wanted to work on repairing our friendship.
Our friendship to this day isn't the same as it was before, but he is one of my best friends. It taught me we all make mistakes and we have to remember to be forgiving when the person is really sorry. You friend was dishonest, selfish, and was not a good friend to you in regards to what she did, but she didn't murder anyone. If you need time, then take some time, but also let her know. Let her know you are willing to forgive her, but you need some space, and in xx amount of time, you guys can meet again and discuss things and what not.
Thanks, but I'm fine. I'm not at all worried about when/if we have a friendship again. Whatever is going to happen will happen and I'll deal with whatever comes up as it comes up.
I just wanted to have a conversation about forgiveness since my married friend put the thought into my head one day after all that happened.
Honestly speaking if I'd known how many tangents the initial post was going to bring out of people I'd have written it differently, but, oh well, no going back now. lol Thankfully that aspect of things has calmed down to a very large degree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928
It taught me we all make mistakes and we have to remember to be forgiving when the person is really sorry.
And I'm very glad you wrote this part. I think this is missing to a HUGE degree from our society today. Too many people want to act like they never make mistakes in their lives or hurt anyone else (inadvertently or not). We're all humans and things happen. Often times bad things happen even why you try to keep them from happening. It's just life, but why not just let things go and go on with your life as best you can? (Rhetorical.) Again, with the caveat that the offending party actually acknowledges that they did something wrong to begin with, of course.
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I'm not at all worried about when/if we have a friendship again. Whatever is going to happen will happen and I'll deal with whatever comes up as it comes up. 
